I cannot believe that I am writing what is to be my 300th blog.
Tonight as I was cleaning blinds in my old bathroom, it happened.
Clarity.
For the past few weeks I feel like I have been walking in someone else's skin, breathing heavy air, just... so far away from the me I like to be.
As I get older, I have come to believe that there is little worse than the sense of hopelessness.
In many regards my heart has felt hopeless about where to go for work, what to do with my life, etc.
I am still researching several options, but I must admit that I feel weary.
Every time I write something like that a litany of the how my life is greats pours over me.
My Mother made a strong point the other day. I was calling her to discuss how I feel and what I need to do to feel more in touch with me and all that philosophical magic.
She said that most of my life I have been tossed about in some way... from illnesses to being made fun of to moving around all the time to money problems to trying a career and deciding it was not worth it... and that I must be yearning for stability.
Something about what she said struck such a nerve and I have been thinking about the past week over and over and over again.
Almost more than anything, what I want is stability - a place where I TRULY feel home and am on the path of doing something that helps the world and makes me feel like the me I love and respect.
I am in a better spot tonight - I had to write some of this out. In fact, I have not written in a bit because I was sorting through all of this.
I don't really feel like me sometimes.
But, tonight brought me some ideas and I am going to play around with those.
In the mean time, my tales of the Red Door have concluded and I have moved into the Place of the Blue Door. Am I excited about this?
Not really. But it is what it is.
The most important thing is that while cleaning my blinds, hope whispered in my ear and said, "I am back. Let's dance."
And that is a dance I am happy to see return.
Perhaps you have to walk outside of who you are to truly discover who you want to be. At least that is my fervent hope.
Here's to 300.
Who woulda thunk it?
Dustin
PSfP: The pictures are of the Fictive and of Jer and me and Duvall, Jer, and me. Honestly, I find myself quite alluring in these pictures. It does not happen often, so I thought that I would share them with you. Enjoy!
Comments