Chronicles of Dustin Ashley Beam

"Unlimited, my future is unlimited." I find it stirring that just as I have arrived at that place in my psyche, I am attending the event in which that is a prevalent theme. I am perambulating (thank you thesaurus.com for giving me a much needed synonym for "traversing"...) into the wonderful world of Oz flipped on its side in the tale that is "Wicked". I am elated! It is my fifth time to see the show and I am more excited because it is my brother's (Brandon a.k.a. Bran Flakes) FIRST time. He loves the show and it makes me happy to know that a "straight" can enjoy the realm of Oz and its intricacies and its eccentricities as much as me... well, almost. I have been doing my own "eleka nahmen ah tum ah tum eleka nahmen" chants so the cast is ready and there are no understudies. I want this to be an unparalleled experience for all the "Wicked" newbies including my bro, my sis-in-law, two nieces, and my niece's boyfrien...

In the glare of the dragon's eye, I saw a new me forming... I thought, "It is time to say goodbye to dreams that died long ago, time to try"... I know I am equipped for flight, for brilliance if I allow myself to listen within... I smile, basking in a peaceful truth long forgotten... I am worthy, I set the scene, Answers are but a pulse away, Time to nurture the newness and let the cerulean dreams spin... In the glare of the dragon's eye...

I do not know if others feel this way, but let me say that I am gay. Actually, that is not what I was going to write, but I wanted to finish the rhyme scheme, for that is how I "roll". :-) My Mom has always told me that things happen over night for me. I will not be able to do something (i.e. singing) and then can, or will not like a food (i.e. cucumbers) and then will in an instant. I think the same can be said for understanding a life concept or feeling as though I have a long-term plan of sorts. The past few days I have been changing and, although it has not been instantaneous like in the past, in a way it has (oh my negating oneself mid-sentence is indeed a gift) for I have been sifting through the layers of much more complicated possibilities and futures. Where is home? What do I want my home to be? What do I define as home? What career path do I want? How do I give to the world but also possess stability? Is theatre my calling? Are there other ones just as powerfu...

good-bye 1591, from godbwye (1573), itself a contraction of God be with ye, infl. by good day, good evening, etc. I have such a problem with goodbyes... of all kinds, be it uttering that word after a show concludes, when a friend moves, when a television program ends. I am not quite sure when I developed this quirk. Tonight I had to say "goodbye" to three people that I met during "Les Mis" and that have been such blessings in my life. I did not get much face time with them due to my schedule, but I wanted to write to them and say, that in each of their own unique ways, they made my life better and more special. So to Becky, Elise, and Jesus (in alphabetical order -- I find that to be best), I raise my voice and say: Job well done. Thanks for all that you brought to my life and for making me feel valued and wonderful. You are all gems and I wish you the best and KNOW I will see you again someday soon. A temporary aside: Chris Lomaka, thanks for the lunch. How ref...

Tonight during a performance of "The Producers" something hilarious happened. I was in the middle of "Along Came Bialy", which is a number with old ladies dancing about wildly with their walkers, when I accidentally flung my right shoe several feet downstage. I have often wished that the audience could actually hear the internal monologue of an actor when a moment goes awry. In the course of a few seconds, I had decided what I needed to do to procure the shoe for if I did not, it would be in the way of the rest of the cast during the Act 1 finale. If the viewers had heard me, there was an impressive string of expletives screaming in a mischievous and petrified chorus. I was impressed with how fast I retrieved the shoe and how I placed it on my foot right before I had a little dancy dance with the lead, Max. Oh live theatre. :-) If only it had been a prince that found the shoe and placed it on my foot... If only. (Of course I am not sure I would want a prince...

I love the word MINDFUL. I overuse it, it is like a comfort food, my vocabulary tomato soup and grilled cheese. (Mmmmmm, let me take a moment there. Wait. Another. Moment. Better. Smiles.) I strive to be mindful (and heartful) about events in life and in my heart/mind/daydreams. The past few months I have shared how I wanted to connect romantically with a man and some of the oddities that have transpired. Well the past couple of weeks I have been thinking about relationships, who I am in that context, what I bring to the table both in terms of strengths and past hindrances, and let me tell you it has been one wonky, intoxicating, eccentric, real, daring thrill ride. F*&# thrill rides. Ha. I am a one man thrill ride. (I love how true and dirty that reads. Well played Dustin, well played.) I have certainly kept it in check, but it is FASCINATING to me that, as aware I am of self, that I have little technique for who I am in a relationship. I know that one should not chan...

