From the Court Jester: Congratulations to Regi and Jeremy: I Am Ready for My Own Love

True love is a sight to behold.
I was asked to perform "All You Need is Love" in my dear friends Regi and Jeremy's nuptials. It was a Renaissance theme and in a backyard that would make HGTV people gawk. It was the embodiment of their spirit. They were in the energy of the ceremony. As emotional as I can become over life, I rarely cry at weddings. One would think the opposite of me, hell.... I even do and I AM ME. (Thought provoking blogging dwells here... right now...)

I was deeply moved by this ceremony. The vows, the readings, the ambiance, the costumes, the love, the union.

When I fall in love (it will be forever... wait) I would love to have a ceremony that was this real, anchored in joy.

I have included a few pictures of the wedding and my jester-esque wedding ensemble. It was FUN to wear. (I feel I have a jester's soul.)

There was a particular reading that made me cry because it put words to my heart and how I feel about love, marriage, etc. I am a big believer that I am complete in myself and that I am not searching for a man that COMPLETES me, rather a relationship of reciprocity and respect, in which we share one another's lives. I have never liked the idea that I am walking around 3/4 complete and will not know that other 1/4 until I meet THE ONE. However, I am romantic and believe in true love, romance, deep talks, long cuddling sessions, and finding a man that levels me... that sees part of my story that I have not shared... just waiting for the ultimate audience, that being my love, my heart.

The past few weeks, much talk has revolved around dating and being single. Enough so that the topic has been a reoccurring emotional theme.

I am different. I used to say that to establish an identity that placed me away from others. I had been so hurt and emotionally jaded from junior high and high school antics and verbal abuse that I decided that I would cast myself as odd so I could flit about and do what I wanted when I wanted it. I did not realize that decision placed me away from others.

As I have grown to love who I am and see where I am going, I have realized that I am genuinely different than a lot of gay guys I happen to meet. Not different as in better or worse, just different. I have not dated in years and am not casual about sex. I do not enjoy going to clubs (unless it is an architectural dreamboat and the dance floor is impeccable).

I like talking and getting to know people. I like watching TV on DVD. I like making people giggle. I like odd physical comedy. I love singing and telling stories. I like people that are real and know who they are. I do not like incessant drama that has no purpose other than to be gratuitous.

I have let go of a tremendous amount of guilt about silly things. I do not have to like partying or small talk or sports or all my family gathering in one environment.

I am my own party, enriching conversation sparks me, Quidditch is the only sport I follow, I love my family but have members that are my heart's DNA not my biological DNA.

As I have been writing lyrics to a love song, my mind has been in the realm of thought of being single, feeling alone...

I sat there watching the exquisite Regi recalling the talks we had about being single and how she yearned for a soul mate, a partner, the love of her life. I actually prayed for her and asked that she receive it. At that point, she was single, i was single, so were several of my allies. I surveyed the gathering and thought that, one by one, they are all coupled (some in wonderful ways and some in complicated-I-would-not-want-it-that-way fashion). This brought me a paradox of joy that their heart's cry had been answered and sadness that I was still alone.

Below is the passage that was read at the wedding and one that stirred me:

Why Marriage?
Mari Nichols-Haining

Because to the depths of me, I long to love one person,
With all my heart, my soul, my mind, my body...

Because I need a forever friend to trust with the intimacies of me,
Who won't hold them against me,
Who loves me when I'm unlikable,
Who sees the small child in me, and
Who looks for the divine potential of me...

Because I need to cuddle in the warmth of the night
With someone who thanks God for me,
With someone I feel blessed to hold...

Because marriage means opportunity
To grow in love in friendship...

Because marriage is a discipline
To be added to a list of achievements...

Because marriages do not fail, people fail
When they enter into marriage
Expecting another to make them whole...

Because, knowing this,
I promise myself to take full responsibility
For my spiritual, mental and physical wholeness
I create me,
I take half of the responsibility for my marriage
Together we create our marriage...

Because with this understanding
The possibilities are limitless.

I yearn for dating and being pleasantly uncomfortable. Finally, I agree with what I have been told for years:

I am likable.
I am joyous.
I am beautiful.
I am quality goods.

Unfortunately, one cannot find THE ONE. One of the world's best ironies. In this time, right now, I say for the first time... after years of doubt and growing through the pain, depression, and whimsy...

I am ready.
I call to you... wherever you are...
Whomever you are...
There is a soul...
in tune with mine...

Through the smiles of joy and defeat I arise victorious and rejuvenated...

Dustin Ashley Beam

P.S. It in invigorating to write these journey journals. Thank you, whomever reads this, for being my witness to the stories in my life.