Chronicles of Dustin Ashley Beam

I miss you. This day hurts me still. I miss you. I always, always will.

Have you ever lived a life that never happened? When you wanted something so intensely, from such a visceral place that you felt it in your bones and it was as if it left some imprint on your very skin? Well, today, I awoke aching for a reality that never really happened but one that took place in my heart all the same, dwelling in this middle ground of reality and hope, my mind in the land of fact, my heart in the land of another realm just as real... Today I ache for the world I never had the chance to see with the mind, Dustin

I am humbled to be back at two places where people love me: my dear church family at 2nd Pres and at the land of the crazy retail, Pier 1. I have new eyes when I work there now. I am so grateful to be seen, to be heard, to be cherished. They are wonderful people and I like that I am singing and living in that grand circle that is my life. I have been all over the place the past few days due to new beginnings, yet another potential that did not pan out, and starting to really plan and think about the longevity and course of my life. Do I want kids? Do I want a husband? How do I want my life to proceed? (Well, we all know those plans are never how it unfurls, but it is nice to think about and dream...) The last week or so has seen the burgeoning of new traditions that I love: the cooking nights with wonderful food and fun with friends, some small gatherings at the house with great company... I am really discovering who I am and what I like to do NOW. And it is wonderful. There are ti...

Nights like this, friends, good food, smiles, drinks, are the nights I am living my film life. I feel the swell of cellos and the rise of utter joy. How I love this perfection. And I created a drink, the RazDab. Love to you all, Dustin

After a week where I felt horrible and laid around in bed and was murky emotionally, it feels wonderful to breathe again and see the sunlight bathing in my windows. I planned a party a while ago for tonight and am having to get ready for it. When I was little, if I missed school in the latter portions of the week I was not allowed any "fun time" in the weekend. I still think of that and certainly was not a good school boy this week. But, I think that I welcome the diversion and the camaraderie. It is nice to be writing again. It is an odd day or week or passage of time when I do not write or sing and I have done precious little of that this week. But, I guess that just means that there will be a tsunami of Muse Activity forthcoming. Much love. I missed you and myself, Dustin

There are things that I do not really want to talk about right now, but that are causing me distress and heartache. I am not even exactly sure why they are, they just are. Funny how one day you can feel all joyous and then the next day you are lounging around in the proverbial rock bottom. I have been sick this week and hate that when I am trying to get much accomplished. Anyway, I just wanted to write a smidge and share that I am not really happy in this moment and just want to cry or hit something. Much love to you and the spectrum that is life, from the splendid to the crappy, Dustin

i should be tired, but all I can do is smile. After years of trying different techniques, to do lists, and letting the overwhelms drain my effervescence, I did something new. I just DID instead of over-analyzing. A slew of little things that add up to me feeling dancey shakey that ass like it is the money maker it is. (Wait, my Mama reads this now... oh well, she is smiling if she is reading this so no harm, no foul.) I started today at 715 am and "finished" it at 1145 pm. Whew. Sometimes it merely takes a simple, seemingly insignificant paradigm shift to make ALL the difference. I feel as though I might fall unconscious at any moment but I also feel that I have shed years of weight, of failures, of things with which I needn't burden myself any longer. This year I have devoured the new and it has proven worthwhile and launched me throughout the emotional spectrum. As a person who tries to understand where I am emotionally, colour me surprised that, out of the blue, t...

Tonight Duvall, Jer, Megan, Jamie, and I ate a meal together. The first three and I grocery shopped together and made steak, salad, bread, and baked potatoes together. Jamie brought a Mmm mmm dessert. It was like a family talking, cooking, and eating together. It was thrilling and joyous. Then, Brie came over. Jamie went home. Duvall went to work. We talked, drank and watched (wait for it) "Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors" and then Duvall came home and watched the end with us. He then read a schoolbook with so many double entendres it is impossible that it was not meant intentionally. He read it aloud in two of the funniest voices EVER. We laughed and laughed and giggled and reveled in each others joy and company. Tonight was one of the best nights I have ever lived, period. And it was simple, true, and full of just being ourselves. THESE are my favourite times, the ones that heal and propel me forward and make me blessed to be alive and who I am, where I ...

It is rare that I cannot contain my angst or negativity, but today was one of those days. Between school and assignments, projects, and tests and working again in busy retail and singing at the church, I just UGHHHed today. In my Theatre class, I wrote a musical idea... just the lyrics and was needing help from my group to finish it and couple it with music. Everyone's muse seems to be napping and I do not want the brunt of this project on my shoulders alone. Let me make this clear: My group is fun and they can all sing! So we got some work accomplished, but I was a bit snippy and "Let's get this going or not do it at all". Ever have one of those weeks where adult life stuff keeps barreling down on you like a freight train of lunacy? That has been my week. No complaints at all. I am grateful that I have ideas and friends and jobs and an active imagination and a shrewd mind, but it can be taxing. So this musing serves as an indicator light (if you will) of where...

