Musings of the Croralean Phoenix

Loving the Squiggly

2011-06-29T13:31:00.000-07:00

I was typing the other day and instead of hitting the ! key I hit the ~ key.

Two odd altercations happened between two friends and me via facebook so I have deactivated my account for a bit. It was hurtful and unexpected.

So when I hit the ~ key it made me smile and forget all that nonsense.
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Dustin

Much Needed Silence

2011-06-21T00:54:00.000-07:00

The past few days I have liked the darkness, the silence of my room. I have not come out much and have watched "Sleepless in Seattle" over and over and over and over.

I started wondering why I want to be alone (I am not depressed at all) and started doing the roommate math.

I have lived with 41 different people in my life.
I have lived in 21 different living environments not including all the different times I moved around with my family as a kid.

I have hit a wall where I just want ME time and a lot of it, no talking, no sharing, just alone time.

In this much needed silence I find that I am a much simpler person than I once was, that I really love the quiet, and that it is time to live alone soon.

I have done the roomie thing more than anyone I know and met some wonderful people, but I am overloaded with that experience.

So, back to "Sleepless in Seattle" and my much needed silence.

Dustin

My Soul Well

2011-06-09T23:31:00.000-07:00

Today I taught my first voice/musical theatre lesson in the studio where I now work. I love teaching my kiddos but it was glorious to teach one on one with a young lady who is so talented, so open, and so fun.

I lived YEARS away from purpose just hoping that I would find something - anything - that would fill my soul well.

It is full, it is wonderful, and I am just soaking that up in my very skin.

Soul smiles to you,
Dustin

Holding the Key

2011-06-09T03:47:00.000-07:00

Only I am solid ground.
Those whom I love - the new, the familiar - can be my circle, my connections...
but the connection to self is the key I have been missing.
Peace fills me as I hold the key and begin to unlock the doors of my life. Only I am solid ground and I embrace the beauty of me.

Dustin

I Am Back

2011-05-25T10:59:00.000-07:00

I missed this blog so I am coming back.
I now have two blogs.
I am too cool for school.

Dustin Ashley Beam Baylan

And With This, Farewell

2010-10-29T23:41:00.000-07:00

This blog has been a dear friend to me.
I am not good at farewells, but truly this is anything but.
I look at it like this - I love the phoenix, the symbolism of it all, the power of rebirth.

Hence why I named my blog/musing screen after one. :-)

So, I am leaving this particular blog to start another one, one that fits me NOW, the one that I can share in a new way.

So this feels right.

Thanks to those who have read my musings throughout the years. I hope you follow me to my new musing home entitled

THE TWELVE THAT IS DUSTIN BAYLAN.

Yes, I am changing the name, the story of that is on the new blog for you to read.

Here is the link:

http://dustinbaylan.wordpress.com/

Much love, much hope and joy again, much potential...

Winks and smiles of the Cat that is Cheshire,
Dustin Baylan

I Miss Thee

2010-09-25T15:16:00.000-07:00

I miss thee, my blog, my tapestry of musings...
I shall return soon to thee, with a richer smile.
Until then, you are not forgotten.

Winks and smiles of the cat that is Cheshire,
Dash

I Will Still Sing for You (Farewell... For Now)

2010-09-02T19:20:00.000-07:00

I stumbled into blog writing.
It was fun and made me feel special - sharing my thoughts and dreams and hardships was cathartic.

I feel like I have learned much in the past years and have written as honestly as I knew how to articulate.

The past few months have been the hardest of my life and I have shared a bit of that with you, I have spoken with a counselor, I have started taking medication, I have made some progress.

But, still there are times getting out of bed seems literally impossible.
Times when the panic drowns me.

So, I am simplifying my life and withdrawing from school, focusing on work and paying bills (something that I have not done in some time), and looking at my physical and mental health.

It is time to discover why I am preventing myself from greatness and what factors are in me that I can change.

I have no idea how to do this.

But admitting that I am lost, feeling broken no matter what I do, that when I am happy I am merely waiting for the time that the happiness fades, and saying, "There has to be another way."

So I am doing things that I can do well and say, "Job well done".

And I am a seeker of my truth, something I thought I knew, but has escaped my sight.

And my belief has atrophied.

Rest assured I am better than I was a couple months ago.

But I know I can do a lot and can be someone I respect.

So, I am leaving the blog until I can return to write musings that are not the same patterns, the same note.

I need to journal for myself and cuddle with the words alone, I need to learn me all over again, I need to let go of the pain of a relationship that I so wanted to work and ended with being spit upon, I just need to...

I will end with two song quotes, one that I heard today for the first time (from Sandi) and one I have loved for years. I find both are applicable and the lyrics are my heart, and what I have to do and believe. I miss talking to God, I miss a lot of things.

Where Do I Go From Here
(From "Pocahontas 2: Journey to a New World)

The Earth is cold, the fields are bare,
The branches fold against the wind that's everywhere.
The birds move on so they survive,
When snow's so deep the bears all sleep to keep themselves alive.
They do what they must for now, and trust in their plan.
If I trust in mine somehow I might find who I am.

But where do I go from here?
So many voices ringing in my ear,
Which is the voice that I was meant to hear?
How will I know where do I go from here?

My world has changed, and so have I.
I've learned to choose and even learned to say goodbye,
The path ahead's so hard to see.
It winds and bends, but where it ends depends on only me.
In my heart I don't feel part of so much I've known.
Now it seems it's time to start a new life on my own,

But where do I go from here?
So many voices ringing in my ear.
Which is the voice I was meant to hear?
How will I know, where do I go
From here?

The Edge of the Divine (Sandi Patty)
I'm looking over the edge
I see you waiting for me
Eyes open, face to the wind
Your arms are reaching for me
These chains have held me here
Bound up in lies
But you say it's time I should fly

From the edge of the divine
I can leap into your arms
And your love will catch me
Unafraid to fall into everything you are
Leave the past behind me
I am flying
From the edge of the divine

I've spent too much precious time
Rehearsing memories and loss
That your blood has covered but I,
I must leave it at the cross
Doubt whispers in my ear
Is it safe beyond these tears?
If I should fly into the wonder of Your mercy
Into the fullness of Your Love
I am a child who's been forgiven
And You are enough
Unafraid to fall into everything you are
Leave the past behind me
I am flying
From the edge of the divine

I thank you for reading and caring.
I give you my love and through the wordless times ahead, I will still sing for you.

Farewell... for now,
Dustin

These Nights

2010-08-31T22:39:00.001-07:00

Turning a negative to a positive...
Tonight is one of those nights I had a couple of months ago.
Panic, hopelessness, dread.

But, thank God it is not something that is the norm now, something that is in my design.

But oh how I loathe these nights, they seem to taunt me so.

Love to (And Leaving) Leaf

2010-08-29T02:42:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while a role picks you.
In all of my time in theatre, portraying Leaf Coneybear has been one of the highlights.
I miss him already and have ONE more show left.
He has been therapy and the show has been a charming playground for me.
I will now coin the term "What Would Leaf Do?" and honestly think the world would be a better place if we all had that same motto.

So here is to you Leaf Coneybear, my favorite role to play, my dear friend, who brought back the laughter in my life, whose originality speaks to my own and who makes me feel like William Finn just gets it.

I love you Leaf!

The Edge of the Divine

2010-08-28T03:33:00.000-07:00

I awoke after an odd and terrifying dream.
I used that dream to write some of the novel.
So scary can be turned into something good if I am creative.
(I am putting that in my back pocket.)

I have not written the blog for a while because I have been sifting through passages of my life and did not want to report the rollercoaster days and nights, I wanted to just let them unfold as they may.

The best thing about experiencing a devastating depression and crippling panic is that it has allowed me to really be honest and see myself.

And there is a lot to see. A LOT.

Of course, Sandi Patty has released a project that mirrors my journey now. How does she do that?

The concept I really like is that sometimes when we think we are on the edge of disaster, if we change the lens of perspective, perhaps it is the edge of the divine.

Take it or leave it, the idea has been a blanket for me in these times of greeting myself and walking out of this lifelong cloud of uncertainty.

Much love,
Dustin

In the Breath of Me

2010-08-13T12:55:00.001-07:00

Today, in the breath of me
There is lightness
And stillness
And whimsical offerings
Of today

Now, in the breath of me
There is newness
And abundance
And possibility
Of now

Then, in the breath of me
I start the new dance
Letting go
Trusting the steps will appear
When they will
The steps of the today, the now, the then

Dear Leaf Coneybear

2010-07-21T22:59:00.001-07:00

Dear Leaf Coneybear,

Thanks for letting me play you in my upcoming production of "Spelling Bee". It is my hope that I capture your innocence and love of life, your beautiful simplicity and that is speaks to a portion of my heart that is difficult to find these days, that your joy awakens my own in the magic circle of theatre and the rehearsal process.

I am so glad to meet you and look forward to becoming the best of friends,
Dustin

Powerpuff Therapy

2010-07-11T21:33:00.001-07:00

I spent the weekend working at a toy store, watching great films with friends, watching more "Powerpuff Girls" episodes than a person should in one sitting, and playing with Oz, the wonder pup.

I want to live in a bed right now.

This week I am working 40 hours and Monday- Sunday.

Whew.

Talk about a change in schedule.

Hopefully it will prove advantageous.

I must say - "The Powerpuff Girls" are therapeutic.

I am not happy today, not really sad, not panicky, just here.

I will take that.

Love,
Dustin

The Toy Express

2010-07-10T13:55:00.000-07:00

There once was a man who was lost
Instead of Spring within there was frost
For the Toy Express he was bound
And it was there inside that he found
The glint of new life and of peace
The hope that drowning darkness would cease
All on this simple Toy Express
And in the distance he saw the Land of Success

The Ups, the Downs

2010-07-10T00:10:00.000-07:00

My friend Patti asked me if I was doing okay. She was confused by my blog. One entry was upbeat and the next sad. I understand her confusion. What I am trying to do is report how I am in the moment... and right now that is a glorious mess. I had four really wonderful days where I was energetic and I danced about and was soaking in the joy. The past few days it has been me stuck in a bed again and sad, adrift. It is not nearly as bad as it was a month ago, but still so far from where I want to be.

I work at the toy store in a few hours. That is my focus now. I am going to move out for a few months and weigh my options and attempt to finally make a home somewhere.

Whew.

Tonight I write from Regi and Jer's place. Oz is barking in his crate. I listen to Gavin Creel and just hope for a nice sleep.

And to awake in a better place than I have found myself these past few days.

But if not, I will take one step and then another.

Oh depression, my how powerful.

Dustin

32

2010-07-05T21:04:00.000-07:00

Today was one of the best birthdays I have ever experienced.
I love my friends and family.
I love my presents.
I love laser tag.
I love board games.

I love being a kid at heart.

Today was an UP day.

So far, 32 is looking damn good.

Dustin

Indeed a Wild Man

2010-07-02T23:57:00.000-07:00

Today I have been happy all day.
Very little panic.
A real glimpse of me.
I am a bit tipsy and at a party.
What am I doing?
Watching youtube clips of Sandi Patty.
I am a different gay indeed.
I get "liquored up" and watch performances of a Christian singer.
I am indeed a wild man.

Thank you to God, the world, for a FULL day where my heart was fully present, aware, beating with purpose.

Such ups and downs have I endured for so long, it is nice to not feel as though I was on a rickety rollercoaster.

Wow.

To Feel and Know

2010-07-02T03:20:00.000-07:00

I do not know how long it will last, but right now (yes it is way too late/early to be awake) I am HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel wonderful.

I am just playing with the bubbles of joy in the bathtub of my great night.

To commemorate this, I am posting a picture with this blog. It is time to do that again.

No matter what, I had this night and know that it CAN happen.

I needed to feel and know that.

Catharsis

2010-06-30T01:23:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to get rid of the emotions I had for the man I dated for almost four months, but tonight I realized:

I don't have to let go of my feelings, I can cradle them inside for as long as I need.

And the biggest epiphany was this:

I loved him - it happened, it just was. I did not allow myself to admit that until tonight. I would have done anything for him... I just do not think that he was ready for what I had to offer.

So, although I am not there yet, I know one day I will be grateful for this pain, grateful for the heartache that made me feel as though my soul was ripped apart, because it allowed me to know the depths I can love someone, to finally experience that place I had always imagined to be within me.

I don't know what the future holds. I thought he could be "my one" and that is something I have waited for and dreamed about for so long that I did not want to see it go.

To watch that dream die, that idea of what we could have been...

but I never have to truly sever that connection. That is what has been killing me: thinking that I must break that bond. If we ever talk, it would be when he is ready and more aware, but I am connected to him for always because once I love it is never forgotten.

