Chronicles of Dustin Ashley Beam

I wanted to take a moment and say, "Adieu July. You have been a month of surprise, calm, and lessons. Thank you for being 31 days of monthdom." In this month where I turned 31, I got my heart damaged (but NEVER broken). I came to some realizations about career. I started thinking about stability and how to bring that to fruition. I reveled in being the Cancerian that I am. So, I will not forget what I learned in this month and how the thirties really do CHANGE a person... Like a crustacean, I have been ambling from side to side discovering, recovering, reveling, plotting... Crustaceans are your pals, Dustin This is some information I found online about the Cancer in terms of astrology that I found interesting. Read it at your own leisure: A cardinal (creative and original) sign, Cancer governs home life, matters to do with women (especially the mother), as well as sensitivity and emotional intensity. It is a water sign, so Cancerian people are emotionally intense and deepe...

On the days where it rains, I can feel magic. It is the world telling me, "Just relax. Bathe in the grey and smell the rain." I love the SMELL of rain... The magic water from the clouds makes me want to stay in the house, play video games, and Cheshire grin all day. Rain + grey + clouds = magic. Now you know the equation. Wishing you beauty in your Rain Wonderland, Dustin

I have never liked being alone as much as I do now... I find myself escaping to a dressing room to be alone (in the midst of the show, not just some random Gap dressing room - ha - that could be fun) and read a book, staying in and enjoying my pj look (dapper, let me tell you), watching TV on DVD, (this is truly one of the best delights the world has to offer... Love a story, wish you had more? BAM, put in another DVD...) enjoying a space where you control the stimulus. PERFECTION. A term that is shimmying with subjectivity. :-) There are very few people with whom I truly desire to converse currently. It has NOTHING really to do with my friends, just me. I simply would rather be reading, investigating my potential career path, (I am going to only take core classes this term and research ANY and EVERYTHING I could potentially become career-wise) watch some witty sitcom, sing, or take excessive and wonderfully orchestrated cat naps. So, if anyone reads this and is missing me or thinki...

Today: I performed in MFL... I have more work to do, but it is a start, I called and celebrated Jordan being born. Happy 30th baby! Tonight: I am staying in, eating Ramen, watching "How I Met Your Mother", and vegging on the sofa. Oh, the simple things! Love to you poppets, Dustin

I just had a conversation with an online friend who does not believe that he could ever come out and tell the truth about being gay. Goodness, how that journey has profoundly changed me. I am glad that I was AFFORDED the OPPORTUNITY to be gay, and that I learned to love myself more profoundly and thus love others more profoundly in the process. As I was writing to him about the truths I have met during the last 14 years (it has been that long - wow), I was struck by the fact that if we believe, all is possible. Although I am out and am not in his particular lesson, I can learn from his present and from my past. I told him: YOU create YOU. You may have forgotten Faith, but he has not forgotten you. Somewhere most of us stop believing in something, which starts the trend to stop believing in somethings. We learn to discount, over-analyze, and do what we are taught. But we create the world around us. And our ability to transform is limitless, if we believe that it is. For example, I ha...

Have you ever reached that place of spirit where you are weary, overwhelmed by life... If you were to hold your ear up to my heart and listen closely, you would hear, "I do not care." It is where I am in this moment, these smattering of moments... It will subside, but I am listening and just... being. Tonight, an oddity transpired that pushed me a bit over the edge. But, there is enjoyment in seeing that damn edge... walking on its borders and smiling through it all. :-) There are three things that make me excited and to which I shall cuddle to my heart this night/early am of stillness: Chicken noodle soup, my comfy bed, and "The Big Bang Theory"... Raw on this night, Dustin

Ever since I had Mono a while back, my resistance is low. If there is an illness or bug of any sort lurking about, I catch it. In fact, I can sometimes hear the evil Germ Borg chiming in unison, "Resistance is futile." Damn the Germ Borg and its power... They have kidnapped me and left me in the Insomnia Institute of "Eff You". I will get them back, just you wait (Henry Higgins, obviously "My Fair Lady" is on the brain...) But, I am thankful for... soft pillows and comfy blankets, Chick-Fil-A which I was craving today for some reason, Neil Patrick Harris... yummy, discovering new shows like "How I Met Your Mother", tonight's "So You Think You Can Dance" (dance is divine art), the fact that entertainment exists: films, stories, shows, songs, dances, art... But back to Neil Patrick Harris... (How I love his comedic timing as Barney in "HIMYM" and how I adore his bone structure. Yes, tacky pun on purpose.) Winks, Dustin Patr...

Life is good. Simple. Reorganizing how I do some things. Scheduling and retooling. I guess it is all about the "re" tonight folks. Ah "folks" and its colloquial charm. And "re" and its "I am clever for I made a prefix joke" ha ha-nicity. I am chock-full of bruhaha tonight. :-) My pal and Word Wizard, Ian, taught me that I have been misusing "myriad" for, well forever. Yikes. So any past blogs where I used it as a noun instead of an adjective, well, it was a bold choice to show all that one is not perfect. Yes, that is why. Love "Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince". Worth the wait. Really enjoying the world of "How I Met Your Mother" (Thanks again to Ian!) Trying to get my life in order in all the left-brained ways. Not natural for me, but loving thinking on the other side. :-) With that, I am out poppets... (and yes, that was intended as a pun.)

