I stumbled into blog writing.
It was fun and made me feel special - sharing my thoughts and dreams and hardships was cathartic.
I feel like I have learned much in the past years and have written as honestly as I knew how to articulate.
The past few months have been the hardest of my life and I have shared a bit of that with you, I have spoken with a counselor, I have started taking medication, I have made some progress.
But, still there are times getting out of bed seems literally impossible.
Times when the panic drowns me.
So, I am simplifying my life and withdrawing from school, focusing on work and paying bills (something that I have not done in some time), and looking at my physical and mental health.
It is time to discover why I am preventing myself from greatness and what factors are in me that I can change.
I have no idea how to do this.
But admitting that I am lost, feeling broken no matter what I do, that when I am happy I am merely waiting for the time that the happiness fades, and saying, "There has to be another way."
So I am doing things that I can do well and say, "Job well done".
And I am a seeker of my truth, something I thought I knew, but has escaped my sight.
And my belief has atrophied.
Rest assured I am better than I was a couple months ago.
But I know I can do a lot and can be someone I respect.
So, I am leaving the blog until I can return to write musings that are not the same patterns, the same note.
I need to journal for myself and cuddle with the words alone, I need to learn me all over again, I need to let go of the pain of a relationship that I so wanted to work and ended with being spit upon, I just need to...
I will end with two song quotes, one that I heard today for the first time (from Sandi) and one I have loved for years. I find both are applicable and the lyrics are my heart, and what I have to do and believe. I miss talking to God, I miss a lot of things.
Where Do I Go From Here
(From "Pocahontas 2: Journey to a New World)
The Earth is cold, the fields are bare,
The branches fold against the wind that's everywhere.
The birds move on so they survive,
When snow's so deep the bears all sleep to keep themselves alive.
They do what they must for now, and trust in their plan.
If I trust in mine somehow I might find who I am.
But where do I go from here?
So many voices ringing in my ear,
Which is the voice that I was meant to hear?
How will I know where do I go from here?
My world has changed, and so have I.
I've learned to choose and even learned to say goodbye,
The path ahead's so hard to see.
It winds and bends, but where it ends depends on only me.
In my heart I don't feel part of so much I've known.
Now it seems it's time to start a new life on my own,
But where do I go from here?
So many voices ringing in my ear.
Which is the voice I was meant to hear?
How will I know, where do I go
From here?
The Edge of the Divine (Sandi Patty)
I'm looking over the edge
I see you waiting for me
Eyes open, face to the wind
Your arms are reaching for me
These chains have held me here
Bound up in lies
But you say it's time I should fly
From the edge of the divine
I can leap into your arms
And your love will catch me
Unafraid to fall into everything you are
Leave the past behind me
I am flying
From the edge of the divine
I've spent too much precious time
Rehearsing memories and loss
That your blood has covered but I,
I must leave it at the cross
Doubt whispers in my ear
Is it safe beyond these tears?
If I should fly into the wonder of Your mercy
Into the fullness of Your Love
I am a child who's been forgiven
And You are enough
Unafraid to fall into everything you are
Leave the past behind me
I am flying
From the edge of the divine
I thank you for reading and caring.
I give you my love and through the wordless times ahead, I will still sing for you.
Farewell... for now,
Dustin
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