Chronicles of Dustin Ashley Beam

I have been trying to get rid of the emotions I had for the man I dated for almost four months, but tonight I realized: I don't have to let go of my feelings, I can cradle them inside for as long as I need. And the biggest epiphany was this: I loved him - it happened, it just was. I did not allow myself to admit that until tonight. I would have done anything for him... I just do not think that he was ready for what I had to offer. So, although I am not there yet, I know one day I will be grateful for this pain, grateful for the heartache that made me feel as though my soul was ripped apart, because it allowed me to know the depths I can love someone, to finally experience that place I had always imagined to be within me. I don't know what the future holds. I thought he could be "my one" and that is something I have waited for and dreamed about for so long that I did not want to see it go. To watch that dream die, that idea of what we could have been... but I never...

This blog - it is a funny little thing. Recently, I have been asking myself why I keep writing, what is the point? And do I feel it odd to share my thoughts and innermost feelings with, well, anyone that ventures onto this musing screen? Why write these musings at all, especially as of late when I have been so deep in the emotional trench of my life? The answer is simple - This blog, my musings help me articulate the moments of my days, the fears of my nights. And I for one think that the world would be a better place if we could all access our emotions and share them more readily. And in helping me, I do hope (and know because of some of the comments/emails I have received) that my words help someone else's road in a small way. Rarely do I plan a blog topic, but one occurred to me tonight on my ride home from seeing "Eclipse" (by far the best film of that franchise) and I need to think on it a bit before I write it - maybe later today or tomorrow. Let's just say t...

I am living in the new reality that it will be a long time before I feel like me again. That sucks. I never know the me I will be on any given moment. I was in the playroom with Quin and had to fight tears. I do not even really know why I was sad. It is like I am caught in some perpetual pregnancy or PMS or menopause - odd since I don't have those parts. Hee. But here I am, trying to get some things in order and trying to be a high-functioning man. Wow, the scope of what I want to do each day has changed to what I MUST do. I am in an odd, odd place of my journey indeed. I shall keep reporting what is afoot. Dustin

My schedule has flip-flopped. I have watched almost three Pixar films tonight alone. Sleep is elusive during the night right now. I love the night, I find solace and alone time. I hate the night, I feel alone and too quiet... Such a duality running around in my corner of the world right now. Just a short thought or two for you on this night turning into early morning, Dustin

Depression is such a powerful force of nature. It really is. I live hundreds of lives per day in my psyche. It is both exhausting and fascinating. I have felt very far away from myself the past few days, just really, really sad. But there are positive things to report. I have a new job at a toy store. I am making some decisions about my life. And right now I am watching "Ratatouille" and having a little Pixar marathon. I think they are geniuses. I am just living my life today, letting it take me wherever it may go. I hope that you have your own personal Pixar time or something of the like, Dustin

"I think if you focus on how you perceive things and their potential your potential you open surprise doors things may indeed seem hopeless at times but it is more likely that you haven't seen the right angle of it and noticed what might await you if you face it in a different mindset" My insightful friend Chris wrote this to me when I was frankly discussing my life. I like the idea of surprise doors and looking at the right angle of something. Everything can change based on perspective. For some time now I have lost perspective. Often, I can see the changes I need to make but then become so overwhelmed that I freeze and do not accomplish the goal. Patterns and deeply entrenched lessons are hard to change, hard to find the truth that you need to live. I dwell in my head and analyze to the point of destroying the good of a situation and circling around the scenario so much it is but an emotional blur. Honestly, at times it is exhausting to be me. I would not begin to...

Today I had more ups and downs than (insert some device, creature, adventure that has multiple ups and downs). But, I got angry... about how I have acted, how I have been treated, about the many hows of my life... and that anger fueled something in me. I felt a hint of me again. I do not know when, but there will be a day where I will be me again and proud of my actions and who I am. I do not know when, but I will be okay, I will get through this and I will be more mature, grounded, and aware and I say, "Let's begin".

