Chronicles of Dustin Ashley Beam

I can become so overwhelmed by the beauty of art: be it song, film, story, painting, and all the events/things that have the potential to be "art" if we allow them to be borne in our hearts, to really be experienced. When we allow ourselves to SEE these art-forms, I taste divinity, I do... sometimes in the oddest of forms, but there it is, smiling at me welcoming me home. :-) After some days of just shitty shitness (which was, frankly, part "The World" and part "Dustin's baggage shimmeying its junk"), it was HEALING to tune into "Glee" tonight and see/hear songs from Heart, Kander and Ebb, Carrie Underwood, and Queen. What?! In one show, and, for the record, I am a Kristin Chenoweth fan. I will keep saying it and writing it, but "Glee" makes my soul giggle. Such a tender and fun warmth, playing in the schoolyard, deep-gutted frivolity. And: Queen - I am not a band person per se, I have nothing against them, but tend to be more of...

Ever have one of those days where you feel raw, that your soul is going to EXPLODE? One of those GRRRRR Expletive days? Well, that was my day, so.... GRRRR... Expletive times fifty! Thank the world for "Pushing Daisies", cheese dip (been craving it like mad), and Monday TV night with Ian "SycaMoore"... these things have kept me in the land of the moderately sane. :-) Life is a tricky little sphinxy bitch sometimes, it is. That is all for now, Dustin

the day is my dark the dark, my day the moon is my light the sun, my night tonight i escaped into the realm of the square the exalted tales of fall issued their call on this the hundred times two i am a man who is in perpetual motion and still within a man who dabbles in ink hoping it dries a story worthwhile a tributary of smile almost a year times two have i tip-toed to muse cascading my screen with worlds unseen thanks thanks thanks sings me for letting my song paint all this time my cadence, my rhyme ... if i never knew my musings, my friend i could not know this newfound bend the mazes of me grieving to and fro sharing the phoenix song all can know flying alone, freeing the child to become a man who dabbles in ink hoping it dries a story worthwhile a tributary of smile dustin * these two paintings illustrate the hues, the colours of me.

What a swirly day: From taking my first test in Spanish, not my shining moment, but I took it and, well, it took me. No where to go but UP in that class, To attending Theatre and working on a scene due Friday, nothing difficult, but unexpected, To having the weekly lunchy lunch chow chow time with mi madre. So fun, just love how she is searching and creating and growing. Such a beacon to me she is, To living my first Music History test, oh my when you know it you do and when you do not, there is no faking it in that class, BUT there are notes and doodles that can be made on the test... Can I get a creative Amen? (Pausing for you to say/dance/act/be it...) .... ... .. (Still pausing for the reticents. That is not a typo, I mean the ones who possess reticence...) Ahh, much better. I doodled happy and sad faces (my creations eager ernie smiley and LETHARGIC LENNY BLAH - more on those characters at some point), the Heroes symbol (which had a good season opener akin to the first season...

connection when sought alludes when fought recoils with the glee demons lurk wearing masks of newborn desires blurry to me am i school fantasy sleep sex love connection okay seeing the me of yestertocks ingesting the bold roads searching for the who knows of my story does my always walk about? i faintly hear some guilt shout be present allow yourself those eyes freedom claws at me guilt beguiles the dancer of spirit of past this is me doing the new steps trying to hold onto the old ping ponging around the duality strengthens my song dies my song begins all in me all in the mights, the haves, the pauses, the glares, the grins, the finallies... all the tranquil suffocation of fear, the melding of the two to seek the one... all

struggling, sifting, soaring, these are the words of me today. no maybes, just nows, paragraph change, indent.

There is a reason one should be in BED ASLEEP at 8:13 am (the time I started writing this musing) and not awake. It was both a great and odd night. Certain topics are NOT for public consumption, but for close friends. Ha. Sometimes vodka brings out the truth within you that you never knew existed. Hmmmm.... I love Quin. I love the Clarks. I love Jer Bear. I love Jojo. I love creativity. I don't love the ludicrous sound reverberating from some type of MASSACRE SAW, making my joints implode instantaneously... somewhere in my neighborhood several cats are being castrated... at least that is what it sounds like. And on a Saturday... For shame, for shame. At 8 am, even the morning birds are saying, "Dude, what the eff?" For some reason birds have a contemporary spin/ghetto vibe to them. I blame modern technology. :-) The following two random phrases I have used recently make me literally "laugh out loud" as opposed to the "lol" that others use as a con...