And while I still might get angry at some of the ways I was treated, at how actions that could have been so easily avoided made me have to leave, I will never forget that love that I felt and will always be proud of the man that I was and am... one that loves with all his heart and soul and dared to go after someone that he thought was his dream embodied.

Good for me, I am a brave man.

The turmoil I face is a representation of my love, and when I look at it that way it makes it a bit easier.

I have been asking for a month now, did I make the right decision and have heard many perspectives... but I needed to know it for myself. But this decision was/is about ME.

It was the HARDEST decision I have ever made to date, but I know it was right... at least for now. Who is to say what could happen? I certainly am not making predictions or waiting around, but I know that I have had the answer to that question in my heart and it merely needed to take its own time to reveal itself unto me.

So, I need to trust my instincts. This is my life and I determine how I live it. I really have made some poor decisions, avoided things I should not, but I have also lived a life of adventure and of passion.

But loving someone is never a poor decision.

It just is what it is.
I must learn to trust that the answers will come when I am ready to understand and live them. Tonight, I made a big stride in doing that.

But to you, the man whom I knew for such a short time, know that I loved you.

And to myself, good for you for being nakedly honest.

Dustin

Why?

2010-06-30T01:12:00.000-07:00

This blog - it is a funny little thing.
Recently, I have been asking myself why I keep writing, what is the point?
And do I feel it odd to share my thoughts and innermost feelings with, well, anyone that ventures onto this musing screen?

Why write these musings at all, especially as of late when I have been so deep in the emotional trench of my life?

The answer is simple - This blog, my musings help me articulate the moments of my days, the fears of my nights. And I for one think that the world would be a better place if we could all access our emotions and share them more readily.

And in helping me, I do hope (and know because of some of the comments/emails I have received) that my words help someone else's road in a small way.

Rarely do I plan a blog topic, but one occurred to me tonight on my ride home from seeing "Eclipse" (by far the best film of that franchise) and I need to think on it a bit before I write it - maybe later today or tomorrow. Let's just say these thoughts help set me free, something I thought impossible as of late.

So thanks for reading and get ready for a big one. (Ha, sounds dirty and I am keeping it!)

Dustin

Perpetual Oddity

2010-06-29T16:16:00.000-07:00

I am living in the new reality that it will be a long time before I feel like me again.
That sucks.
I never know the me I will be on any given moment.
I was in the playroom with Quin and had to fight tears.
I do not even really know why I was sad.
It is like I am caught in some perpetual pregnancy or PMS or menopause - odd since I don't have those parts.
Hee.
But here I am, trying to get some things in order and trying to be a high-functioning man.
Wow, the scope of what I want to do each day has changed to what I MUST do.
I am in an odd, odd place of my journey indeed.
I shall keep reporting what is afoot.

Dustin

Quiet Night

2010-06-28T01:33:00.001-07:00

My schedule has flip-flopped.
I have watched almost three Pixar films tonight alone.
Sleep is elusive during the night right now.

I love the night,
I find solace and alone time.

I hate the night,
I feel alone and too quiet...

Such a duality running around in my corner of the world right now.

Just a short thought or two for you on this night turning into early morning,
Dustin

Pixar Time

2010-06-27T22:30:00.000-07:00

Depression is such a powerful force of nature.
It really is.

I live hundreds of lives per day in my psyche.

It is both exhausting and fascinating.

I have felt very far away from myself the past few days, just really, really sad.

But there are positive things to report. I have a new job at a toy store. I am making some decisions about my life.

And right now I am watching "Ratatouille" and having a little Pixar marathon. I think they are geniuses.

I am just living my life today, letting it take me wherever it may go.

I hope that you have your own personal Pixar time or something of the like,
Dustin

Open a Surprise Door

2010-06-24T19:24:00.000-07:00

"I think if you focus on how you perceive things

and their potential

your potential

you open surprise doors

things may indeed seem hopeless at times

but it is more likely that you haven't seen the right angle of it

and noticed what might await you if you face it in a different mindset"

My insightful friend Chris wrote this to me when I was frankly discussing my life. I like the idea of surprise doors and looking at the right angle of something. Everything can change based on perspective.

For some time now I have lost perspective.

Often, I can see the changes I need to make but then become so overwhelmed that I freeze and do not accomplish the goal. Patterns and deeply entrenched lessons are hard to change, hard to find the truth that you need to live.

I dwell in my head and analyze to the point of destroying the good of a situation and circling around the scenario so much it is but an emotional blur.

Honestly, at times it is exhausting to be me.

I would not begin to say I know how to rectify this, but at least I am acknowledging it and starting to try, one thing at a time. I tend to try and get to the last part of the road before I have decided the path, so that is something to learn as well.

If nothing else, the world is trying to teach me to be honest with myself and really look at ALL OF ME (not just what I want those to see) and to be patient.

I have never been good at either of those - I guess it is time to try and try and try again until I am.

And, hopefully somewhere in the process I will open a surprise door.

Thanks again Chris!

Dustin

Let's Begin

2010-06-23T23:56:00.000-07:00

Today I had more ups and downs than (insert some device, creature, adventure that has multiple ups and downs).

But, I got angry...

about how I have acted,
how I have been treated,
about the many hows of my life...

and that anger fueled something in me.

I felt a hint of me again.

I do not know when, but there will be a day where I will be me again and proud of my actions and who I am.

I do not know when, but I will be okay, I will get through this and I will be more mature, grounded, and aware and I say,

"Let's begin".

Change, Faith

2010-06-23T06:16:00.001-07:00

People are always saying that change is good, but sometimes I think it is like a brand that burns the skin, something from which you cannot escape and are forced to feel the searing of the flesh, hoping that it heals and that the scar is not horrid.

And God love them, people are always saying "Keep the faith". If faith could be kept, I would have held onto him and never let go. But faith is not something that can be held with the hands, but something that visits you and is like a member of the family or a close friend. Right now mine is on a road trip and there is no telling when he is coming back. Rest assured, I will treat him nicely when he returns and let him have the bed this time (Last time I had a crick in the neck so he was placed on the couch) and I will even give him the fancy sheets.

Right now I am healing from the burns of change, trying to see what to do with the scars, hoping that at least one of them turns out to be a lightning bolt and will at long last bring me a Hogwarts letter.

Change can be exhilarating but when you overdose it feels like a permanent adrenaline rush, only exacerbating the wounds.

Faith, I hope you are on the last part of your trek.

Dustin

Restless Morning

2010-06-23T06:04:00.000-07:00

Waking up to a panic attack is not something I would wish upon anyone, no matter how heinous.

It has been days since I wrestled with panic, I was hoping the attacks were gone.

Alas, not this morning.

The good news?

It was not as long and I was able to calm down quicker.

Today, I am bound and determined to start mapping a new path towards joy, even if it is one windy path traversing all over this new map of my life.

And a wise friend of mine (Regi) told me to let myself be sick and take some of the pressure away. So today I am just going to be me in the place where I am, not the place I want to be and see if that makes any difference.

Dustin

Three Weeks

2010-06-22T23:21:00.001-07:00

Three weeks ago I had one of the worst nights in my life, a drive home that seemed like it lasted for nights upon nights, the black night echoing the darkness of my spirit.

Still, three weeks later, I am writhing, struggling, saddened, feeling so far away from myself knowing I severed a connection - something I never do.

Perspective in the past few weeks has lived in another space, apart from me.

I pray for the day that it returns and that I believe what my friends and family have been saying, that I will indeed recover from this and start again.

Of course, I already am, but these three weeks have been excruciating.

Perhaps one day I can look back on them and see the lessons, right now I just want a good night's sleep.

Much love,
Dustin

My Solid Ground is You

2010-06-22T13:55:00.000-07:00

I sent out a text today saying I felt like a loser and that I loved those who received this. The amount of love I received in return to that text was astounding. In this time, this mire of my life where I feel so very lost, there is one thing on which I can stand firm, knowing that there is solid ground.

That is the love of my friends/family - they are supportive, honest, eloquent, witty, and true. Right now when I think so little of myself and am trying to get life together one step at a time, they make me realize I had to have done something right along the way to amass such people of character and integrity.

So I write this for them today, thanking them for being my solid ground in a time where I feel like I am in emotional quicksand.

Much love now and always,
Dustin

An Okay Day

2010-06-18T23:53:00.001-07:00

I don't want to jinx it, but today there was little to no panic.
Panic has invaded my dreams, my life, my hopes for MONTHS now and I was starting to believe that I would live a life that contained that poison for the rest of my days.

How the mind and heart work are fascinating.

But somehow today I felt okay.

And okay I will graciously take.

I do not pretend that I am ready to jump back into my old life, but perhaps this horrendous chain of events has occurred to prepare me for a new life, one that is different than I could have ever anticipated.

I do not know, but I am so thankful to breathe today, a deep and full breath that shows signs that my heart will mend, that I am not a broken fragment to be written off into oblivion.

And while this might sound dramatic, if you have ever gone through an atrocious breakup and felt as though your whole life was caving in around you, then you know what I mean.

When showering is an epic event, when you feel there is NO HOPE, that you have come to the end, well, then you understand what it feels like to finally have an okay day.

So I will remember this day, this night, and hope that I can find this ME oncemore.

Dustin

Long Way to Go

2010-06-11T13:05:00.000-07:00

Sitting on another couch, shackled again.
Trying to get up and do something, anything.
Here in this city I love and cannot leave the confines of the apartment.
"Friends" plays in the background as it always does.
I love that show and hate it at the same time, it is the never-ending soundtrack of my life, caught on loop taunting me.
When just getting off the couch is a battle, you know you have a long way to go.
So, I am admitting it - I have a LONG WAY to go.

Dustin

Small Steps

2010-06-10T13:45:00.000-07:00

I am more depressed than I have ever been.
I have sought counseling and am taking anti-depressants.
Perhaps it is odd to share this with the world, but I just wanted to shatter the stigma and be honest.
I went on an impromptu road trip to Chicago and am glad that I made the trek.
There have been a few moments in which I recognize myself again, in which I feel as though I am waking from the coma I have been in for far too long.
Nothing, no one, no place should ever make you feel limited, small, insignificant - ever.
I am holding onto this and trying to sort through the pieces of me, trying to get past the panic, and just take small steps and revel in the fact I took them.
I want to be proud of myself again and the only way to do this is to try again.

Love,
Dustin

The Pieces of Me

2010-05-21T13:44:00.000-07:00

If I am being completely and nakedly honest, I have not consistently felt happy and like me for years... the last time I really felt okay (I think) was when I was in NYC.

I have written, I have tried, I have worked, I have let people down, I have cried, I have condemned, I have searched and searched and searched.

Something broke me last week. It filled with me the aching hopelessness that is a vacuum to the spirit, is toxic, and devastating.

I will not go into those stories for they are far too numerous to recount and I have only begun to really process and see what needs to happen next to get me healthy and happy.

For years now I have felt guilty for feeling lost, depressed, adrift, fearful... I mean there are wonderful things I have happening in my life, great friends, talents abundant, just so much good. Yet often I feel detached from that. Certainly not all the time, but sometimes to often is a fair estimation.

I can see patterns from this blog (so helpful it has been) of being sad and then coming back with a fervor of changing myself yet still ending up in the same place.

Like a vicious and unending circle.

So I am not going to write that I am okay and that I am joyous and have a concrete plan of action.

What I will write is that for the first time I am really looking at myself and seeking help. I need an objective second party to help me mend the brokenness of me.

And in the past few days I have made strides in directions that I know to be right. Once again, I have made a career change, but this time I am sure that it is something that is me, something that is true.

That helps.

And just seeing the broken pieces of me, like a shattered stained glass window and saying, "Well I thought I was going to be this picture with the pieces like this, but now I see that is not going to happen" lifts the burden a bit.

And that is okay.

But I am picking up the pieces for the first time and starting to look at who I can be, looking for help, being honest, setting realistic goals, looking at my past and how it colours me, but not letting it suffocate me.

Will I still over-analyze, obsess, take steps back? Yes, of course. And that is okay too. But I have really decided I want to walk a new path, I want to rebuild the window of me.

So since I have decided that, those pieces have started to look less like broken pieces and more like pieces of me, the pieces of a future and of opportunity, and of real hope.

I felt lead to share this.

Always,
Dustin

Today (Honesty's Hand)

2010-05-20T22:44:00.001-07:00

Patterns emerging
Known within but never uttered
Now I choose to share
I have felt finished
broken
wasted
so far away from the me I thought I wanted

Troubling indeed
But in the past three
I have changed the steps I take
Not jumping into the same cycle

Not quite okay
But resolute
Perspective was lost
And although it is not quite found
I am holding honesty's hand
for the first time
in a long, long time

Looking at me
Not blaming
Smiling and saying,
It's time to try something new
Consistency is attainable
You are merely strangers
And need someone to acquaint you
Looking now...

