Chronicles of Dustin Ashley Beam

I was typing the other day and instead of hitting the ! key I hit the ~ key. Two odd altercations happened between two friends and me via facebook so I have deactivated my account for a bit. It was hurtful and unexpected. So when I hit the ~ key it made me smile and forget all that nonsense. ~ ~~~~~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~ ~~~~ ~~~~~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dustin

The past few days I have liked the darkness, the silence of my room. I have not come out much and have watched "Sleepless in Seattle" over and over and over and over. I started wondering why I want to be alone (I am not depressed at all) and started doing the roommate math. I have lived with 41 different people in my life. I have lived in 21 different living environments not including all the different times I moved around with my family as a kid. I have hit a wall where I just want ME time and a lot of it, no talking, no sharing, just alone time. In this much needed silence I find that I am a much simpler person than I once was, that I really love the quiet, and that it is time to live alone soon. I have done the roomie thing more than anyone I know and met some wonderful people, but I am overloaded with that experience. So, back to "Sleepless in Seattle" and my much needed silence. Dustin

Today I taught my first voice/musical theatre lesson in the studio where I now work. I love teaching my kiddos but it was glorious to teach one on one with a young lady who is so talented, so open, and so fun. I lived YEARS away from purpose just hoping that I would find something - anything - that would fill my soul well. It is full, it is wonderful, and I am just soaking that up in my very skin. Soul smiles to you, Dustin

Only I am solid ground. Those whom I love - the new, the familiar - can be my circle, my connections... but the connection to self is the key I have been missing. Peace fills me as I hold the key and begin to unlock the doors of my life. Only I am solid ground and I embrace the beauty of me. Dustin

I missed this blog so I am coming back. I now have two blogs. I am too cool for school. Dustin Ashley Beam Baylan

This blog has been a dear friend to me. I am not good at farewells, but truly this is anything but. I look at it like this - I love the phoenix, the symbolism of it all, the power of rebirth. Hence why I named my blog/musing screen after one. :-) So, I am leaving this particular blog to start another one, one that fits me NOW, the one that I can share in a new way. So this feels right. Thanks to those who have read my musings throughout the years. I hope you follow me to my new musing home entitled THE TWELVE THAT IS DUSTIN BAYLAN. Yes, I am changing the name, the story of that is on the new blog for you to read. Here is the link: http://dustinbaylan.wordpress.com/ Much love, much hope and joy again, much potential... Winks and smiles of the Cat that is Cheshire, Dustin Baylan

I miss thee, my blog, my tapestry of musings... I shall return soon to thee, with a richer smile. Until then, you are not forgotten. Winks and smiles of the cat that is Cheshire, Dash

I stumbled into blog writing. It was fun and made me feel special - sharing my thoughts and dreams and hardships was cathartic. I feel like I have learned much in the past years and have written as honestly as I knew how to articulate. The past few months have been the hardest of my life and I have shared a bit of that with you, I have spoken with a counselor, I have started taking medication, I have made some progress. But, still there are times getting out of bed seems literally impossible. Times when the panic drowns me. So, I am simplifying my life and withdrawing from school, focusing on work and paying bills (something that I have not done in some time), and looking at my physical and mental health. It is time to discover why I am preventing myself from greatness and what factors are in me that I can change. I have no idea how to do this. But admitting that I am lost, feeling broken no matter what I do, that when I am happy I am merely waiting for the time that the happiness fad...

Turning a negative to a positive... Tonight is one of those nights I had a couple of months ago. Panic, hopelessness, dread. But, thank God it is not something that is the norm now, something that is in my design. But oh how I loathe these nights, they seem to taunt me so.

Every once in a while a role picks you. In all of my time in theatre, portraying Leaf Coneybear has been one of the highlights. I miss him already and have ONE more show left. He has been therapy and the show has been a charming playground for me. I will now coin the term "What Would Leaf Do?" and honestly think the world would be a better place if we all had that same motto. So here is to you Leaf Coneybear, my favorite role to play, my dear friend, who brought back the laughter in my life, whose originality speaks to my own and who makes me feel like William Finn just gets it. I love you Leaf!