This week has been a blurry blah blah blue blunder week. Ah well, that is okay. I have begun to believe that merely gives me the perspective to see the spectrum of a bad week vs. a good week. In each blah, there is a yay. The Ballet of the Blahs and Yays fascinates me. Tonight I made a shoebox of my life for a class and had such a time of it! Hence why it is currently 4:06 am and I awake. I made mine have two portions: on the top of the shoebox are two blocks of buildings representing NYC and on one it reads PRESSURE, on the other FAILURE. In the foreground, there is a tombstone reading GRIEF, RIP DAD. On the bottom is my name and the number 12 (a cosmic number for me -- magical even), Mama (for obvious reasons), and gifts (for I feel I have been given several). Then when you open it, there is a phoenix head on the other side of the box (now the top) and two wings, each with CRimson, ORAnge, and ceruLEAN. I have a picture of Wicked, Darkwing Duck, another tombstone emblazoned wit...

It truly is a fight to be a better student. I missed class today. I am doing much better than I was and I have to give myself some time to adjust and get used to the schedule. Both of my roomies have been sick and I have been fighting it. Today, four things made the world a habitable place for me: 1. My bed: ever so comfy and inviting. 2. "Pushing Daisies": It is a travesty this show was canceled. It is delicious! Odd, charming, like a glorious adult pop-up book. 3. Hostess Honey Buns: I rarely have a sweet tooth, but when I do it comes on rather strongly demanding to be satiated. 4. Star of India: I love that place, that food, and the owner Sammy who calls me Dr. Dustin and declares "Welcome home my brother" every time I enter the door. I am in a bit of a blah spot right now. It is understandable as I just wrapped a show and am sorting through many new prospects. Sometimes it is okay to live in the blahs, not hoping to get out of them too quickly for some...

the shell is here my soul off in another place perhaps another time ever have that feeling? that day, that night where you feel blank nothing is wrong life is good i just feel blank hollow still reaching for something out of my normal horizon i let the water drum over me and listen to the rhythm of night perhaps tomorrow will not feel so... blank

tonight i am being gnawed from within, slowly expertly needing... the touch of him the him i have yet to know tonight the loneliness is heroin give me another hit just one and another until i can fall asleep numb to the gnawing

Last night I went to my brother's/sis in law's housewarming party. I got tatted up with some kid tattoos: 5 in all, a seahorse on my forehead, a lion on my cheek, a giraffe on my wrists , and two different fun aliens on my MASSIVE biceps. Ah, how can you have a bad day with a seahorse on your forehead? Today is one of those days in which I have much writing and studying to do and I cannot seem to motivate myself to make soup. Yes, make soup. So, off to try and make some magic happen via soup, tea, writing, studying, etc. The rain is so beautiful and the grey of this day speaks to me. Just love it. Much heartitude and gratitutions, Dustin PSfP: This is NOT the seahorse tattoo, but I really liked it and thought I would display it valiantly. :-)

Such a simple night at El Porton with the soliathero, the best friend, the man that is the Jeremy. After a summer of shows and not seeing each other much, it was a welcome change to do what we used to do every Friday night months ago. Funny how you miss the things you used to have, huh? It was like a homecoming of sorts, but without the football game, homecoming court, and bad soda. From the days of nerdhood to the nights of handsomehood, what a journey my friend, a journey that only you and I could have charted. Jeremy, my brother, I love you and am glad we are doing our thang again. Let's keep it up for it has been missed by my heart... Dustin

Today I assembled my Castle Greyskull. (Sometimes it is spelled with an "a", but I think the "e" looks better.) This is the castle from the 2004 Cartoon Network revamp that I LOVE! I originally received Castle Greyskull as a child and lost it somewhere along the way. But when I was 21 or 22, I asked Mom and Dad and Santa for the new version. I was so excited to open it on Christmas morning. As I was sorting the pieces and being rather O.C.D. about it as one should be when putting together a TREASURE, my Dad wandered into the room and asked, "Son, do you need any help with that?" I laughed and told him I was an adult now and did not need the help, but thanked him. Today as I revisited my magical toy, I could not help but wish I had let him sit down and help me with that. Oh, the ifs, they can get you if you allow it. So... By the power of Greyskull, I have the POWER! Paragraph and thought change: "Glee" is astounding and I cannot wait to see ...