So today, I will hold honesty's hand
And try to do the same tomorrow
But today, I held honesty's hand
And that makes me okay
Today

300: Clarity Returns

2010-05-11T21:45:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe that I am writing what is to be my 300th blog.

Tonight as I was cleaning blinds in my old bathroom, it happened.

Clarity.

For the past few weeks I feel like I have been walking in someone else's skin, breathing heavy air, just... so far away from the me I like to be.

As I get older, I have come to believe that there is little worse than the sense of hopelessness.

In many regards my heart has felt hopeless about where to go for work, what to do with my life, etc.

I am still researching several options, but I must admit that I feel weary.

Every time I write something like that a litany of the how my life is greats pours over me.

My Mother made a strong point the other day. I was calling her to discuss how I feel and what I need to do to feel more in touch with me and all that philosophical magic.

She said that most of my life I have been tossed about in some way... from illnesses to being made fun of to moving around all the time to money problems to trying a career and deciding it was not worth it... and that I must be yearning for stability.

Something about what she said struck such a nerve and I have been thinking about the past week over and over and over again.

Almost more than anything, what I want is stability - a place where I TRULY feel home and am on the path of doing something that helps the world and makes me feel like the me I love and respect.

I am in a better spot tonight - I had to write some of this out. In fact, I have not written in a bit because I was sorting through all of this.

I don't really feel like me sometimes.

But, tonight brought me some ideas and I am going to play around with those.

In the mean time, my tales of the Red Door have concluded and I have moved into the Place of the Blue Door. Am I excited about this?

Not really. But it is what it is.

The most important thing is that while cleaning my blinds, hope whispered in my ear and said, "I am back. Let's dance."

And that is a dance I am happy to see return.

Perhaps you have to walk outside of who you are to truly discover who you want to be. At least that is my fervent hope.

Here's to 300.

Who woulda thunk it?

Dustin

PSfP: The pictures are of the Fictive and of Jer and me and Duvall, Jer, and me. Honestly, I find myself quite alluring in these pictures. It does not happen often, so I thought that I would share them with you. Enjoy!

Over and Over and Over (Deflated)

2010-04-29T17:07:00.001-07:00

Have you ever lived one of those days where small issues keep arising? Singularly they would but barely phase you, but the onslaught of them leaves you fatigued.

There were multiple situations like that over and over and over today.

And on a survey, I was basically labeled a racist for waiting on a Caucasian woman before I waited on an African American woman, that I did this on purpose.

What?

Never, ever would I do that.

I despise days like these where you are constantly encountering the trivial of the world, not even real problems - they really have no lasting power and no merit... they take up space - Today my spirit is deflated and irritated.

I just want to have a meal with Jer and watch some delightful film or sitcom and escape the reality of this stupid Thursday.

And venting session musing concluded,
Dustin

The Musings of my Spirit

2010-04-28T19:45:00.001-07:00

I sit here writing this in the playroom at Jay and Karen's. Quin is off to bed and the nightly ritual of toggling off brushing teeth and stories has commenced.

I worked today and met Jay and Quin for dinner and came over here to bond.

I miss this place, it did feel like home to me.

My life is so great, but I must admit that sometimes I feel homeless. I love where I live (although I am moving this weekend - something that does not come easily for me honestly), but I do not really feel a sense of belonging like when I lived with my Mom or with Jay and Karen. I do hope that changes.

I am so lucky to have the love in my life that I do, but I sometimes long for the home I have in my heart to come to fruition.

I admit that maybe that is a naive creation, I do not think so, but I will admit it could be.

Sometimes what I thought life would be is dramatically different than what it actually is.

But, tonight, I sing a song from the depths of me ushering in a home, a place where I KNOW I belong, a sense of knowing I am in my right place.

Perhaps when I least expect it, I shall find it.

Who knows, but I thought that I would share with you the musings of my spirit.

Always,
Dustin

I Like Me

2010-04-23T22:27:00.000-07:00

Today after a slew of not-feeling-like-me days, I feel like me.

And I must confess:

I like me.

Winks,
Dustin

But Tonight

2010-04-22T19:01:00.000-07:00

Interesting item of life that I have discovered is that when I am living a full life and SO MUCH is happening, I do not write as often. The past few days especially could have been full of lessons, thoughts, fears, wow - I truly ran the gamut, but I was far too busy and exhausted to write any musings.

But tonight I rehearsed with my Mama and sang our duet for my forthcoming concert. It is such a JOY to sing with her.

I have been stressed about this event for it had to come together quickly and I have been trying to learn music and get all the necessary details sorted out.
WHEW.

But tonight I just sang and shared and am anticipating this Sunday night greatly.

Finally, five of my little babies get to see the light of day (really it will be the dark of night, but that just sounds scary). These original songs are my heart and I cannot believe that I am getting to perform them at last.

This is one of those nights in which I am living in these moments so grateful to have music as my life's blood and so humbled that I have the talented and wonderful artists and friends that I have in my path.

Thanks to all who have helped me bring this night, these songs, these stories to fruition.

Much love to you now and always,
Dustin

Good

2010-04-08T19:08:00.000-07:00

Life is good.
Tiring, but good.
The good kinda tiring.

I feel like my writing "voice" is changing a bit. It is hard to define, but when I venture onto my musing highway, the car does not move like it once did. Not good or bad, just the change that arises with new experience.

It is nice to be dancing in the good, learning and enjoying and growing.

I have much to report soon and deep thoughts to share and meander, but for now, I am...

GOOD.

Dustin

Janet Darling

2010-04-06T21:39:00.000-07:00

I stumbled upon this picture of my Mother on facebook. Yes, my Mother has become a part of that world.

This is a photo of her on her wedding day. She looks radiant and exquisite.

I sang at the wedding and remember being overcome when I saw her - she looked perfect.

It just goes to show you that you never know when the love of your heart will grace your life. Mama is so in love and so happy and I am thrilled to be her son and to have a man named Terry as my StepPapa!

Look at her, my Mama Darling.

She is so beautiful, my favourite person in the world.

Love to her and to you always,
Dustin

Home

2010-04-05T19:27:00.000-07:00

Right now, this very moment I am surrounded by the best that my life has to offer.
I am so happy, so blessed.
I am HOME.
Home is most assuredly a person, not a place.
I love my life,
Dustin

A Quarter Waltzes By

2010-03-31T14:40:00.000-07:00

Time, so funny...
How is that some years whisk by while others meander at the pace of a lethargic turtle?

I bid adieu to March, I barely even knew you.

I simply cannot believe that a quarter of 2010 is finished.

Where did it go?

Oh to be a child again when an hour seemed like an eternity of imaginative everything!

Much love to you on this, the last day of March,
Dustin

The Five Therapies (Catharsis)

2010-03-29T14:54:00.001-07:00

A quick li'l musing:
What a difference a day can make in terms of emotional status.
Yesterday, I sang at 2nd Pres. It was not a great voice day for me so I had to make some last minute decisions about my voice and what to do. Through technique and sheer force of will, it turned out beautifully.

I used all my frustration and angst and let that colour the song. I am so grateful I have enough training, talent, and ability to make something like that happen.

Singing is therapy.

Then I attended a show called "The Little Dog Laughed" and it was one of the best productions I have viewed at the Weekend Theater. Wonderful direction, sublime acting, superb set and tech, and a thoroughly well-conceived show.

Theatre is therapy.

I then rested a bit and watched "Arrested Development".

Good tv is therapy.

And I wrote a letter to the Benster and shared some thoughts with him. Sometimes I have to write things out in order to make sure I say it the way I desire and make sure all points are covered. Cathartic, really.

Writing is therapy.
Sharing is therapy.

And today is such a lovely day.
Much better me and much better times, gotta love that.
Those times that make you want to scream and hide away give rise to the beauty of the days that make you want to bask in the sunshine.

Time to go and bask,
Dustin

PSfP: It was difficult to find an adequate picture for this musing. I have included this one for it is unique and is named "Catharsis". I do hope you enjoy it. :-) I love saying that word. CATHARSIS, now that is a great word indeed.

Scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-03-27T23:22:00.000-07:00

Right now I want to escape from myself and just scream, a scream that has never been heard before quite like this - brimming with frustration, fear, annoyance, confusion, and rage.

So, since I cannot really do that at this hour, I came to you, my friendly musing therapy realm.

SSSCCCRRREEEEAAAAAMMMMM!!!!!!

UUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

DDDDDAAAAMMMMNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hmm, that did help a bit.

That's all,
Dustin

The Circle of Creation

2010-03-25T23:37:00.000-07:00

I spent last night writing another song with Jonathan Trotter called "And He Said to Himself", a song about being who you are even when the world is telling you otherwise.

I am just so happy about it, about writing again, about finishing a project that is one of the deepest passions I have known, and proud of myself for never letting go or losing the faith that these songs, these very personal tales of my spirit, would indeed see the light of day.

It really is a lifelong dream of mine to do this and share much of who I am and my journeys thus far in this collection of music. I am grateful to Jonathan for facilitating this dream and bringing my ideas to life and intertwining those ideas with his gifts, his storytelling and music abilities. He really does astound me.

And I am indebted to the other collaborators who helped me through this adventure thus far. Hell, I am not even recording yet and am like a contented child brimming over with passion for this opportunity.

People often ask me where I want "this to go" and I do not really know how to answer them. Let me simply say that just completing it will make me sleep better at night and will fulfill something I know I am "supposed" to do. Will I send it to people and get a website and post it on youtube, etc.?

Of course.

But that is external, that is something that I cannot control and my thirst to be validated as an artist is not guiding this vessel any longer. What does guide it is a grateful man who has been given gifts and endured hardships and lived joys that he wants to share with anyone who cares to listen.

Let THAT be part of my legacy: that you are NEVER alone, there is always someone traversing the path you now trod, or has been there before and can lend a hand, or someone that soon will venture there too.

We are all connected and I am so mindful of that and so joyous to be translating that to music.

Much, much, much love,
Dustin

I have included three pictures of Jonathan and me that make me laugh. They are from a few years ago but I think they capture us. Oh, that Trotter!

Such. Beautiful. Music. Today...

2010-03-23T22:55:00.000-07:00

Hmmm how to filter and still tell a story?

Well here goes:

I started the morning with delicious activities (YAY), then was at Hallmark for 8 hours. I was quite fatigued, but would have it no other way. What a lovely start of the day and it is wonderful to work in a place that I like and that brings out the good of me...

During my workday I received a phone call from Brie that she was stopping by the house and cleaning my sheets and doing all of my laundry at her place in her real washer and dryer.

WHAT?!?!?

The washer and dryer combo at my place is the size of a toaster so it makes getting caught up on laundry a labour of due diligence.

So I drove to Brie's after work and arrived to be served a mouth-watering meal. Yes, she served it to me!

I remarked that I had somehow stepped into an alternate reality where I had a wife, after a day of work she made me a meal and did SEVERAL loads of my laundry folding all of it neatly in laundry baskets.

Who does this?

Brie does this I proclaim!

Then, I passed out on her comfy bed whilst watching "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince". What a night.

So, on a day that always begins in a dark haze (Dad, on this fourth birthday with you not here to celebrate, I am reminded over and over again how much I love you and miss you and hate this whole dying thing) I found such joys from a dear friend and a man that keeps redefining potential and adorable.

I find myself feeling so lucky and connected to the notion that I KNOW Dad is smiling seeing me feel this happy.

To Brie, I love you and cannot believe you did this for me today.

And to Dad, for you I sing my song of bliss and I hear you joining in the refrain.

Such.
Beautiful.
Music.
Today.

Crash Day

2010-03-22T15:01:00.000-07:00

Due to the past couple weeks, I have been hyped up and not getting much sleep. But last night I fell asleep on the couch in my clothes while watching "Arrested Development".

First, that show is hysterical and I love when you find something new that you adore.

Second, I spent the day with Jonathan and he wrote a new tune.

Third, I sang our original tune, "You Got Lonely" for auditions. It went well although having to be in the same space with all these people who are auditioning makes me quite nervous.

Fourth, I feel like I really needed the sleep.

I slept 15 hours... Somebody was a tired man.

Tonight is our dear pal Lillian's last Fictive as she is heading back to Utah after her run in "Glorious" at the Rep.

I will miss her.

I just received my bill for PART of my stay in the ER - more than 2000 dollars!

In a word, GREAT.

Other than that, I am rested and looking forward to tonight and hugging, eating, drinking, and bonding.

I hope you are well and that, every once in a while, you get to partake in your own Crash Day.

Always,
Dustin

Flying Once More

2010-03-21T11:07:00.000-07:00

Writing has not come naturally for me the past several weeks. I have to make myself write musings and that is something foreign to me. But, today the muse caressed my cheek and said,

"Let's start again my friend. I am back."