I awoke after an odd and terrifying dream. I used that dream to write some of the novel. So scary can be turned into something good if I am creative. (I am putting that in my back pocket.) I have not written the blog for a while because I have been sifting through passages of my life and did not want to report the rollercoaster days and nights, I wanted to just let them unfold as they may. The best thing about experiencing a devastating depression and crippling panic is that it has allowed me to really be honest and see myself. And there is a lot to see. A LOT. Of course, Sandi Patty has released a project that mirrors my journey now. How does she do that? The concept I really like is that sometimes when we think we are on the edge of disaster, if we change the lens of perspective, perhaps it is the edge of the divine. Take it or leave it, the idea has been a blanket for me in these times of greeting myself and walking out of this lifelong cloud of uncertainty. Much love, Dustin

Today, in the breath of me There is lightness And stillness And whimsical offerings Of today Now, in the breath of me There is newness And abundance And possibility Of now Then, in the breath of me I start the new dance Letting go Trusting the steps will appear When they will The steps of the today, the now, the then

Dear Leaf Coneybear, Thanks for letting me play you in my upcoming production of "Spelling Bee". It is my hope that I capture your innocence and love of life, your beautiful simplicity and that is speaks to a portion of my heart that is difficult to find these days, that your joy awakens my own in the magic circle of theatre and the rehearsal process. I am so glad to meet you and look forward to becoming the best of friends, Dustin

I spent the weekend working at a toy store, watching great films with friends, watching more "Powerpuff Girls" episodes than a person should in one sitting, and playing with Oz, the wonder pup. I want to live in a bed right now. This week I am working 40 hours and Monday- Sunday. Whew. Talk about a change in schedule. Hopefully it will prove advantageous. I must say - "The Powerpuff Girls" are therapeutic. I am not happy today, not really sad, not panicky, just here. I will take that. Love, Dustin

There once was a man who was lost Instead of Spring within there was frost For the Toy Express he was bound And it was there inside that he found The glint of new life and of peace The hope that drowning darkness would cease All on this simple Toy Express And in the distance he saw the Land of Success

My friend Patti asked me if I was doing okay. She was confused by my blog. One entry was upbeat and the next sad. I understand her confusion. What I am trying to do is report how I am in the moment... and right now that is a glorious mess. I had four really wonderful days where I was energetic and I danced about and was soaking in the joy. The past few days it has been me stuck in a bed again and sad, adrift. It is not nearly as bad as it was a month ago, but still so far from where I want to be. I work at the toy store in a few hours. That is my focus now. I am going to move out for a few months and weigh my options and attempt to finally make a home somewhere. Whew. Tonight I write from Regi and Jer's place. Oz is barking in his crate. I listen to Gavin Creel and just hope for a nice sleep. And to awake in a better place than I have found myself these past few days. But if not, I will take one step and then another. Oh depression, my how powerful. Dustin

Today was one of the best birthdays I have ever experienced. I love my friends and family. I love my presents. I love laser tag. I love board games. I love being a kid at heart. Today was an UP day. So far, 32 is looking damn good. Dustin

Today I have been happy all day. Very little panic. A real glimpse of me. I am a bit tipsy and at a party. What am I doing? Watching youtube clips of Sandi Patty. I am a different gay indeed. I get "liquored up" and watch performances of a Christian singer. I am indeed a wild man. Thank you to God, the world, for a FULL day where my heart was fully present, aware, beating with purpose. Such ups and downs have I endured for so long, it is nice to not feel as though I was on a rickety rollercoaster. Wow.

I do not know how long it will last, but right now (yes it is way too late/early to be awake) I am HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel wonderful. I am just playing with the bubbles of joy in the bathtub of my great night. To commemorate this, I am posting a picture with this blog. It is time to do that again. No matter what, I had this night and know that it CAN happen. I needed to feel and know that.

I have been trying to get rid of the emotions I had for the man I dated for almost four months, but tonight I realized: I don't have to let go of my feelings, I can cradle them inside for as long as I need. And the biggest epiphany was this: I loved him - it happened, it just was. I did not allow myself to admit that until tonight. I would have done anything for him... I just do not think that he was ready for what I had to offer. So, although I am not there yet, I know one day I will be grateful for this pain, grateful for the heartache that made me feel as though my soul was ripped apart, because it allowed me to know the depths I can love someone, to finally experience that place I had always imagined to be within me. I don't know what the future holds. I thought he could be "my one" and that is something I have waited for and dreamed about for so long that I did not want to see it go. To watch that dream die, that idea of what we could have been... but I never...