Chronicles of Dustin Ashley Beam

I am so tired I can barely even talk (yes it does happen) but yesterday was a day I will always remember, one that words cannot capture. Suffice it to say, it has been a long time coming and I am surprised at how it happened almost without me even noticing. To you who helped make yesterday be what it was, I thank you for just being you. Connection is a beautiful and healing component of this journey we share. And I had some quality time with my friend, Quin and dear soul Karen Q.! Bubbles, the airplane game, making cookies, camping, and hearing that boy laugh and seeing my pal smile is just too darn good to be true, but it is true, it is my lovely life. After grappling with a lot of new in my life, today I jotted something simple at church that made me smile and I am taking this lesson with me: No amount of worry will make something work - It DOES or DOES NOT. That is all. Do not fear. Bathe in what is and let it begin and end there. (I like these words do I.) Tonight, it is of

I am a man who has lived with a lot of fear in my life: fear of not being liked because I was a "skinny", gay nerd, fear of not being as competent a musician as I wanted, fear of not ever finding a group that understood me, fear of moving to Dallas for love, fear that I did not live life the "right" way and that I was so different that my life would not amount to what I felt my potential could be, fear of the whole New York scenario, fear that I would never figure out what career path to take, fear that if I left the acting career road I would have to lead a passionless existence, fear that after a slew of disappointing attempts at a real romantic connection I would be emotional melba toast when the right one entered my life, fear of consistency and normalcy, fear of exiting (even if temporarily) the beautiful landscape that is my daydreams and the eccentric painting of what my life could be to enter the world of the real, the palpable, and making my life more of a

Yesterday was a catawampus biorhythm day, one in which several small seemingly insignificant matters turned into a massive transformer ala Devastator. Alone these items would not have phased me, but together they shook my balance. I write this for myself to say: Today is going to be a better day, I just know it... and sometimes just making that decision before you head out the door can make ALL the difference. A new day has come (ala Celine: I lourve Rene, I do. - Pounds chest in her perpetual plie), Dustin

A decade ago, I started a ritual. Whenever I felt sad about being single, when I was living in the naked lonelies, I would purchase a love card: something heartfelt, poignant, silly, sexy. These cards would be given to Him, my love and he would be told the story that he was thought of long before I knew who he was, in fact gifts were purchased for him. Then I stopped working for Hallmark and that tradition ceased. Recently, I saw a few cards that I simply had to buy for Him and started thinking back to those days, those cards, and deciding I need to reinstate that ritual. However, I thought the cards had long been lost in my travels to and fro, in the craziness of tours, New York, and various apartments and houses. Last night I was gloriously proven wrong. I found my cards from a decade ago and they made me cry, laugh, and feel the "soul glow." It was as if my younger, even more romantic self was saying, "Keep doing this, you will find Him." It felt like a ti

It is rare that I come to the screen to write and know that any words, metaphors, jokes, imagery I choose will not be sufficient to depict my feelings. This is one of those times. Recently, I made a decision that was life-altering. I want stability and being a working actor is not a career that affords such a thing. So, I started looking at other viable career options landing on the Hallmark Creative Division (not literally - ha), desiring stability coupled with passion and creativity. I know little to nothing about this career plan but I know that it excited me and seemed to be something that was a good "fit". To have a palpable career plan and goal, to know that I would be working in this city (Kansas City), that I can do A and B to get to C is something I have never known nor have I ever thought would be a part of my life. This week I have been doing research about the company, the Creative Division, those who work for the writing team, and planning a visit to Hallmark

I love that it now snows in Arkansas. Yes, this state is ill-equipped for the snowy, icy greatness. And I often get tickled at how packed our grocery stores become when the weatherman even hints there MIGHT be a CHANCE of snow. That 20% percent is reason to buy three gallons of milk and more food you could eat in seven days of the treacherous white weather. I for one like to think that Arkansas is just having a good Winter season and wants to shower us in something a little different, like he is saying, "I may have been around since 1836, but I still have new tricks, We elected a man into office that is all about 'change' and, you know what, I can be too." (Until now I did not know that Arkansas was an Obama supporter. I like to think he was actually a Hillary state - for obvious reasons - but voted for Obama and has since come on board for the President.) So, it is snowing again and I must say that I, unlike some of my Arkansan pals who are complaining about the

Indeed My grin is so happy even it is smiling. Smiling, smiles, smilerson, Smiles-A-Lot Super Smiler. Indeed. Indeed... Smiles indeed.

While purchasing junk food at a local gas station, the pang returned. I miss my Dad. It is almost always surprising when this need to talk, to hug, to see my Dad manifests itself in my life so dramatically. Tonight is one of those times. I then watched a film called "Management" and the Dad character reminded me of Dad (I think it had to do with his colouring or something) and I started crying. Everywhere I look tonight there is you Dad. So sad am I right now but glad that the world is affording me glimpses into the man that was my Dad and still is very real in my heart. Grief, damn little thing, it never really leaves you. Dad, I love you.

After taking some time off of writing my musings, I find it a bit awkward to come to the screen and write again. Funny how a short amount of time can change things, huh? But, here I am. I am all over the charts of life these days. It is a good thing most days. After Dad's death, I could not cry the way I once did. Now, I can again. It is a tad overwhelming since I became accustomed to my less emotional self. But when I was viewing "Avatar" I could not help but cry at the beauty that is the world that James Cameron paints. It is good to feel again and not be scared as to where those feelings may lead me. We had THREE snow days in Little Rock. What? I thought I was living in Arkansas. I enjoyed the time off, but it became a bit too much on the third day. I can be such a lazy bastard face trouser man. I did not shower for a day or more and my pajamas were like an exoskeleton. Gross, but true. The other day I had a film moment. I called in to Pier 1 and told the

Snow is spiritual. I just went and stood out in the middle of my street and let the cascading snow bathe me in its special timing, its simplicity, its complexity, and its whispering truth, "I am here right now, but only for a limited time. I am here for you now, only now, that is all I offer you." I spent this weekend with my Fictive Kinship Guild and other friends (Ian and Megan) seeing "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof", playing pool, singing a couple songs at a delightful bar, singing in church, watching the Super Bowl and actually loving it, and cooking a meal for my friends. Yes, I cooked and I have to say it was not too shabby. I felt lead to take some down time away from sharing, but the snow song ushered me to write once more. I do not know how to do some things, life things, but I am learning and searching and growing. I do not know exactly what I will be doing after school and that is frightening. I sometimes feel I have lead a life so out of the ordinary it can b