Snow is spiritual.
I just went and stood out in the middle of my street and let the cascading snow bathe me in its special timing, its simplicity, its complexity, and its whispering truth, "I am here right now, but only for a limited time. I am here for you now, only now, that is all I offer you."
I spent this weekend with my Fictive Kinship Guild and other friends (Ian and Megan) seeing "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof", playing pool, singing a couple songs at a delightful bar, singing in church, watching the Super Bowl and actually loving it, and cooking a meal for my friends. Yes, I cooked and I have to say it was not too shabby.
I felt lead to take some down time away from sharing, but the snow song ushered me to write once more.
I do not know how to do some things, life things, but I am learning and searching and growing.
I do not know exactly what I will be doing after school and that is frightening.
I sometimes feel I have lead a life so out of the ordinary it can be intoxicating and embarrassing.
I became so tired of being alone that I have made a concerted effort to date and it has left me exhausted. I think that my trying so passionately has suffocated the organic nature of the potential.
I tend to make blanket statements sometimes, I am looking to try and explore that grey a little more.
I will not aggressively seek my partner, but shall remain open if it happens. But if another man enters my life and seems taken aback that I want a date (even after I have shared that) I think I might ninja kick his gay ass. :-)
I am so tired of school, my spirit is drained, but I know that, before you know it, I will be finished and in the real world and missing when I was in the safe confines of a life I have known for years. It might not be the life I have adored, but it has been comfortable.
I still cannot believe that I can sing. It is God, this ability to share with people the music that is my spirit. Voice lessons helped bring me to understanding the gift, but my belief has returned and I am humbled like I was when I was just starting. I have been singing for 18 years of my life and to say the music has been my saving grace is an overwhelming understatement. And God I am good and that feels delicious to write.
I delve into depression cycles sometimes, so out of the blue, it is both startling and like an odd hug.
I try to bring my joy so passionately. Some days it is easier than others. I have learned that some in our world will never get that passion, that joy, and... you know what, they don't have to because I GET IT.
I like beer now. Wow.
I watched the Super Bowl today and was screaming and so into it.
That goes to show that even when you think you know yourself, you really never do. And that, in a nutshell, is why I write these musings: to make sense of who I am in that moment, to elaborate on the joy that follows me, to sing my song for you, to chronicle that there is fear in the new, but such freedom. I really do not know who reads this or if anyone really is all that interested in what I write, but I will continue to share for it matters to me and it is something that I strongly feel I am supposed to do.
And when those supposed to dos mingle into my life, I go with it. I have learned that.
I would like to take a moment and thank Jer, Brie, Duvall, Jamie, and Mikah for being my family and making me feel home. These moments we have shared in cooking, talking, playing, and loving has healed me. You make me feel comfortable enough to shed some baggage and just jump in and cook, talk, and be the truest form of myself. I was singing the other night and you attended (I know you could not Mikah, no worries) and was overwhelmed at the circle of love that exists in the group we have formed. I could not help but think to the future when it will not be the same (due to the inevitability of impending geographical relocations), but instead of becoming sad, I just smiled that much more knowing that RIGHT NOW, I have finally found my home. And I will always remember that and love you.
To all my other friends, I thank you for continuing to come back into my life, call me, share your facebook messages, and colour my journey with your strength and beauty.
Sometimes I hate life. I have never written that for I try to be joyous and the minute I think that a slew of reasons I should be happy creeps into my heart. But, let's be truthful: I have some things to learn, some things that terrify me, some crap to muster through, but GOODNESS, that IS life. I created a definition of what I thought my life was going to be and I was so far off from what it is now and a great distance away from the essence of life.
That in the midst of my personal neuroses there is enlightenment, that in the midst of my obsessions there is spirituality, that in the midst of my loneliness there is a child connection entertaining the adult me, that in the midst of my bullshit there is the good stuff.
So life the past few weeks has sucked, has hurt, has charmed, has delighted, and, most importantly, has grown.
Just like the snow, all I offer you is now, my heart, my thoughts, my present, my journey hues.
So, at least I am journeying somewhere.
Care to come with me again poppets?
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