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Not Quite Myself





As I write this, I am sitting on the couch in my living room, still in my regular clothes, and am anything but sleepy. I do not quite feel like myself right now.

Pain redefined itself for me this week. I awoke on Tuesday and felt horrific agony in my lower right back. Withing a few minutes I knew that something was wrong. Long story short - I went to the UAMS ER and was diagnosed with kidney stones. I have since been informed from a close friend (who happens to be a doctor) that pain experienced from kidney stones is inexplicable.

I was scared for the pain did not seem to stop. Also, it goes to show that one never knows where one's day is going to traverse. As advanced as we have become, we are fragile creatures living our lives and in an instant the balance of that life can change direction.

I am grateful to my friends who were there and a special thank you to Brie for diagnosing me and for handling my garbled and odd phone call with grace, to Duvall for being there and taking me to the ER and showing what a trooper and great man he is, to my Mama for just being herself, and to Jer for being there in the room when they wheeled me off to my first CAT scan.

There is something about a hospital that levels you. I felt so... small.

My body still feels odd and I am fatigued, but grateful that the pain has subsided. During the five or so hours I was hurting, I thought some of the oddest things, I was like an animal: I wanted the pain to subside, I did not want to be seen or touched, I did not want to talk, I wanted to feel okay. I think it is the closest I have come to living in my animal nature. It was spooky. Now I can look back at it and think it was liberating although I would prefer to procure freedom another way henceforth. Hee.

I am stressed about the financial ramifications of the ER visit as I do not have insurance. I feel as though every time I start to get ahead financially, I am bombarded with some ailment. And I am 31 and would like to not be broke all the time. So that, coupled with my physical distress has made for days filled with angst, pain, and frustration.

Starting tomorrow I am jumping into life once more. I have so much catch up to do in school.

Aside: I recently realized I have been doing something I do not enjoy for almost five years now. I know that I need to attend school and that I will be better off for it, but going to UALR after attending AMDA is in some ways like going to high school and then attending kindergarten. The comparison is not perfect for I have learned a lot at UALR, but it is drudgery. I adore learning, but this university and I are not the best fit. But I find myself in a peculiar realm - I am ready to be finished but that means I will have to be in the real world and I "should" know which career path beckons, yet I feel ill equipped.

Yes, I have ideas and am exploring them, but I did not find a mentor at UALR to really help me in the career paths I am investigating and that makes me a bit angry and apprehensive.

I just want to make a difference and give to the world, I want to like what I do and, quite frankly, I haven't a clue if my new career potentials are dead end ideas or ones that will pan out.

That is not the best feeling in the world.

So, I wanted to share the truth of where I am right now: ill at ease, fatigued, and frustrated. A far cry from my traditional "life is amazing" musings, but something that I wanted to share nonetheless.

Still, life is affording me some distinct new rhythms and beauties: I am writing and finishing the CD, I am reveling in my friendships, I am closer to being finished with school and that feels great, I am grateful it was merely a kidney stone and nothing more severe.

So, I know from my past that these frustrations are growing pains, lessons to learn, and the greater the risk the more significant the potential.

There are many potentials in my path now, I just have to choose and go for it.

To my friends: thanks for loving me.
To financial woes: I will beat you, I will be successful.
To those damn kidney stones: You scared me at first, but I will be victorious. Bring it bitches, bring it!

Much love to you this early morning. I cannot believe how quickly 2010 is passing us by, I really cannot. Time is such a funny creature - How is that some years, some days, some passages of time race past our noses faster than others when the actual time is the same... always fascinates me. I need to take some Dustin time and really breathe in this year, get to know it better, and make it feel at home in my spirit.

I hope you are happy,
Dustin

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