Chronicles of Dustin Ashley Beam

If I am being completely and nakedly honest, I have not consistently felt happy and like me for years... the last time I really felt okay (I think) was when I was in NYC. I have written, I have tried, I have worked, I have let people down, I have cried, I have condemned, I have searched and searched and searched. Something broke me last week. It filled with me the aching hopelessness that is a vacuum to the spirit, is toxic, and devastating. I will not go into those stories for they are far too numerous to recount and I have only begun to really process and see what needs to happen next to get me healthy and happy. For years now I have felt guilty for feeling lost, depressed, adrift, fearful... I mean there are wonderful things I have happening in my life, great friends, talents abundant, just so much good. Yet often I feel detached from that. Certainly not all the time, but sometimes to often is a fair estimation. I can see patterns from this blog (so helpful it has been) of being s...

Patterns emerging Known within but never uttered Now I choose to share I have felt finished broken wasted so far away from the me I thought I wanted Troubling indeed But in the past three I have changed the steps I take Not jumping into the same cycle Not quite okay But resolute Perspective was lost And although it is not quite found I am holding honesty's hand for the first time in a long, long time Looking at me Not blaming Smiling and saying, It's time to try something new Consistency is attainable You are merely strangers And need someone to acquaint you Looking now... So today, I will hold honesty's hand And try to do the same tomorrow But today, I held honesty's hand And that makes me okay Today

I cannot believe that I am writing what is to be my 300th blog. Tonight as I was cleaning blinds in my old bathroom, it happened. Clarity. For the past few weeks I feel like I have been walking in someone else's skin, breathing heavy air, just... so far away from the me I like to be. As I get older, I have come to believe that there is little worse than the sense of hopelessness. In many regards my heart has felt hopeless about where to go for work, what to do with my life, etc. I am still researching several options, but I must admit that I feel weary. Every time I write something like that a litany of the how my life is greats pours over me. My Mother made a strong point the other day. I was calling her to discuss how I feel and what I need to do to feel more in touch with me and all that philosophical magic. She said that most of my life I have been tossed about in some way... from illnesses to being made fun of to moving around all the time to money problems to trying a car...