for months i have looked for you tried the flings, the sites, the freedoms i never allowed myself changed am i never thought i, the gay monk would walk down some of these roads. so full of fear, so unknown, why do we fear that which we do not know? but we do until we can live in the fear and see that he wants to be our friend sometimes he is warning us often we misunderstand him i was one of those... rolling around in sexual guilt... from where? why? live it up enjoy play no regrets the moments have washed over me bringing new waves of promise hurtful, tarnishing unexpected, reveling enough i say enough not doing the searching today jaded not me, nor shall i ever be that is a meek decision i am not meek i make this life i alone am responsible but enough not looking now perhaps whomever you are wherever you are it is time for you to look for me for love for what might be for the chance grateful am i for these past months holding the hidden parts of me exploring the me i never knew i am ...

I missed my classes today. Fatigue set in and I just had to rest and process. Thanks to the beautiful rain, "Adventures in Babysitting", and the internet it has been a relaxing day and one I truly needed. I almost cried as I saw that my financial aid has been issued to my UALR account and I merely had to approve it. So, in a couple of days, I will FINALLY have my aid. As I was about to have to issue rather boingy-boingy-bouncy-wouncy checks out to the world, colour me happy and relieved. There are few things worse than not knowing how you can pay for your rent, food, bills, etc. Oh, that darn money. Off to play a game I received from ebay, "Powerpuff Girls: Relish Ramapage". Ha, I do love them and do not feel the slightest bit emasculated for playing that game. Much love to you, Dustin

Jordan, You make it all better. I have known many people and have no frame of reference for you. I meant what I said tonight: You are a FORCE OF NATURE. Where others are a painting, you are the Art Institute of Chicago. Your layers, your stories are boundless and exquisite. I look forward to the tour of you, learning what each painting, each brush stroke represents and am so grateful we found one another and can make some oil paintings of our own. (Clothing optional. Ha.) I wanted to put this out in the musing world for you have been there, listened, validated, shared, and loved me in such a unique and MIRACULOUS way. I hope that my future husband has some of the traits you so effortlessly exhibit. (pun intended, but honestly caught later in the proofreading process) :-) There is NO ONE like you. Thanks for all you are and for making the "faithless, pensive nights" less lonely. My Jojo Joy, my Sally, my sister... :-) Dustin

I feel as though I have been trying to find my way for quite some time and then, without realizing it, there I was walking hand in hand with a friend. He leaned over and kissed my cheek and said, "I am your way and I found you. Thanks for being patient." Major decided. Career path decided and being researched. Organization of ideas for CDs, books, short stories being tweaked and set to a consistent schedule. Such a productive weekend. On September 5th, 2009, I researched a random idea on the internet and fell into something wonderful. I breathed a little better having a tremendous burden lifted from my spirit. Much work to do to prepare, but... I found my way, my way found me, and it is time to get to know one another. Dustin

The whisper welcomed me like a warm comforter after a tumultuous day. "Look what I can do," he proclaimed. Through the ultimate grin of nature, Nimdon Nimbus flew to the ground, whooshing here and there with his best friend, Winthram Wind. Together they frolicked in the recess of the sky. Then like a magical butterfly, Nimdon transformed into Raidyn Rain and played on the ground, making fun puddles and laughing with his friend Philip Synthesis. They always enjoyed the company of one another discovering what the other had done since last they conversed. With a whisper, I was invited into the majestic and magical world of my friends Nimbus, Winthram, Raidyn, and Philip. I love when they visit. So when you hear a soft voice ushering you to look at the seemingly normal rainy day, listen for you might just make some new friends. Love on this rainy day, Dustin

I am devouring a plateful of celery enjoying its refreshing flavours. I abhorred celery in the past, the sight and smell of it almost made me ill. Now it is a comfort food. Let that serve as a reminder that one never knows where ones tastes, life, or identity will take him. I challenge you to look at your celery moments and smile at the juxtaposition of complex and simple, the ways you have changed and grown. So. Much. Fun. Hops. Smiles. Dustin Postscript for poppets: The first pic is celery and, well, is celery. Got it? Coolio. The second pic reminds me of an outfit my Mama would wear and somehow make look remarkable. She is such a fashionable lady, so beautiful. :-) Aw, Mamas.