During the second service I wrote a new lyric to a song about my Dad called "For You". Although I love the "Have You Checked Your Oil Today?" concept and still might use it, I just knew it was not right, not what I wanted to say anymore. Funny how that happens in the course of writing songs for a project.

I also wrote an idea for my Mom song, "I Love You More Than...", and am excited that the particular idea is flying once more.

Writing is my form of flying, a talent I have always wished I possessed and now do in my own Dustin/peculiar way.

I just love creating, it makes me feel more alive than I know how to articulate.

So, this week is all about finishing the CD and tweaking the concert and re-entering the world that is "Jaaryden and Noki" (note the spelling change of Jaaryden).

In my right place and loving it,
Dustin

Simple. Bliss. Attained...

2010-03-20T23:12:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you just fall into a night of perfection: good friends, lively talks, new connections, a surprise text from a man you adore, delicious drinks, and blissful happenings.

Tonight is one of those nights that I am glad to be alive, glad to be the me I am, and grateful to be able to converse and bond.

Simple.
Bliss.
Attained...

Dustin

The Unknown and Potential Paths

2010-03-18T18:57:00.001-07:00

There is so much going on in my life that is new and exciting and scary that I just cannot seem to get my feet on the ground; I cannot find my emotional anchor.

It is a good thing, but still it makes me feel a tad askew.

This is where I am in this moment, this day, living in the unknown and potential paths.

Dustin

Take My Hand

2010-03-16T18:22:00.000-07:00

Today I started feeling like myself again, not just a shell person with enormous pain in regions of my body I did not know existed. (Aside: I apparently failed anatomy. Wait, I never took anatomy. Ha.)

I am happy and experiencing feelings I have not in a long time and some I have never known.

It feels good.

I am glad to be me and to be alive, to be finding my health again after a wayward week.

I just want to smile and dance a little.

Will you take my hand and let me lead?

Dustin

PSfP: I love the picture I have posted. I think that there should be more places where men can dance like this - not just a gay bar, but a place where we can wear crowns and waltz. Come on people, let's create such a place.

Until Now

2010-03-13T11:52:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have the inkling that you are on the verge of something significant, something that will alter the course of things?

I cannot quite put my finger on it, but I am in that place right now.

A series of chapters of me are resolving, giving rise to the new chapters, the new skin of my different days, my dreams revolving to shed light on the opportunities I could not notice...

Until Now.

Not Quite Myself

2010-03-11T15:43:00.000-08:00

As I write this, I am sitting on the couch in my living room, still in my regular clothes, and am anything but sleepy. I do not quite feel like myself right now.

Pain redefined itself for me this week. I awoke on Tuesday and felt horrific agony in my lower right back. Withing a few minutes I knew that something was wrong. Long story short - I went to the UAMS ER and was diagnosed with kidney stones. I have since been informed from a close friend (who happens to be a doctor) that pain experienced from kidney stones is inexplicable.

I was scared for the pain did not seem to stop. Also, it goes to show that one never knows where one's day is going to traverse. As advanced as we have become, we are fragile creatures living our lives and in an instant the balance of that life can change direction.

I am grateful to my friends who were there and a special thank you to Brie for diagnosing me and for handling my garbled and odd phone call with grace, to Duvall for being there and taking me to the ER and showing what a trooper and great man he is, to my Mama for just being herself, and to Jer for being there in the room when they wheeled me off to my first CAT scan.

There is something about a hospital that levels you. I felt so... small.

My body still feels odd and I am fatigued, but grateful that the pain has subsided. During the five or so hours I was hurting, I thought some of the oddest things, I was like an animal: I wanted the pain to subside, I did not want to be seen or touched, I did not want to talk, I wanted to feel okay. I think it is the closest I have come to living in my animal nature. It was spooky. Now I can look back at it and think it was liberating although I would prefer to procure freedom another way henceforth. Hee.

I am stressed about the financial ramifications of the ER visit as I do not have insurance. I feel as though every time I start to get ahead financially, I am bombarded with some ailment. And I am 31 and would like to not be broke all the time. So that, coupled with my physical distress has made for days filled with angst, pain, and frustration.

Starting tomorrow I am jumping into life once more. I have so much catch up to do in school.

Aside: I recently realized I have been doing something I do not enjoy for almost five years now. I know that I need to attend school and that I will be better off for it, but going to UALR after attending AMDA is in some ways like going to high school and then attending kindergarten. The comparison is not perfect for I have learned a lot at UALR, but it is drudgery. I adore learning, but this university and I are not the best fit. But I find myself in a peculiar realm - I am ready to be finished but that means I will have to be in the real world and I "should" know which career path beckons, yet I feel ill equipped.

Yes, I have ideas and am exploring them, but I did not find a mentor at UALR to really help me in the career paths I am investigating and that makes me a bit angry and apprehensive.

I just want to make a difference and give to the world, I want to like what I do and, quite frankly, I haven't a clue if my new career potentials are dead end ideas or ones that will pan out.

That is not the best feeling in the world.

So, I wanted to share the truth of where I am right now: ill at ease, fatigued, and frustrated. A far cry from my traditional "life is amazing" musings, but something that I wanted to share nonetheless.

Still, life is affording me some distinct new rhythms and beauties: I am writing and finishing the CD, I am reveling in my friendships, I am closer to being finished with school and that feels great, I am grateful it was merely a kidney stone and nothing more severe.

So, I know from my past that these frustrations are growing pains, lessons to learn, and the greater the risk the more significant the potential.

There are many potentials in my path now, I just have to choose and go for it.

To my friends: thanks for loving me.
To financial woes: I will beat you, I will be successful.
To those damn kidney stones: You scared me at first, but I will be victorious. Bring it bitches, bring it!

Much love to you this early morning. I cannot believe how quickly 2010 is passing us by, I really cannot. Time is such a funny creature - How is that some years, some days, some passages of time race past our noses faster than others when the actual time is the same... always fascinates me. I need to take some Dustin time and really breathe in this year, get to know it better, and make it feel at home in my spirit.

I hope you are happy,
Dustin

Bathing in the Beauty

2010-03-07T10:44:00.000-08:00

Recently I have noticed that I like to equate life activities with water. I bathe in the why, I drink in the delights, I swim in the joy, etc.

Well this last week brought about a lot of bathing, drinking, and swimming in the new of my life somehow connecting to the old.

It was quite a week for me.

I have much to do right now but wanted to take a moment and write at least a partial update of where I am in the now.

I love this time of year when I feel anything is possible and Spring is just around the bend (river).

Dustin

You Got Lonely (Green Wall)

2010-03-04T02:25:00.001-08:00

If you would have told me a couple of years ago that I would be back at Hallmark and writing songs with Jonathan Trotter I would have looked at you perplexed.

But I could not be happier about both.

My first day of Hallmark was glorious and I love the store and the product (of course).

Then tonight Jonathan came over and we wrote a song entitled "You Got Lonely".

Why?

Because that's what we do.

And I must say that I adore the lyric and singing it is freedom itself.

I am so surprised and thrilled Jonathan Trotter is back in my life.

He really is a talent and his artistic sensibilities speak to my own and make me a better songwriter, singer, and artist.

I have been planning my CD for a while and, out of the blue, a new, unplanned song was born on this night in March.

I simply cannot sleep. Creation is the best feeling!

I cannot wait to start the recording process of this CD. Now there are eight tunes almost completely written. Yay and yay and smiles and kicks and songs and shaking that songwriting ass of mine!

Dustin

Connection: Too Darn Good to be True, But It Is

2010-02-28T17:49:00.000-08:00

I am so tired I can barely even talk (yes it does happen) but yesterday was a day I will always remember, one that words cannot capture.

Suffice it to say, it has been a long time coming and I am surprised at how it happened almost without me even noticing.

To you who helped make yesterday be what it was, I thank you for just being you. Connection is a beautiful and healing component of this journey we share.

And I had some quality time with my friend, Quin and dear soul Karen Q.! Bubbles, the airplane game, making cookies, camping, and hearing that boy laugh and seeing my pal smile is just too darn good to be true, but it is true, it is my lovely life.

After grappling with a lot of new in my life, today I jotted something simple at church that made me smile and I am taking this lesson with me:

No amount of worry will make something work - It DOES or DOES NOT. That is all. Do not fear. Bathe in what is and let it begin and end there. (I like these words do I.)

Tonight, it is off to eat and collapse and prepare for the new job at Hallmark (just a store but I have to start somewhere).

Life is abundant and new and overwhelming. I need to do some things that are traditions tonight (Friends, Sandi, etc) to anchor me and make me feel like this was not all some dream...

Love,
Dustin

This Man I Certainly Am

2010-02-23T12:36:00.000-08:00

I am a man who has lived with a lot of fear in my life: fear of not being liked because I was a "skinny", gay nerd, fear of not being as competent a musician as I wanted, fear of not ever finding a group that understood me, fear of moving to Dallas for love, fear that I did not live life the "right" way and that I was so different that my life would not amount to what I felt my potential could be, fear of the whole New York scenario, fear that I would never figure out what career path to take, fear that if I left the acting career road I would have to lead a passionless existence, fear that after a slew of disappointing attempts at a real romantic connection I would be emotional melba toast when the right one entered my life, fear of consistency and normalcy, fear of exiting (even if temporarily) the beautiful landscape that is my daydreams and the eccentric painting of what my life could be to enter the world of the real, the palpable, and making my life more of a reality instead of a thought or far off goal.

I just walked around my house role-playing different scenarios (not in a "Dungeons and Dragons" way, just a talk out loud way) and crying, letting the fear fall from my tears.

I have these moments where life overwhelms me, where the fear rises up in me so passionately and with a vigor that is heavy, ominous, and of another plane of existence... a force with which to be reckoned.

I do not know when and where I became such a fearful man, seeing where the paths could go awry, all the potential pitfalls, but this man I certainly am.

I have been told before that I am fearless and I guess that just goes to show you that even for someone as external and open as I am, no one can know the FULL depths of you, unless you share that with them. Even then, there are private places, darker places where we do not want the light shown.

I think that somewhere along my way, I decided I wanted to shine the light on these places and discuss them, for in doing that it makes me feel less afraid and alone.

And I have learned that the fearful moments call you to a new place, a new creation, and breaking the paradigms is a messy process, akin to birth. There is pain but it gives way to the new.

So, today I am mulling over a lot of fears, a lot of the new in my life, and dealing with it openly and honestly, letting my tears heal and dance in the dance of this man I certainly am.

Love. Live a life where fear does not lead your way, but where you lead the fear where you want it. We are all powerful beyond measure,
Dustin

All the Difference

2010-02-19T08:22:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a catawampus biorhythm day, one in which several small seemingly insignificant matters turned into a massive transformer ala Devastator. Alone these items would not have phased me, but together they shook my balance.

I write this for myself to say: Today is going to be a better day, I just know it... and sometimes just making that decision before you head out the door can make ALL the difference.

A new day has come (ala Celine: I lourve Rene, I do. - Pounds chest in her perpetual plie),
Dustin

Time Travel Hug

2010-02-18T07:58:00.000-08:00

A decade ago, I started a ritual. Whenever I felt sad about being single, when I was living in the naked lonelies, I would purchase a love card: something heartfelt, poignant, silly, sexy.

These cards would be given to Him, my love and he would be told the story that he was thought of long before I knew who he was, in fact gifts were purchased for him.

Then I stopped working for Hallmark and that tradition ceased.

Recently, I saw a few cards that I simply had to buy for Him and started thinking back to those days, those cards, and deciding I need to reinstate that ritual. However, I thought the cards had long been lost in my travels to and fro, in the craziness of tours, New York, and various apartments and houses.

Last night I was gloriously proven wrong.

I found my cards from a decade ago and they made me cry, laugh, and feel the "soul glow." It was as if my younger, even more romantic self was saying, "Keep doing this, you will find Him."

It felt like a time travel hug.

I love these seemingly insignificant times, these moments where all you do is find something you thought long gone and it blankets you in the warmth of youth and beauty dancing in the circle that is life.

Love,
D

The Hallmark of Possibility

2010-02-17T23:02:00.001-08:00

It is rare that I come to the screen to write and know that any words, metaphors, jokes, imagery I choose will not be sufficient to depict my feelings.

This is one of those times.

Recently, I made a decision that was life-altering. I want stability and being a working actor is not a career that affords such a thing. So, I started looking at other viable career options landing on the Hallmark Creative Division (not literally - ha), desiring stability coupled with passion and creativity.

I know little to nothing about this career plan but I know that it excited me and seemed to be something that was a good "fit".

To have a palpable career plan and goal, to know that I would be working in this city (Kansas City), that I can do A and B to get to C is something I have never known nor have I ever thought would be a part of my life.

This week I have been doing research about the company, the Creative Division, those who work for the writing team, and planning a visit to Hallmark and Kansas City on my Spring Break in March.