I am constantly amazed at the bend and liquidicity of life. (Yes, I know I just created a word. It is what I do.) For the past couple of weeks, I was silent, depressed, pensive, still, and searching. It was necessary. It was exactly what I needed. This I KNOW... Now, I have made the decision to change my major to psychology. I will ALWAYS sing and tell my stories through song, but I want to give in a different way. I want to have more stability that the musical theatre life affords. I have let go of the fear of failure. Many of my friends are not writers of song and fantasy, I am. I can consistently tell my tales, whether it be oddity in tune or communication of whimsical worlds... To walk into a new world and change the course of one's life is "stop you in your tracks huh"... but I feel a sense of serenity I have NEVER felt. To those whom have supported my musical theatre career, I am NOT leaving the stage. I am merely choosing to delve into something new, some...

Today I celebrate a woman that is my everything. She is joy, childlike wonder, talent, song, wit, oddity, beauty, and charm in one hot little Mama. JANET LEE DARLING She has undergone some of life's hardest lessons and emerged from them BETTER and STRONGER. Had I the option of Mom selection, I would have still chosen her. She is LIGHT. She tells me often that I am her joy and today I let her know that much of what I love about who I am I learned from her. I sing because she was the music and inspired me to do so. I write because she taught me the words and how to communicate. She is one of the best blessings in my life: as a Mom, a friend, a teacher, and a person who taught me DO NOT QUIT, love yourself, be as odd as you want, LIVE, LOVE, and sing while you are doing it. I love her more than singing with Sandi Patty, hanging out with my beloved "Friends", singing any song, writing, sleeping, Dr. Pepper, Harry Potter, and showering all combined. She is my one true thin...

It should come as no surprise to anyone that has read my musings that I believe in Karma, that I tend to do in-depth emotional analysis, that I believe in connection, and that sometimes I can feel overwhelmed by life. Today, a song called "If I Should Lose My Way" by Linda Eder kept springing to the forefront of my thoughts and I found it on the glorious internet and listened to it several times. I used it as a closer in my "In Pursuit of the Dream" concert in 2002 (02/02/02) before heading to the nebulous Apple. (I find it numerically interesting that I felt the need to listen to it again on 07/07/07. Ha.) I could write about the wondrous connections in my life and it would never do them justice. My friends and family make it all worthwhile. The fact that I never have a shortage of people to see, to love, to know is beyond anything one could dream. Still, I find myself pausing. I find myself a bit deflated. I went from a very dark Fall to deciding I would ...

I am glad I was born. Life is delicious, "confusifying", and everything it needs to be IN that particular moment. Not AT that particular moment, but IN that moment. I am living in the "in" not the "at" and it feels pretty damn good. :-) Friends. Games. Talks. Love. Yay. I am taking this week to disconnect from technology to reconnect with who I want to be in this, my second year of the 30s. Last year I learned to love myself, finally. This year, it is time to decide who I really want to be again, in this new place, this new skin. I feel undefined in realms and it is time to find my own definitions and explore in the playground of a phoenix. The phoenix am I, with my many lives and dreams... time to distill, hone, be... Whew. 31, here I come. :-) Dustin

Heartsick am I, Happened once more has the unthinkable That has lurched into being the thinkable, The usual, the cliche, the expected... I drink now from the stereotype martini Jaded cigarette in hand Ashing on my dreams Burying them in its familiar stench... I seek nothing, please be silent Commiserate at your own peril, This lounge is looming in toxicity Loathing the me I am right now Part of the damn road map That insufferable guide that has papercut me so deeply I am but one tangled scar, Pausing to understand... The voice I recall in times like this Is silent Is weary Is recoiling in pain, wondering where to find the new hymn In the midst In the void In the nothing There will be something Worthy am I, Clinging to a faith dissipating Clawing onto hypocritical sand Gnawing the truth Alone Drinking the last of the stereotype Inhaling the remnants of jaded fumes Pausing to deliberate, to ... ...

You bet your green perky ass I've got the JUMP-gene. Your green perky ass, I say! Five times. Five. Times. Five. Cinco. And I would see it five more times and five after that and five after that (infinity... and beyond. Wait.) Getting to have the experience that is "Wicked" is spiritual in nature for me. Sharing it with my brother who loves the show was a highlight and something I will treasure always. My sis-in-law who is not as devout a fan cried and I was heartened that she too was attending the sanctuary of Schwartz. My nieces and Robert (Mer's boyfriend) were awed as well. There is something about that show... magic, true, fun, heaven. I want to see it again. The last time I was in Memphis was when I auditioned for "American Idol" and my Father and Mother went with me. It was bizarre to walk the streets that Dad and I walked together and not have him there. It was odd because I thought I had really said goodbye to all the places that he dwelled, ...