Chronicles of Dustin Ashley Beam

Dear Leaf Coneybear, Thanks for letting me play you in my upcoming production of "Spelling Bee". It is my hope that I capture your innocence and love of life, your beautiful simplicity and that is speaks to a portion of my heart that is difficult to find these days, that your joy awakens my own in the magic circle of theatre and the rehearsal process. I am so glad to meet you and look forward to becoming the best of friends, Dustin

I spent the weekend working at a toy store, watching great films with friends, watching more "Powerpuff Girls" episodes than a person should in one sitting, and playing with Oz, the wonder pup. I want to live in a bed right now. This week I am working 40 hours and Monday- Sunday. Whew. Talk about a change in schedule. Hopefully it will prove advantageous. I must say - "The Powerpuff Girls" are therapeutic. I am not happy today, not really sad, not panicky, just here. I will take that. Love, Dustin

There once was a man who was lost Instead of Spring within there was frost For the Toy Express he was bound And it was there inside that he found The glint of new life and of peace The hope that drowning darkness would cease All on this simple Toy Express And in the distance he saw the Land of Success

My friend Patti asked me if I was doing okay. She was confused by my blog. One entry was upbeat and the next sad. I understand her confusion. What I am trying to do is report how I am in the moment... and right now that is a glorious mess. I had four really wonderful days where I was energetic and I danced about and was soaking in the joy. The past few days it has been me stuck in a bed again and sad, adrift. It is not nearly as bad as it was a month ago, but still so far from where I want to be. I work at the toy store in a few hours. That is my focus now. I am going to move out for a few months and weigh my options and attempt to finally make a home somewhere. Whew. Tonight I write from Regi and Jer's place. Oz is barking in his crate. I listen to Gavin Creel and just hope for a nice sleep. And to awake in a better place than I have found myself these past few days. But if not, I will take one step and then another. Oh depression, my how powerful. Dustin

Today was one of the best birthdays I have ever experienced. I love my friends and family. I love my presents. I love laser tag. I love board games. I love being a kid at heart. Today was an UP day. So far, 32 is looking damn good. Dustin

Today I have been happy all day. Very little panic. A real glimpse of me. I am a bit tipsy and at a party. What am I doing? Watching youtube clips of Sandi Patty. I am a different gay indeed. I get "liquored up" and watch performances of a Christian singer. I am indeed a wild man. Thank you to God, the world, for a FULL day where my heart was fully present, aware, beating with purpose. Such ups and downs have I endured for so long, it is nice to not feel as though I was on a rickety rollercoaster. Wow.

I do not know how long it will last, but right now (yes it is way too late/early to be awake) I am HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel wonderful. I am just playing with the bubbles of joy in the bathtub of my great night. To commemorate this, I am posting a picture with this blog. It is time to do that again. No matter what, I had this night and know that it CAN happen. I needed to feel and know that.