In my research I found some quotes that stirred me to tears. There I was, in the UALR Computer Lab tearing up, finding people that were like me, that were not actors, not living the life I thought I might lead, but living a life that takes me down the new path. It filled me with such promise and made me less afraid of starting anew.

I wanted to share these quotes with you, in the hopes that you might enjoy them, you might find some humour/comfort in them, and that it might illuminate why I am researching this viable career and why I love the company they call Hallmark:

(The first is a card from Suzanne Berry, Writer for Multiple occasions)

"Outside, the body may falter. But inside, a spirit brilliant with strength and resilience shines on... and on... and on. No matter what life hands you, your strong spirit will see you through. Keep believing in it... I do."

(Lovely, simple, true I believe.)

When asked "What inspires you?", Andre du Broc, Editor for Humor cards writes, "I draw a lot of strength from observing how people cope. At the end of the day, life is a struggle. How we deal with that struggle shapes us as parents, sons and daughters, husbands and wives, etc... People ask me where I got my sense of humor. I tell them that I grew up gay in an all-boys Catholic high school in Southern Louisiana and I didn't know Karate. I dealt with my struggle with humor."

(I love this idea, relate to it on a number of levels, and adore the fact that he mentions he is gay as though it is akin to eye colour or handedness, that this company shares this information prominently, thus letting me know they do not think such things make us different at all. Yay for Hallmark indeed.)

He had two more quotes I liked. When asked, "What makes you cry?", he answered, "The naked truth can make me cry. When someone talks about the loss of a loved one and speaks less about the loss and more about the love, there is tremendous truth in that simplicity and I totally lose it."

(Amen. Amen. Yes. Been. There. Will. Always. Be.)

And lastly, when asked "Why do you do what you do", his last two sentences made me cry and spoke to me: "A human life is often defined by moments. Births, deaths, celebrations, and challenges - I like to think that the work Hallmark does in some small way helps to honor those moments and make them special. I am glad to be part of that mission."

(That is what I want to do, I understand.)

I hope that you are as moved by this as I am, or at least that you see why it is that I am considering this.

Ironically enough, tonight a director at school asked me about my ideas about a career, I shared my Hallmark ideas and that I also am looking at children's theatre opportunities and she shared some of her story and grad programs dealing with this, amazing theatres to investigate, etc.

So, I am going to explore that as well. It never hurts to put myriad plans into motion and see which one takes flight, this I have learned.

And - I just got hired to work at a delightful Hallmark store. Of all the retail places I have worked, Hallmark has BY FAR been my favourite. I just have to make sure that I don't spend the paycheck on cards and Hoops and Yoyo products... if you do not know these beloved characters, look them up. They make me giggle, they do.

I can just see it now, I can't pay my rent, but I have cards for the next three years.

Ah, life is good. And I never thought that I would have a palpable career path but brimming with creativity and the Muse. I so look forward to my jaunt to Kansas City and The Hallmark Visitor's Center.

Thanks for reading and letting me continue to share my journey journals, I so love doing that with you.

Overwhelmed by possibility,
Dustin

PSfp (It has been a bit since I wrote that so for you newcomers or short-term memory loss peeps, it means Postscript for Poppets): My pictures are of the gay marriage card line that Hallmark introduced (Go Hallmark) and of the aforementioned Hoops and Yoyo. Enjoy.

Arkansas. Pride. Yo.

2010-02-15T11:39:00.000-08:00

I love that it now snows in Arkansas.
Yes, this state is ill-equipped for the snowy, icy greatness. And I often get tickled at how packed our grocery stores become when the weatherman even hints there MIGHT be a CHANCE of snow. That 20% percent is reason to buy three gallons of milk and more food you could eat in seven days of the treacherous white weather.

I for one like to think that Arkansas is just having a good Winter season and wants to shower us in something a little different, like he is saying, "I may have been around since 1836, but I still have new tricks, We elected a man into office that is all about 'change' and, you know what, I can be too."

(Until now I did not know that Arkansas was an Obama supporter. I like to think he was actually a Hillary state - for obvious reasons - but voted for Obama and has since come on board for the President.)

So, it is snowing again and I must say that I, unlike some of my Arkansan pals who are complaining about the white magic, LOVE it and hope it continues. There is something right about snow, something that invites you to be a kid and play and forget and bask in the white wonder. (Aren't you impressed with how many ways I concocted to say snow with "white" as the adjective? Well, I am.)

So here's to Arkansas, my homeboy, my state of birth, my home trying new things and supporting the "change". I am on board and I will always love you baby.

Arkansas.
Pride.
Yo.

Smiles Indeed

2010-02-13T12:54:00.001-08:00

Indeed
My grin is so happy even it is smiling.
Smiling,
smiles,
smilerson,
Smiles-A-Lot
Super Smiler.

Indeed.
Indeed...

Smiles indeed.

Everywhere I Look Tonight

2010-02-12T23:06:00.000-08:00

While purchasing junk food at a local gas station, the pang returned.

I miss my Dad.

It is almost always surprising when this need to talk, to hug, to see my Dad manifests itself in my life so dramatically.

Tonight is one of those times.

I then watched a film called "Management" and the Dad character reminded me of Dad (I think it had to do with his colouring or something) and I started crying.

Everywhere I look tonight there is you Dad.

So sad am I right now but glad that the world is affording me glimpses into the man that was my Dad and still is very real in my heart.

Grief, damn little thing, it never really leaves you.

Dad, I love you.

Such Huh

2010-02-12T17:11:00.000-08:00

After taking some time off of writing my musings, I find it a bit awkward to come to the screen and write again. Funny how a short amount of time can change things, huh?

But, here I am.

I am all over the charts of life these days. It is a good thing most days. After Dad's death, I could not cry the way I once did. Now, I can again. It is a tad overwhelming since I became accustomed to my less emotional self.

But when I was viewing "Avatar" I could not help but cry at the beauty that is the world that James Cameron paints. It is good to feel again and not be scared as to where those feelings may lead me.

We had THREE snow days in Little Rock. What? I thought I was living in Arkansas. I enjoyed the time off, but it became a bit too much on the third day. I can be such a lazy bastard face trouser man. I did not shower for a day or more and my pajamas were like an exoskeleton. Gross, but true.

The other day I had a film moment. I called in to Pier 1 and told them I could not longer work there. I am not proud of the decision, nor am I not proud of it, but I knew it was my right thing to do. There is always some sort of drama going on there and it was time to bid my final adieu.

I am talking to a lovely Hallmark store this next week. I look forward to that experience and it branching into my future with the Hallmark company. I am hitting a lot of dead ends in terms of researching what the whole shebang is about at Hallmark (e.g. writing, editing, corporate world, what they want in submissions) so I am actively searching again.

On my Spring Break I am taking a trek to the big KC to check it out. It is odd to shift my career focus: such fear, such joy, such huh?

I think that is an accurate portrayal of where I am now:

I am marching in the realm of Such Huh, not knowing exactly where I am heading, trying to learn, and holding out a little faith that one day I shall know where it is I am landing.

Much love,
Dustin

All I Offer You

2010-02-07T23:24:00.000-08:00

Snow is spiritual.
I just went and stood out in the middle of my street and let the cascading snow bathe me in its special timing, its simplicity, its complexity, and its whispering truth, "I am here right now, but only for a limited time. I am here for you now, only now, that is all I offer you."

I spent this weekend with my Fictive Kinship Guild and other friends (Ian and Megan) seeing "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof", playing pool, singing a couple songs at a delightful bar, singing in church, watching the Super Bowl and actually loving it, and cooking a meal for my friends. Yes, I cooked and I have to say it was not too shabby.

I felt lead to take some down time away from sharing, but the snow song ushered me to write once more.

I do not know how to do some things, life things, but I am learning and searching and growing.

I do not know exactly what I will be doing after school and that is frightening.

I sometimes feel I have lead a life so out of the ordinary it can be intoxicating and embarrassing.

I became so tired of being alone that I have made a concerted effort to date and it has left me exhausted. I think that my trying so passionately has suffocated the organic nature of the potential.

I tend to make blanket statements sometimes, I am looking to try and explore that grey a little more.

I will not aggressively seek my partner, but shall remain open if it happens. But if another man enters my life and seems taken aback that I want a date (even after I have shared that) I think I might ninja kick his gay ass. :-)

I am so tired of school, my spirit is drained, but I know that, before you know it, I will be finished and in the real world and missing when I was in the safe confines of a life I have known for years. It might not be the life I have adored, but it has been comfortable.

I still cannot believe that I can sing. It is God, this ability to share with people the music that is my spirit. Voice lessons helped bring me to understanding the gift, but my belief has returned and I am humbled like I was when I was just starting. I have been singing for 18 years of my life and to say the music has been my saving grace is an overwhelming understatement. And God I am good and that feels delicious to write.

I delve into depression cycles sometimes, so out of the blue, it is both startling and like an odd hug.

I try to bring my joy so passionately. Some days it is easier than others. I have learned that some in our world will never get that passion, that joy, and... you know what, they don't have to because I GET IT.

I like beer now. Wow.

I watched the Super Bowl today and was screaming and so into it.

That goes to show that even when you think you know yourself, you really never do. And that, in a nutshell, is why I write these musings: to make sense of who I am in that moment, to elaborate on the joy that follows me, to sing my song for you, to chronicle that there is fear in the new, but such freedom. I really do not know who reads this or if anyone really is all that interested in what I write, but I will continue to share for it matters to me and it is something that I strongly feel I am supposed to do.

And when those supposed to dos mingle into my life, I go with it. I have learned that.

I would like to take a moment and thank Jer, Brie, Duvall, Jamie, and Mikah for being my family and making me feel home. These moments we have shared in cooking, talking, playing, and loving has healed me. You make me feel comfortable enough to shed some baggage and just jump in and cook, talk, and be the truest form of myself. I was singing the other night and you attended (I know you could not Mikah, no worries) and was overwhelmed at the circle of love that exists in the group we have formed. I could not help but think to the future when it will not be the same (due to the inevitability of impending geographical relocations), but instead of becoming sad, I just smiled that much more knowing that RIGHT NOW, I have finally found my home. And I will always remember that and love you.

To all my other friends, I thank you for continuing to come back into my life, call me, share your facebook messages, and colour my journey with your strength and beauty.

Sometimes I hate life. I have never written that for I try to be joyous and the minute I think that a slew of reasons I should be happy creeps into my heart. But, let's be truthful: I have some things to learn, some things that terrify me, some crap to muster through, but GOODNESS, that IS life. I created a definition of what I thought my life was going to be and I was so far off from what it is now and a great distance away from the essence of life.

That in the midst of my personal neuroses there is enlightenment, that in the midst of my obsessions there is spirituality, that in the midst of my loneliness there is a child connection entertaining the adult me, that in the midst of my bullshit there is the good stuff.

So life the past few weeks has sucked, has hurt, has charmed, has delighted, and, most importantly, has grown.

Just like the snow, all I offer you is now, my heart, my thoughts, my present, my journey hues.

So, at least I am journeying somewhere.

Care to come with me again poppets?

Another Sneaking Aorund the Rules Moment

2010-01-14T00:36:00.001-08:00

Still on hiatus...
apparently I need to make sure I understand what that means, but I had to pop in for a moment and say...

Life is so beautiful now with just some minor changes to my life and schedule.

I am taking control of my life and changing some habits.

So empowering and wonderful and I am pleasantly fatigued. :-)

I talked with God last night, in a way I have not done in YEARS.

It was... just... home.

If you feel just an ounce of the grace I have been afforded the past few days then you are blessed beyond measure.

I will see you soon,
Dustin

Returning: I Had to Break My Own Rules

2010-01-08T20:05:00.000-08:00

Hopeless - the scariest of feelings...

This week...
I have been sick and on medicine and on my couch.

There were no words,
no songs,
only illness and worries... and hopelessness,

about school, life, money, and the potentials and the perhaps.

But, as always seems to happen, things change... and in my favour.

I am continually blessed.

There is not one way, but many ways, many opportunities waiting just around the bend.

I got a grade changed and will get my financial aid. I cannot tell you how relieved that makes me feel. I thought that I was going to have to save up enough money to take some classes and get back in good standing with the school.

It is a big focus this year to get HEALTHY. I am so darn tired of getting sick and I have to change some deeply entrenched habits. It will not be easy, but the best things in life are not easily attained. :-)

I know that I am breaking my own rules in writing this blog (since I wrote that i was taking a month off of writing), but I had to share.

After a week of silence it is thrilling to hear the song of the phoenix returning, simple, but true.

Much love,
Dustin

Hiatus

2010-01-05T21:16:00.000-08:00

For over two years I have written musings and shared my stories. Some patterns have emerged, some paradigms have been broken.

I am trying to figure out how to stay in school, make my schedule more consistent, and many other exciting items.

I just feel that I need some down time, some ME time...