I feel as though I am in a whirlwind of mischievous mayhem. Somehow, in the midst of the chaos there is truth and sense. Life is just plain ole funny. Winks at you the reader of this musing, Dustin

Remember this night Dustin. "Something has changed within me, Something is not the same." This is the first musing I have written solely for me to document a night I will always cherish regardless of the whethers, whys, and who knows. Good night. Smiling. Me

Although I am not always a fan of singing choral literature, I must say that tonight's performance with the Cathedral of St. Andrew's choir was marvelous. It affirmed the life-giving quality of music and its ability to bring the masses together. It is the lost musical language of the ancients I feel. I am grateful that I was asked to participate and lend my voice to the evening and the event. It was gratifying and transcendental. Colour me blessed and humbled that I keep being afforded these opportunities. Life is in the here and now and I am rolling around in the brilliance of the falling leaves of music, the autumn of notes. Much love, Dustin

The Rep Young Artists Show, "Follie Holidays" was extraordinary, charming, funny, and heartfelt. I was taken aback at how much I loved the production. Go see it. I started back at the Pier and there are many changes that I like. For one, they have some of the quirkiest products. I wanted to buy ten or so items and had to tell myself, "You just started working because you are broke. Do not let the Wicker and Candles beguile your financial senses." It was a busy and fun first day back. I am heading there in just a bit to do it all over again. The past few days my spirit and mind and body have flipped course from pensive land to the manic pinwheel-like energy world. I tend to go through my moments and seasons, but I am loving the newfound exuberance, muse, joy, and laughter. I cannot stop laughing. I love it. The past couple of nights are the FIRST times I have felt like this is home. Duvall and his charm and roommate extraordinaire gifts of comedy, being re...

"Clue", both the game and the film. Drinking of the vodka and other goodies. Pals coming over to frolic and play. I love to play. Off to my adult recess of the night. Tag, you're it. C-ya l8tr, Dustin

It is what I am doing right now... Swirling. My energy has been resting the past few days, needing a moment to recuperate from all the new. But it has reappeared and is ready to eat the day, devour the morsels that are there to taste and quench the spirit. I cannot begin to describe how gratifying it is to be writing my little novel again. It is speaking to me in little snippets of several chapters and some dialogue. Far from perfect or the finished product, but it is nice to be a conduit for that world. I have missed it and was starting to doubt if I was going to write it again. I am determined to write it and tell that tale, whatever it may become. It keeps taking odd twists and turns, but I would imagine that is to be expected. I feel that it is a living entity and I have to be in the right frame of muse to create and mold the words, expressions, plots, and locales of this epic story. I am struggling with money and dental bills again. Yuk. But I am back at the church and r...

Two tests. A paper. A musical to write. A job to start. A Requiem to perform. A show to see. A novel beginning finally. A company to create. Lyrics waiting to be breathed upon, shown the light of the new day. Posing for photos, looking dapper. Walking to do. Exploring much of the world I know, the world I create, and the world I fear ... officially... commencing. DAB

Sometimes a long walk in my beautiful neighborhood does the trick. The moon and I communicated with only a momentary glance. These are the nights I will remember and the nights I love.

To life, to the gods, the Fates, to whomever reads this musing or hears my heart, I proclaim: Thank the world for music, for the way it heals, it delights, it emboldens, it awakes the language of me. Buy Carrie Underwood's CD "Play On". Do it. Dustin

Oh my. Yes. Oh my. After months... MONTHS I say, I started writing the story. I story that I believe is legitimate, intriguing, nuanced, and full of merit; it possesses its own unique life. Yes, my friends, Jarryden and Noki started speaking to me again. The characters, not the outline or the story, the CHARACTERS! Neleothora and its magic will see the light of day. I am full of hope that this tale will come to be. Oh my. Yes. Oh my.

Do you ever have those days where your soul is adrift and taken a sudden whim to float in the cosmos leaving the shell here on earth behind. On those days you feel just like that, a shell. Today is one of those days. I am returning to the land of the Wickerians and Candlelonians known as Pier 1. I note how I am back at the church singing and back at the retail establishment I first worked when I arrived back home in 2005. Sometimes life just overwhelms. I am in the thick of school and assignments and singing again and working, nothing other people do not do, but it has gotten to me. My mind feels murky, my instincts shot a bit. I attended my weekly "How I Met Your Mother" and "The Big Bang Theory" watch party with SycaMoore (Ian) and had a grand ole time. Vodka of the Grey Goose variety help tremendously. Truly. I am conscious of the life shifts in my days and recently, seemingly out of the blue, there has been one hell of a life shift. I find myself more ...