Chronicles of Dustin Ashley Beam

If I am being completely and nakedly honest, I have not consistently felt happy and like me for years... the last time I really felt okay (I think) was when I was in NYC. I have written, I have tried, I have worked, I have let people down, I have cried, I have condemned, I have searched and searched and searched. Something broke me last week. It filled with me the aching hopelessness that is a vacuum to the spirit, is toxic, and devastating. I will not go into those stories for they are far too numerous to recount and I have only begun to really process and see what needs to happen next to get me healthy and happy. For years now I have felt guilty for feeling lost, depressed, adrift, fearful... I mean there are wonderful things I have happening in my life, great friends, talents abundant, just so much good. Yet often I feel detached from that. Certainly not all the time, but sometimes to often is a fair estimation. I can see patterns from this blog (so helpful it has been) of being s...

Patterns emerging Known within but never uttered Now I choose to share I have felt finished broken wasted so far away from the me I thought I wanted Troubling indeed But in the past three I have changed the steps I take Not jumping into the same cycle Not quite okay But resolute Perspective was lost And although it is not quite found I am holding honesty's hand for the first time in a long, long time Looking at me Not blaming Smiling and saying, It's time to try something new Consistency is attainable You are merely strangers And need someone to acquaint you Looking now... So today, I will hold honesty's hand And try to do the same tomorrow But today, I held honesty's hand And that makes me okay Today

I cannot believe that I am writing what is to be my 300th blog. Tonight as I was cleaning blinds in my old bathroom, it happened. Clarity. For the past few weeks I feel like I have been walking in someone else's skin, breathing heavy air, just... so far away from the me I like to be. As I get older, I have come to believe that there is little worse than the sense of hopelessness. In many regards my heart has felt hopeless about where to go for work, what to do with my life, etc. I am still researching several options, but I must admit that I feel weary. Every time I write something like that a litany of the how my life is greats pours over me. My Mother made a strong point the other day. I was calling her to discuss how I feel and what I need to do to feel more in touch with me and all that philosophical magic. She said that most of my life I have been tossed about in some way... from illnesses to being made fun of to moving around all the time to money problems to trying a car...

Have you ever lived one of those days where small issues keep arising? Singularly they would but barely phase you, but the onslaught of them leaves you fatigued. There were multiple situations like that over and over and over today. And on a survey, I was basically labeled a racist for waiting on a Caucasian woman before I waited on an African American woman, that I did this on purpose. What? Never, ever would I do that. I despise days like these where you are constantly encountering the trivial of the world, not even real problems - they really have no lasting power and no merit... they take up space - Today my spirit is deflated and irritated. I just want to have a meal with Jer and watch some delightful film or sitcom and escape the reality of this stupid Thursday. And venting session musing concluded, Dustin

I sit here writing this in the playroom at Jay and Karen's. Quin is off to bed and the nightly ritual of toggling off brushing teeth and stories has commenced. I worked today and met Jay and Quin for dinner and came over here to bond. I miss this place, it did feel like home to me. My life is so great, but I must admit that sometimes I feel homeless. I love where I live (although I am moving this weekend - something that does not come easily for me honestly), but I do not really feel a sense of belonging like when I lived with my Mom or with Jay and Karen. I do hope that changes. I am so lucky to have the love in my life that I do, but I sometimes long for the home I have in my heart to come to fruition. I admit that maybe that is a naive creation, I do not think so, but I will admit it could be. Sometimes what I thought life would be is dramatically different than what it actually is. But, tonight, I sing a song from the depths of me ushering in a home, a place where I KNOW I b...

Today after a slew of not-feeling-like-me days, I feel like me. And I must confess: I like me. Winks, Dustin

Interesting item of life that I have discovered is that when I am living a full life and SO MUCH is happening, I do not write as often. The past few days especially could have been full of lessons, thoughts, fears, wow - I truly ran the gamut, but I was far too busy and exhausted to write any musings. But tonight I rehearsed with my Mama and sang our duet for my forthcoming concert. It is such a JOY to sing with her. I have been stressed about this event for it had to come together quickly and I have been trying to learn music and get all the necessary details sorted out. WHEW. But tonight I just sang and shared and am anticipating this Sunday night greatly. Finally, five of my little babies get to see the light of day (really it will be the dark of night, but that just sounds scary). These original songs are my heart and I cannot believe that I am getting to perform them at last. This is one of those nights in which I am living in these moments so grateful to have music as my li...