So, I am taking a hiatus from my blog, at least taking the month of January to redefine. I am not sure what I want to share now, the topics that make sense to me...

I thank you for reading, I really do.

I am sure that I will return after I take some time. I even plan on reading all the blogs and looking at the past and planning for the future.

Miss me while I am gone please. Winks.

Much love,
Dustin

Brie

2010-01-05T20:38:00.000-08:00

Sometimes life brings you a person that you need, right then and there.

That person is Brie.

Thank you for:

making me laugh,
helping me finally feel like I am home,
taking care of me when I am sick,
delighting in my eccentricities,
listening to me,
trusting me,
having the best comedic timing,
putting me in my place,
understanding what I need,
being the woman I adore.

You are a part of my family. I have NEVER taken someone to a family event during the holidays. Thanks for jumping in and being yourself. I love you more than you could ever know.

And we are the Gellers!

To my Monica
From Phroebe

Love,
Dustin

The Stray Tampon Saga

2010-01-01T18:42:00.001-08:00

Today I went to Rave with Jer and Mer and saw "Princess and the Frog". It was

GLORIOUS!

I looked up show times for Thursday instead of Friday so we arrived for a 415 show that did not exist, but there was a 525 one.

So Jer, Mer, and I sat on the bench inside the theatre and people watched. Amidst the chaos (there were SO MANY people there - wow), a lady accidentally dropped a tampon on the floor. I did not witness which lady or the actual dropping... but for ten to fifteen minutes I was delighted as I watched people kick it and look down to see what was on the floor, and look down and experience reactions ranging from mortified to tickled to embarrassed.

Oh that stray tampon, how it made me smile.

People are so funny to watch sometimes especially when they are experiencing something that should not be happening in the current environment.

So this musing is dedicated to that tampon and how it made me smile on this, the New Year.

Love,
Dustin

Ha to Tonight

2009-12-31T00:00:00.001-08:00

A few of us (Duvall, Brie, Jer, Jamie, and I) moved Duvall's room and each time we moved things, we took a shot.

Fun.
Hilarity.
Ensued.

High.
Pitched.
Laughs.

Much.
Needed.
Frivolity.

Tomorrow is the start of a new year.

For some reason I do not like this particular holiday, I always feel much pressure.

But I have some exciting things planned for me in 2010.

Wow, a decade down, they seem to fly by now.

What.
A.
Time.

Ha.
To.
Tonight.

Mind Meanderings

2009-12-30T02:01:00.000-08:00

I find myself listening to songs I have loved for years, letting their lyrics and familiar melodies soothe me, transport me to the tranquil trail right before sleep... yes, I am writing but in no time I shall be asleep.

Mind meanderings, how I visit these trails often, some are new to me, some trails I have known most of my days.

Right now my mind meanders to love of the romantic persuasion. That is certainly not a new topic of mine. I have wanted it for so long and tried to procure it this year.

I laugh at my efforts like an older man laughs at a younger man who is trying and not understanding that the best in life is not found when seeking, but when one lets go.

No, I am not in love. Do not misread.

But I am thinking about love and all that requires differently. I know myself in the realm of people so well, how to talk to new people, how to make inter-personal relationships work, but get me around a man I like and...

Gyidhalfhgftekmfbnabvsjnaskfnkjyei!

(That is the indiscernible sound my spirit makes. Yes, I just typed random letters on the keyboard, but they achieved the desired result. Ha.)

I don't let it throw me off balance nor do I get as dramatic about it all as I used to, even like I did several months ago. There is a wondrous thing about frame of reference, it gives one power and perspective.

But I just have not really done this and when there is any type of potential I begin thinking and I always seem to comb through some of the same thoughts:

Am I the man that you want/need, the one that will make your life better? And are YOU the man I want/need?

Will you challenge me and see the world with me and let us help each other see it differently together?

Will you help me understand what this love thing is about, why I keep writing musings about it and feel it calling, maybe feel you calling to me? (Yes, I have dated and I was in love, but it was 11 years ago and I am so different than I was back then that I cannot even wrap my heart around the concept anymore... so I feel like I am a newbie in terms of love.)

What kind of man do I want?

I know certain values I need and such, but do I want a chatterbox like me or a simple, quiet man? Or someone deliciously in the nuanced middle that I could never create in mere fantasy?

My friendship circle is a wealth of splendid friends... Who do I want to be the ONE that I tell it all (well, most... I think some should be simply my little playground), the ONE that sees the most, especially when my closest friendships are so intimate...

These are for me to learn and seek, hence the meanderings of the mind title...

I do know that I will not allow this search or possibility to derail me as some of the past have. I am happy and plan to stay that way. I like that colour on me. And as horrid and hilarious this year of looking and dating has been, at least I have done it. (Yes even in the dirty way. Winks. Wait my Mom reads this. Well, she would probably just say, "Good for you son, be safe." Thanks Mom and I was.) And I have demystified this process, it no longer makes me stop in my tracks and NEVER try. So that is a stunning victory.

Although I think I would be a great boyfriend, I am a bit of a perpetual blank stare about all of this... I want to ask some people, "How did you do this and not let it drive you mad?" Ha. (To clarify, I am mad like the Hatter, not in a scary way.)

Still, liking another person is such a funny, head-scratching, what the hell does that mean, I like it, do it again please, why does he make sense to me, really, did you say that, kiss me again and never stop, I wish the world smelled like you did wonder of the world.

And as odd as I am, as intense, as different, I am so GLAD that I am for I eat these experiences and I know that somewhere there will be one that gets it... and even if that does not happen, I at least am opening myself up to the possibility of it happening and that is a miracle unto itself.

Thanks for meandering with me,
Dustin

When the Tears Give Rise to New Terrain

2009-12-30T00:37:00.000-08:00

DISCLAIMER: It took me a few days to write another musing as the last one entitled "The Unbroken Thread" was such a spiritual writing. I truly feel if you want to really know much of me, who I am, my story, it is present in that blog. I honestly even toyed with not writing a blog again as I thought it was a beautiful button to the past few years and the journey my life has undergone.

But I want to continue chronicling and sharing and I am thinking of some new approaches to the blog. I will still write the emotional analysis for that is my air, but I want to add some other items that are different. More on that later...

END OF DISCLAIMER

On Monday, we buried my Grandfather. It was obviously an emotional event, but since I have endured that particular circumstance when my Father died, it was not as traumatic as it could have been.

I sang "The Old Rugged Cross" for the funeral. It is never easy sharing music at a funeral with the spectrum of emotions taking place. As a highly intuitive person, I latch onto someone's tears and sobs and want to take them away.

But, the seriousness of the day was given levity due to a minor mishap.

I walked to the place I was to sing and looked down and saw the sheet music was not there. I looked at Ian (a dear friend and someone that deserves a HUGE hug for attending and playing a funeral, the oddest of performance locales in my opinion) and asked, "Where is the music?". I got an "I don't know."

We had practiced earlier several rooms over from our current location. So what to do? Run like a cougar on acid.

There were a few workers in front of me and I said "Motherfucker" rather loudly. Ha.

(I apologized afterwards and was told that they knew I was under distress. You bet your arse I was under distress.)

I then ran back, in record time I might add, and started the song. The first few lines were shaky as I should have taken a moment to breathe and I got overwhelmed and cracked/something like that, but then I just sang it for Grandpa. That is the miracle of singing at a funeral. Often times, there are directors and other forces that demand this or need that... this was for Grandpa and Grandpa alone... not me, not my ego, not for others, not for show.

That is a beautiful thing and I feel blessed that I am able to have such a gift that can be so readily and easily accessed in a time like this.

I cannot believe that I have now sung for my Dad's funeral and my Grandpa's. Come to think of it - I sang at a reception for my Grandma's (Mammi, my Dad's Mom) funeral too.

Such an odd thing to do and and environment in which to communicate. I try to be an open vessel when singing and that is a dangerous thing at a funeral.

I am glad to say I think Grandpa would have liked it and I am proud I was able to add to his day.

So much change has affected my family in the past few years. It is difficult for all and it takes me a while to understand and process.

I did get to reconnect with some family members I have not seen in quite some time and am going to make a concerted effort to keep the lines of communication open.

I write about this often, but it is such a blessing of mine that I am liked and that almost everywhere I go, someone wants to know my opinion or hug me or say they love me.

I reported on here on my 30th birthday that I wanted to be a bearer of joy. Well, I feel as though I have been successful with that for the most part. I am working on making that a consistent factor in MY life, meaning that I am joyous when no one is around... often times I try to entertain or inspire others and I think that this coming year I will do some more inspiring of MYSELF.

But...

I feel so deeply. I am trying new things as I have been this year: this truly was the year of jumping in and bathing around in a new life bathtub... sometimes it was glorious, other times the water became tepid and out of the blue I was ninja chopped by a rubber ducky.

On Monday, I sang,
I honoured,
I laughed,
I bonded,
I cried...

and when the tears give rise to new terrain, I sing "Hallelujah".

For with this constant newness I realize I am ALIVE, I am reaching to be the best person I know. And sometimes the tears weaken me, sometimes they make my vision blurry, but at least I have the tears to know that I have been living.

I have made so many DIFFERENT choices this year, traveled down roads that I never though possible. Some I have made a mess... truly, some I danced along like we were old chums, but all have made me a better man.

I used to think that I had to wait for something to show me that my real life had started. I don't know where I learned that concept: that I would be a real artist when some magical record industry gave me a record deal, that I would be attractive when a beautiful man told me I was handsome, that I would be a songwriter when someone told me I could do it, where novels were written by other people, where I was not ready or deserving of a real date, where I could not create traditions in a place where I might really live forever, where I had to know everything all at the same time...

I am a singer. And I am an artist because it is who God made me.
I am a beautiful man and if I could I would date me and I would treat me "nice". Only I made that decision, no other man... they do not deserve that power nor will I EVER give that to them again: the sole decision maker on how attractive or valuable I am.
I write songs. They are odd, they are something, but they are the hymns and stories of my heart.
I delight in my novel, I hope others do, but I always will.
Bring on the real date, I am ready. Better make it good. Ha.
I can create anytime, any day, and moment whatever I want. We are all powerful creations, the key is believing we are.
I will never know everything, there is no perfect life, there is always something afoot, but if you flip that perception, therein the good stuff lies.

I am thankful for all the tears for without them I would not see this new terrain, a vast expanse ready for the taking and holding and ushering in of the possibilities of tomorrow.

Much love your way,
Dustin

The Unbroken Thread

2009-12-24T23:50:00.000-08:00

Happy Christmas.

It is upon us in this hour, this time, this day... after all the fuss, the frenetic pace, it smiles as it does each year finding us in some of the same places and in some different phases.

I always flip through the rolodex of my life on this day, remembering the last 30 Christmases (well I guess I don't remember the first few that well) like they are all connected in one amazing thread charting my successes, my growth, my defeats, my darkness, and my light.

Technically Christmas has not really begun. I have not done the ritual of heading to my Mom's and opening gifts and waltzing to see our Christmas film, but I have already been touched by Christmas.

I write a lot, in this land of musings I have shared 257 writings with you, my friend, my reader spirits. Much has happened in these past two years, but let me simply write that I was not sure that I would ever enjoy Christmas again, ever really feel connected to it, no matter what I tried to do, I felt adrift and as though I was living THROUGH it, not in it.

And I have every reason to be in that place right now; there are difficulties looming and death still bows to the family again...

YET...

I find myself renewed in the faith that once walked hand in hand with me.

I hear the voice that I stopped hearing so many years ago, that voice that brought me purpose and joy... a voice that I left, but I now realize NEVER once left me.

That being the voice of God.

So on this day where some celebrate God being born in flesh as a baby boy, let me say:

Thank you God for NEVER leaving me even when I did not hear you,
when I lost all faith in You,
in me,
in life,
in who I could be.

I cried at my church service tonight for several reasons:

Life:
I feel you singing in my very veins, a song that makes me smile from a place I thought dead, but this death was only imagined... this song that makes me whole kisses my cheek and winks at me like a returning friend...

Death:
I love you Dad.
I love you Grandpa...
and to my newfound friend, I am with you on the difficult journey of the first Christmas without, feeling that your thread is broken...

but let me tell you this:

It is NEVER broken, it but branches off to another strand and when you least expect it, there will be something glorious right in your midst, your heart will beat as it did before,

but this time it will beat with more passion and more determination and with a new rhythm that remembers and sees, is a witness to those who are "gone".

Today I had a wonderful meal with my Fictive Kinship Guild (most of them), attended a church service that moved me to tears, was able to lift my voice to the cosmos and link to the thread of the past, the thread of what is to come, and sing to God again. To delight in His presence is a homecoming I thought lost, to sing to my Grandpa and my Dad and lift my voice in power this year, in strength and proclaim:

I sing this year for YOU who is faithless, who is lost, who is sad, who is wandering...