People are always saying that change is good, but sometimes I think it is like a brand that burns the skin, something from which you cannot escape and are forced to feel the searing of the flesh, hoping that it heals and that the scar is not horrid. And God love them, people are always saying "Keep the faith". If faith could be kept, I would have held onto him and never let go. But faith is not something that can be held with the hands, but something that visits you and is like a member of the family or a close friend. Right now mine is on a road trip and there is no telling when he is coming back. Rest assured, I will treat him nicely when he returns and let him have the bed this time (Last time I had a crick in the neck so he was placed on the couch) and I will even give him the fancy sheets. Right now I am healing from the burns of change, trying to see what to do with the scars, hoping that at least one of them turns out to be a lightning bolt and will at long last br...

Waking up to a panic attack is not something I would wish upon anyone, no matter how heinous. It has been days since I wrestled with panic, I was hoping the attacks were gone. Alas, not this morning. The good news? It was not as long and I was able to calm down quicker. Today, I am bound and determined to start mapping a new path towards joy, even if it is one windy path traversing all over this new map of my life. And a wise friend of mine (Regi) told me to let myself be sick and take some of the pressure away. So today I am just going to be me in the place where I am, not the place I want to be and see if that makes any difference. Dustin

Three weeks ago I had one of the worst nights in my life, a drive home that seemed like it lasted for nights upon nights, the black night echoing the darkness of my spirit. Still, three weeks later, I am writhing, struggling, saddened, feeling so far away from myself knowing I severed a connection - something I never do. Perspective in the past few weeks has lived in another space, apart from me. I pray for the day that it returns and that I believe what my friends and family have been saying, that I will indeed recover from this and start again. Of course, I already am, but these three weeks have been excruciating. Perhaps one day I can look back on them and see the lessons, right now I just want a good night's sleep. Much love, Dustin

I sent out a text today saying I felt like a loser and that I loved those who received this. The amount of love I received in return to that text was astounding. In this time, this mire of my life where I feel so very lost, there is one thing on which I can stand firm, knowing that there is solid ground. That is the love of my friends/family - they are supportive, honest, eloquent, witty, and true. Right now when I think so little of myself and am trying to get life together one step at a time, they make me realize I had to have done something right along the way to amass such people of character and integrity. So I write this for them today, thanking them for being my solid ground in a time where I feel like I am in emotional quicksand. Much love now and always, Dustin

I don't want to jinx it, but today there was little to no panic. Panic has invaded my dreams, my life, my hopes for MONTHS now and I was starting to believe that I would live a life that contained that poison for the rest of my days. How the mind and heart work are fascinating. But somehow today I felt okay. And okay I will graciously take. I do not pretend that I am ready to jump back into my old life, but perhaps this horrendous chain of events has occurred to prepare me for a new life, one that is different than I could have ever anticipated. I do not know, but I am so thankful to breathe today, a deep and full breath that shows signs that my heart will mend, that I am not a broken fragment to be written off into oblivion. And while this might sound dramatic, if you have ever gone through an atrocious breakup and felt as though your whole life was caving in around you, then you know what I mean. When showering is an epic event, when you feel there is NO HOPE, that you have co...

Sitting on another couch, shackled again. Trying to get up and do something, anything. Here in this city I love and cannot leave the confines of the apartment. "Friends" plays in the background as it always does. I love that show and hate it at the same time, it is the never-ending soundtrack of my life, caught on loop taunting me. When just getting off the couch is a battle, you know you have a long way to go. So, I am admitting it - I have a LONG WAY to go. Dustin

I am more depressed than I have ever been. I have sought counseling and am taking anti-depressants. Perhaps it is odd to share this with the world, but I just wanted to shatter the stigma and be honest. I went on an impromptu road trip to Chicago and am glad that I made the trek. There have been a few moments in which I recognize myself again, in which I feel as though I am waking from the coma I have been in for far too long. Nothing, no one, no place should ever make you feel limited, small, insignificant - ever. I am holding onto this and trying to sort through the pieces of me, trying to get past the panic, and just take small steps and revel in the fact I took them. I want to be proud of myself again and the only way to do this is to try again. Love, Dustin