Take my hand, I have been there and I will help lead you home.

Overwhelmed at the beauty that is within each of us on this silent night, this holy night,
Dustin

Bevan gave me a CD from Canada entitled the Canadian Tenors and I laughed because he said he gave it to me because they were all good looking. Ha. I felt lead to open and explore the CD and was taken with the next lyric. Then I placed the CD in my laptop and listened to the music of my heart. Coincidence, I think not my dear ones:

"Watching Over Me" (Jack Lenz, Charles Dickens)
The pure, the bright, the beautiful
that stirred our hearts in youth
The whisper of a wordless prayer
the streams of love and truth
A longing after something lost
the spirits yearning cry
Striving after better hopes
these things can never die

There will always be a shining
sun, there will always be the
rising of the sea
There will always be an angel
watching over me

A timid hand stretched forth to
aid a brother in his need
A kindly word in grief's dark hour
that proves a friend indeed
So shall a light that cannot fade,
beam on thee from on high
And angel voices say to thee
these things shall never die

There will always be a shining
sun, there will always be the
rising of the sea
There will always be an angel
watching over me
There will always be an angel
watching over all

Holiday Homage (Take Two) Part Four: Family

2009-12-24T10:31:00.000-08:00

Last year I missed Thanksgiving and Christmas because I wanted the day to myself (and Jer) and I was ill respectively.

And before that the holidays have been a difficult time for me. I have recorded that on several musings. However, even before deaths and illnesses I felt out of place at holidays.

Let me make this clear (I say that so often in my life that is certainly an "ism"): I have an exceptional family, I really do. I love them and I respect them. But when I am in a group setting, I sense other's energies. I can tell who is sad, who is upset, who feels uncomfortable, and years ago I adopted the "let's make everyone feel loved and entertained" guise. For years it appeared that I was having a grand ole time at the parties when I was actually just flitting around in this energy stupor. It has taken me much thought and breaking of the paradigm to feel comfortable in groups.

I did some research on children of alcoholics (I am one of those) and found this information rather pertinent:

"Tendency to react rather than to act. As children, ACoAs became anxious and hypervigilant. They remain so in their adult lives, constantly scanning the environment for potential catastrophes. Problem solving and stress management techniques are something they consider after the fact if at all."

It is fascinating how a child of an alcoholic (even one that is non-practicing) will revert to behaviours of seeking out an alcoholic to date, become one, or find a child of an alcoholic as a friend. The dynamic is strong and takes much work to break it. I have worked for years to do so, to break the unhealthy portions so i was a healthy individual and could enter relationships with a different mindset.

One of the last items was how to be an adult and not step into my family situations and revert back to the unhealthy me. I think that many people feel uncomfortable in a family setting, regardless of alcoholism or not. I just needed a hiatus from this and some get to know me and like me again time and then step back in, refreshed, aware, and anew.

Does anyone doubt that Dustin analyzes endlessly? It is a gift and a curse.

Last night I arrived at my Mother's for a surprise party for my brother Patrick. Today, he turns 40. Yay for him. A great guy is he!

I did something I have never done before and I wish I had thought of it a LONG time ago. I asked Brie to come with me. It was WONDERFUL to have someone there with me. It somehow changed the situation and made things better. I will invite Brie or Jer or someone I love there again, at least until I find a beau.

All this to say, I am back in the Beam/Darling clan. I was not panicked or ill at ease, I just had fun.

To my family who has wondered where I have been or why I was not there, I offer you this musing and tell you I love you, but I had to do some work on me to feel better and more comfortable in a group setting. I had to let go of the past baggage so I could be free.

I missed you guys. Merry Christmas. Now I know what family means, whether DNA or not, and I am glad to be there and smile and just be, relax and bond with the people that have known me through it all.

Love.

Repeat your sounding joy,
Dustin

PSfP: This is a deep musing even for me, but I needed to share this. I am drinking in the beauty of this Holiday and the camaraderie that can be experienced.

Holiday Homage (Take Two) Part Three: Holiday Film Trailers

2009-12-24T01:31:00.000-08:00

Since this is only my third homage and I am talking about films again, one can see how much I adore the cinema.

I love this time of year because there are many fine films that start coming out across our fine cinemas. It is the time of Oscar (not that the Winter months are the only times great films arrive, but there are traditionally a slew of them at this particular season).

Going to see a film for me is spiritual in nature. I love EVERYTHING about it: purchasing the ticket, buying the gross food (although I wish that it were less expensive), and seeing the trailers: the new stories I will soon get to see and adore adding to my long list of favourites, and then (of course) the main event itself: my cinema story of wonder. And I get to experience it with strangers, people that share only this tale as their common thread. I really think the whole thing is beautiful, I do.

On Christmas, I am viewing "Sherlock Holmes" with my Mama, Terry, Bran, Dee, and possibly Brie and her cohorts. I cannot wait to see the film and love the Christmas tradition of seeing a film with family. Usually it is just Mom and me (and Dad when he was with us, now it is Terry)... adding more to the pack is FUN to me.

Many a great film has been seen on this day: "Cold Mountain", "The Family Stone", "Enchanted" to name a few.

I also love that there are an overwhelming amount of trailers out at this time. Maybe there are always this many, but it seems that there are more shown now.

I just saw one that made me have to change my britches it was so fantastic.

"Clash of the Titans" was a film I loved and so did my brothers. Now with the advancement in technology, this remake looks like a spectacular event. It is a phenomenal trailer and I HAVE TO SEE THIS.

I love the trailers, love 'em, always will.

Take a moment and look at this beauty of what looks to be a great film!

Love,
Dustin

Holiday Homage (Take Two) Part Two: Friends and all that Implies

2009-12-22T22:36:00.000-08:00

Tonight Jer and Brie came over to be with me. My facebook status about my grandfather's death received 15 condolences. Wow. It is nice to know so many care about my family and me. Brie made delicious pizza rolls and we gathered and watched the last disc of season four of "Friends". (To those who are OCD about the series as I am, it is disc 16 starting with "The One with All the Haste" to "The One with Ross's Wedding")

Again I am more than grateful to the creators and actors of "Friends" for sharing stories that are therapy to me in my rough patches.

Funny thing is: I slept through most of the viewing and would only wake up and laugh and agree with Phoebe's humour. I just NEEDED to be around my dear friends.

Thank you to Jer for being there through it all and for being the definition of lifelong friendship,

Thank you to Brie for being back in my life and for being amazing and such a chef.

So in this Holiday season where I am determined to dwell in the joy, I wanted to write that they are my family, my heart, and my endless joy embodied.

Dustin

Bathing in the Why

2009-12-22T12:21:00.000-08:00

I try not to venture to the musing screen when I am completely upset, but this time shall prove to be an exception.

I awoke with a migraine, an experience I do not often have so I am a complete wuss about it. (As opposed to the other times when I am the manliest man of men around)

I called into the Pier which is something I loathe doing since I need the money and want to show that I am not a piss ant bastard face adolescent. Now that was an evocative sentence.

Then I opened up a piece of mail from UALR wondering what it could say. To preface this, I have been on financial aid probation the past few terms due to withdrawing and last year failing two classes. I would like to say that I still have a 3.10 cummulative GPA. Anyway, the letter informed me that my aid was CANCELED due to the "D" in Spanish. I had misread that letter saying I must make a "C" in all classes. I thought I had to have a 2.0 GPA. So I can appeal this and shall letting them know that I made a 3.0 for the term and I only have two terms left and will take the classes I failed next term and there have been more than extenuating circumstances.

Then I checked my voicemail to hear my brother tell me that my Grandpa died around noon today.

What?

I knew that he was ill and in the hospital and Grandpa was ready to go, but (without trying to sound callous) I am tired of trying to find and live the joy at this time of the year and have someone I love get sick, have a surgery, check into a hospital, or die.

I was trying SO HARD to love this season (and I will not be defeated) but today the wind was knocked out of me, the sails are deflated, and I am bathing in the why, trying to recalibrate and start anew.

I will NOT lose my joy.
I will find a way to love this time of year once more.
I will miss my Grandpa and honour him as I live.
I will convince the appeal board to keep me in school. I am SO CLOSE and will not accept defeat.

Thanks for reading. I hope you find your joy and keep holding it in the dark times and let it wrap you in its light,
Dustin

Holiday Homage (Take Two) Part One: Holiday Films

2009-12-21T23:03:00.001-08:00

Last year I wrote several Holiday homages about things that mattered to me in that particular season. I felt it fitting to carry on that idea and make it my first musing tradition. I hope you enjoy them once more.

One of the greatest facets of the season are the films that have been made set in Christmas environment. I love putting the DVD on and escaping into the Holiday tales.

One of my personal favourites is "The Family Stone". The story, the cast, the score are all phenomenal.

I cannot stop laughing when I watch "Elf". It makes me want to visit the North Pole and wear tights (and this gay does not like the tights).

"Rudolph" flings me back to the watercolour days of childhood and propels me to a simple time when Santa was real and I believed a reindeer with a shining nose would get the chance to guide Santa's sleigh on that silent night of promise, toys, and magic.

You have not lived until you have seen "Pinky and the Brain's" Christmas. Really. I love those guys.

"He-Man and She-Ra's Christmas Special" is horrid, but it is both of them in their glory changing and deriving power from that ominous Greyskull.

I watch "Garfield's Christmas Special" (it also contains the Halloween and Thanksgiving ones too) each year and love the sweetness of the Grandma's story and how she misses her deceased husband.

This year I have the new Sandi Patty Christmas DVD and cannot stop watching her do her thing so beautifully as only she can do.

"It's a Wonderful Life" and "Miracle on 34th Street" are impeccable and classics too.

And there are the delightful television Christmas shows: "The West Wing", "Gilmore girls", "Golden Girls", "Friends", and even a "Twilight Zone". (Maybe more than one)

These films and shows are Christmas to me. They are like a long hug and a cup of cocoa all wrapped in stories that are a part of my heritage.

Here's wishing you that long hug and that cup of cocoa. May it evoke the childlike memories of Christmas and let this holiday be simple and heartfelt,
Dustin

Different (My Unexpected Hymn of Grace)

2009-12-21T12:49:00.001-08:00

I feel so different, so full of thanks and the grace that life keeps affording me.

It is beautiful to have a song in my heart at this time of the calendar year.

I just want to hug everyone and give them some of the joy I possess; there is more than enough to go around.

And since my bank account is deflated, that might just be what you get from me for Christmas: a hug. But I am really good at them. :-)

When least anticipated, my unexpected hymn of grace entered in this heart who so deeply desired a Holiday hymn.

Peace be unto you and may joy and warmth cuddle you in the cold and let you know you are loved,
Dustin

Falling into my Hands

2009-12-19T01:05:00.000-08:00

How did I fall into this life, this story of beauty?
I love tonight... Brie, Jer, Jamie, and I (and others) had a surprise party for Duvall. Just like anyone born on Christmas day, Duvall "got the shaft" (and not in the gay fun way) on his birthday.

It was a blur and such fun trying to throw together this soiree. And Duvall was surprised and seemed to have a great time.

I must say that I cannot recall when I have been this happy at this time of the year.

I love my friends.
I love my jobs.
I am loved in many places.
I love myself.
I am happy about Christmas.
I get to have fun nights with my friends.
I love my house.
I love my room.
And I just love life and the blessings that keep falling into my hands, and am so grateful that I have lived long enough to know when something is precious and possess the awareness to cuddle with that particular moment, knowing that it is potentially fleeting and that I am living my truth RIGHT NOW.

Such liberation I feel and to know it at this time of the year, a time that has seen me feeling my darkest, is even sweeter, purer, deeper, and more miraculous.

My friends, I am living my Christmas miracle and I could not be happier.

Much love, hope, truth, joy, bliss, peace, and awareness to you.

Live your ideal life now. Let no one tell you it cannot be done. There is no cannot, only can,
Dustin

PSfP: It feels AMAZING to be writing again and sharing my journey journals, really it does.

On the Other Side of Things

2009-12-18T15:48:00.000-08:00

I am breathing a bit better.
I passed Spanish (barely) with a D. While that may not look like a feat to many, those who know me and the odd journey of that class will know it was a victory. Then I made higher grades in every other class than I thought. I made an A in a History class. Amen! I made another A in Theatre. And I made a B in History of Non-Western Music. I find it funny that my grades this term are A DAB for that is what I am, A DAB of brilliance and spirit!

It feels wonderful to know that I am a student again, meaning I am investing and attending and trying my best to learn.

I recently discovered I would be graduating a FULL TERM earlier. I will be finished with UALR in the Fall of 2010. I am going to make out with that piece of paper indeed. It has been such a long, odd, draining, invigorating, eye-opening adventure getting a degree. From the early days at UALR to AMDA and back to UALR through the sicknesses and deaths and depressions...

I feel as though I am on the other side of things.

Now, in the brilliant words of Jed Bartlet (Aaron Sorkin), I shall say:
"What's next?"

And that my fellow musing readers, is the most exciting question and I am SO looking forward to the next frontier.

Dustin

PSfP: The first picture is entitled "Relative Calm" and I love the tranquil and valiant sunlight peeking its head after a storm. Chaos happens and there is no fighting it. But sooner or later, the sun will shine and there will be a NEW DAY again. I love how that circle keeps churning and repeating.

The second picture is one that came across my laptop screen when I typed "serenity". I think it is beautiful and portrays finding calm in the midst of the storm, not after it, but in the midst. A very rare and special gift that grief taught me and continues to do so.

Falling into Wonderland in 2010

2009-12-17T23:12:00.001-08:00

Every year I see a trailer that makes me excited a new year is coming to the cinema. Yes, film is entrenched in my DNA it is. 2010 will be Tim Burton's "Alice in Wonderland". It just looks so damn amazing!

Love it and cannot wait to live this cinematic re-imagining of a beloved world.

The visuals and casting are impeccable.

I am SO excited for March of 2010!

I.
Just.
Love.
The.
Cinema.

The Fictive Kinship Guild

2009-12-14T23:00:00.000-08:00

I do not know what will happen this term in the nebulous world of grading.
So funny that we do place such emphasis on letters. Really? Uh huh.

I finished my finals today and am so tired it is scary. But, I had the weekly meeting of the Fictive Kinship Guild. We ate, drank, and bonded. As Jer put it so eloquently, these nights "make me whole".

Such.
Wonderful.
People.
Period.

Just so you know what defines fictive kinship:
"Fictive kinship is the process of giving someone a kinship title and treating them in many ways as if they had the actual kinship relationship implied by the title. People with this relationship are known as fictive kin. Fictive kinship is also known as relatedness.

Fictive kinship is seen by most current anthropologists as working alongside (or within) but not replacing traditional kinship."

I have waited my whole life for these nights of eating and bonding. Although I know a plethora (thank you fifth grade GT for that word) of friends and have gathered for fun often, it is unparalleled to have gatherings at MY house, cooking and eating with people that all get along and are so damn beautiful.

Thanks to the world for my life,
Dustin

The Quasi-Human (Pre-Quill to Ink)

2009-12-13T23:33:00.000-08:00

I am a walking blur due to the past few days.

Make up tests.
Final studying times.
Papers written.
Working.
Trying to get my voice back after being ill.
That bums me out. When I can't sing I feel like I am a quasi-human, like Quasimodo but not as obsessed with the bells and gypsy women. :-)

I have much to share, new thoughts, stories, oddities, the good and bad.

There is just SO MUCH and my mind is mush right now. I need to process and reflect a bit more before I put quill to ink to parchment of the internet musing variety.

Happy Holidays to all!

Dustin

Closer to Me

2009-12-09T17:03:00.000-08:00

Last night Duvall, Jacob, and I put up the Christmas tree and decorated it with lights and ornaments.

Christmas is still a hard time for me; I feel alone sometimes and miss the magic I once felt as a child.

It has been years since I had a tree. Last year Jay and Karen had a tree, but that was not home. And the years before that Mom and I were too bummed to have a full-fledged tree... And before that, I lived with my brother and it was not home. Even before that, I was in NYC and would visit Bryant but it was not MY tree, MY home.

So, for the first time in years there is a tree that is mine at the home of the Red Door.

I do not know if Christmas of 2009 will be magical, but somewhere, faintly, in a new and also familiar place, I feel that Christmas magic is closer to me than it has been in several years.

As I write this, I am sitting on the couch, resting, the lights are off and the tree lights dance about my dwelling. It feels like home, it feels right, and for the first time in a long time I am starting to believe that the childlike magic is still alive and might just visit me on Christmas.

Me.

2009-12-08T00:26:00.000-08:00

Me.
Again.
Nice.
Whew.
Yes.
Uh-huh.
That.
Is.
How.
I.
Like.
It.
Indeed.

Dustin.

Joy is on the Mend

2009-12-05T21:36:00.000-08:00

I am inviting the joy back into my life even though I may not feel it as passionately as I would like, but the only way for it to return is to usher it in valiantly.

In the grand scheme, there are no worries...

But I have been bogged down by the demons of faithless nights, chiming in with their hopeless refrain...

And I listened to them. I bought their lies... their myths of a life less than I can live.

I know better than to listen to that nonsense.

But we all have those times when what they say rings true, when we need to be enveloped in the negative blanket and purge the soul. I am sure I will have these moments again.

Moments that take me away from my joy and leave me feeling stranded, but I will always find my light and return to the center of my inner child.

It is who I am.

So I don this internet quill to say,

"Joy is on the mend."

Dustin

It feels good, FYI.

The Hollow Man

2009-12-04T01:38:00.000-08:00

This week or so I have been dunked into a well of sadness, stillness, and illness.

I have been in the world of the absolute stop. I don't know why or what compelled my psyche and body to embark on this strange expedition, but embark it did and...

THUD...

I have stopped. What a horrible week honestly.

I try to find the good and there is of course, but it was a horrid week all the way around.

I have so much catch up to do.

No matter what I do, this time of year makes me stop...

Makes me feel like the hollow man.

Dustin

Miss You

2009-11-30T22:57:00.000-08:00

I miss you.
This day hurts me still.
I miss you.
I always, always will.

Aching

2009-11-23T10:32:00.000-08:00

Have you ever lived a life that never happened?

When you wanted something so intensely, from such a visceral place that you felt it in your bones and it was as if it left some imprint on your very skin?

Well, today, I awoke aching for a reality that never really happened but one that took place in my heart all the same, dwelling in this middle ground of reality and hope, my mind in the land of fact, my heart in the land of another realm just as real...

Today I ache for the world I never had the chance to see with the mind,
Dustin

Want to Take that Leap with Me?

2009-11-22T20:47:00.000-08:00

I am humbled to be back at two places where people love me: my dear church family at 2nd Pres and at the land of the crazy retail, Pier 1.

I have new eyes when I work there now. I am so grateful to be seen, to be heard, to be cherished. They are wonderful people and I like that I am singing and living in that grand circle that is my life.

I have been all over the place the past few days due to new beginnings, yet another potential that did not pan out, and starting to really plan and think about the longevity and course of my life.

Do I want kids?
Do I want a husband?
How do I want my life to proceed? (Well, we all know those plans are never how it unfurls, but it is nice to think about and dream...)

The last week or so has seen the burgeoning of new traditions that I love: the cooking nights with wonderful food and fun with friends, some small gatherings at the house with great company... I am really discovering who I am and what I like to do NOW. And it is wonderful.

There are times I am overcome at how thrilling it is to be me: I am so MYSELF and odd and out there... at times it makes even me scratch my head. But I am so equipped for greatness (as we all are). It is merely learning how to harness those tools and take that leap into the brilliance that we all possess.

Want to take that leap with me?

Perfection

2009-11-21T18:52:00.000-08:00

Nights like this, friends, good food, smiles, drinks, are the nights I am living my film life. I feel the swell of cellos and the rise of utter joy.

How I love this perfection.

And I created a drink, the RazDab.

Love to you all,
Dustin

Sunlight (A Tsunami of Muse Activity)

2009-11-20T12:35:00.000-08:00

After a week where I felt horrible and laid around in bed and was murky emotionally, it feels wonderful to breathe again and see the sunlight bathing in my windows.

I planned a party a while ago for tonight and am having to get ready for it. When I was little, if I missed school in the latter portions of the week I was not allowed any "fun time" in the weekend. I still think of that and certainly was not a good school boy this week. But, I think that I welcome the diversion and the camaraderie.

It is nice to be writing again. It is an odd day or week or passage of time when I do not write or sing and I have done precious little of that this week.

But, I guess that just means that there will be a tsunami of Muse Activity forthcoming.

Much love. I missed you and myself,
Dustin

Unease

2009-11-18T20:00:00.000-08:00

There are things that I do not really want to talk about right now, but that are causing me distress and heartache. I am not even exactly sure why they are, they just are.

Funny how one day you can feel all joyous and then the next day you are lounging around in the proverbial rock bottom.

I have been sick this week and hate that when I am trying to get much accomplished.

Anyway, I just wanted to write a smidge and share that I am not really happy in this moment and just want to cry or hit something.

Much love to you and the spectrum that is life, from the splendid to the crappy,
Dustin

Even in the Midnight Terrains

2009-11-15T22:19:00.001-08:00

i should be tired, but all I can do is smile.
After years of trying different techniques, to do lists, and letting the overwhelms drain my effervescence, I did something new. I just DID instead of over-analyzing. A slew of little things that add up to me feeling dancey shakey that ass like it is the money maker it is. (Wait, my Mama reads this now... oh well, she is smiling if she is reading this so no harm, no foul.)

I started today at 715 am and "finished" it at 1145 pm. Whew.

Sometimes it merely takes a simple, seemingly insignificant paradigm shift to make ALL the difference. I feel as though I might fall unconscious at any moment but I also feel that I have shed years of weight, of failures, of things with which I needn't burden myself any longer.

This year I have devoured the new and it has proven worthwhile and launched me throughout the emotional spectrum. As a person who tries to understand where I am emotionally, colour me surprised that, out of the blue, things seem RIGHT again. I feel comfortable in my own skin, with how I am doing things and with where the journey is progressing. There were no cello swells or fairies dancing (well, that is another "tail" at least. The homonymn error was purposeful for humour's sake), but just a simple,

I am back, but stronger and better and cuter than before. And I want to tell everyone!

Colour me surprised that I am where I am, that I seem to keep making friends, singing songs, selling wicker, loving life, and hugging the hand of Fate who has never left my side even in the midnight terrains.

Love. It is that simple.

Love.

Dustin
The pictures are from an impromptu singing gig in which we caroled at an outdoor mall. Since it is pre-Thanksgiving it was early for my tastes, but SO MUCH FUN! I got to wear the elf hat (I have a thing for elves) and sing and it just fueled the passion of my artist. YAY!

Now I CHOOSE the Joy

2009-11-15T00:25:00.000-08:00

Tonight Duvall, Jer, Megan, Jamie, and I ate a meal together. The first three and I grocery shopped together and made steak, salad, bread, and baked potatoes together. Jamie brought a Mmm mmm dessert.

It was like a family talking, cooking, and eating together. It was thrilling and joyous.

Then, Brie came over. Jamie went home. Duvall went to work. We talked, drank and watched (wait for it) "Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors" and then Duvall came home and watched the end with us.

He then read a schoolbook with so many double entendres it is impossible that it was not meant intentionally. He read it aloud in two of the funniest voices EVER.

We laughed and laughed and giggled and reveled in each others joy and company.

Tonight was one of the best nights I have ever lived, period. And it was simple, true, and full of just being ourselves. THESE are my favourite times, the ones that heal and propel me forward and make me blessed to be alive and who I am, where I am, and arriving at a place where I can see the befores and just smile at the pain and say, "You were a comfort to me and a life I knew for far too long."

"Now I CHOOSE the joy."

And it is ALWAYS a choice.

I could write on and on and on about this night, but let me say this:

My friends make me happy. Feeling at home makes me happy. Food always makes me happy.

I am just happy and I want to give that to the world, to anyone that is not happy, I want to hug them and share my energy and let them laugh with me and smile knowing there is SO MUCH out there, so much to conquer, and so much to live and love.

And I love you Jer, Brie, Megan, Jamie, and Duvall (in the order of how long I have known you): my odd little family. :-)

With the warmest of smiles and deepest of joys,
Dustin

I Just Uggghed Today (with a Picture and Caption that Takes the Ughhs Away)

2009-11-13T14:49:00.000-08:00

It is rare that I cannot contain my angst or negativity, but today was one of those days. Between school and assignments, projects, and tests and working again in busy retail and singing at the church, I just UGHHHed today.

In my Theatre class, I wrote a musical idea... just the lyrics and was needing help from my group to finish it and couple it with music. Everyone's muse seems to be napping and I do not want the brunt of this project on my shoulders alone. Let me make this clear: My group is fun and they can all sing! So we got some work accomplished, but I was a bit snippy and "Let's get this going or not do it at all".

Ever have one of those weeks where adult life stuff keeps barreling down on you like a freight train of lunacy?

That has been my week.

No complaints at all. I am grateful that I have ideas and friends and jobs and an active imagination and a shrewd mind, but it can be taxing.

So this musing serves as an indicator light (if you will) of where I am right now...

Off to nap for a bit and then see a show. Ah, the world of live theatre and its therapeutic qualities! :-)

Thanks for reading about my Uggghing today. I promise it is not as gross as it sounds/reads.

Heart to you,
Dustin