Ha. That is what my spirit is communicating to me at this precise moment. These last blogs have shown a portion of how I process and start anew with a soul game plan, henceforth referred to as S.G.P. Many virtual oil paintings of promise and hope unfurled in quick succession in the past hours: I feel as though I live in my home now. I took my first bath here. (Note: I have taken showers and been quite Mr. Hygiene, but this was my foray into bathing at the magic house with the red door.) I lay there meditating, listening to Sandi's "Artist of My Soul" over and over again, letting the events of the past few days just wash over me with the water. It was beautiful and therapeutic. I thought about the forthcoming CD and my end goal with the songs and the stories. I thought about how most of my ideas are borne in or around water and how magical water as an entity is... its escape to another world, a portal to the subconscious. I thought about my Dad and how his story an...

I spoke with my dear friend Jojo a bit ago about some life goings on. As always, she was an active listener and shared some insights into arenas of my life. I wanted to quote some of what she said as it inspired me to write several quotes down on a legal pad and tape them on my wall in front of my laptop, Phoebo (yes named after a "Friends" episode..) "At moments where you are the most vulnerable, etc. YOU set the tone..." "You are too busy to worry with that. (whatever the situation may be that is making 'you' feel powerless) 'I have some kind of authority of putting my own pieces in the puzzle. I get to say how I spend my time, etc. I get to say who has what parts of me...'" (I love this one.) "When you are feeling the most scared or things are different than you ever felt before, it means you are taking a different path on your roadmap." I am officially an adult. I am on a one-year lease, I am the name on all the utility bi...

It is my 16th anniversary of loving and hearing Sandi Patty. I am constantly reminded on this day of how the smallest of acts can produce staggering results. Had I not attended my cousin's dance recital, I might not know the voice that stirs and challenges me, the voice that is a part of my musical language. Also, I am mindful of the fact I was exploring a riveting and beautiful new connection at this time last year. It ended so harshly and abruptly. One never knows how long the shelf life of a connection shall last. I have been blessed to know such TREMENDOUS people of character, integrity, and wit. When it comes to the gays, it has been, well, the antithesis (in areas of romance...) I am exploring the trembling terrain of Fear, carefully passing the Past, deciphering the clues it is giving me, and trying to be PRESENT in the midst of this journey. Much has been thrown my way in the past couple of weeks. It seems to be a recurring theme, nothing then so many somethings. I...

What a week of emotional ripples, that by themselves meant little, but together formed a transformer tsunami. I need to just breathe, rest, and start anew. It is rare that I cannot report particulars, but let me just say that I am going through some changes about how I feel about career, love, jumping into the dating field again, etc. In the midst of this, I find myself grateful that life is issuing me new challenges, new insights, new possibilities. Whew... it can be fatiguing and downright scary. I did not know I was so AFRAID of dating, of sharing who I am with a man I find a potential. I have some cleaning up to do this week... necessary, worthwhile, and difficult... I am now commencing TWO new Operations... Operation: Naturify and Operation: Fictionify It is time to get my white ass out there in nature and also time that I start writing my tale of Neleothora. Fear has been playing with me in the realms of writing... but I feel my story beckoning me, "Enter here and create...

I had a night with a definite maybe. It has been a LONG time... perhaps the first time ever like this. I have never been taken aback to this extent, but something feels like home, granted odd and new, but a home nonetheless. (Like a cabin in the woods with fun repairs to be accomplished) Heart is saying yes, but I am keeping it in check and feeling my way through it, slowly, well Dustin slow, but it is bliwhehuh. (Bliss, overwhelming, and huh) I heart the potential. I heart the fear. I heart... The Maybe. Truly speechless and loving that, Dustin

Have you ever been swimming around in a pool of new emotions and then stopped, scanned the water, and realized you were swimming around in a vat of pudding and instead of swimming... you should be procuring a big spoon with which to study the new taste of said pudding? If you get this, good. If not, good too. It is how my mind and heart operate. It is rare that I say this, but... I have been prancing in pudding this past week and meeting new emotions for which I have little to no frame of reference. Amazing. Twitterpated. Smiling. Internal. Pausing. Gliding. All of the above. Whew, Dustin

I love live theatre and its bewitching capabilities. I also enjoy seeing a cast and then being afforded the opportunity to meet them in person, for REAL and witness the CHARACTERS they really are, inevitably an even more intriguing story. Hee ha ho ha ha ha... and then some. I will and shall forever love The Arkansas Rep. And stories so boldly conveyed through music. And connection. And dancers. I just want to hug and cuddle them. Art, in all its majesty, grandeur, truth, and audacity, I applaud you. Winks and smiles, DAB

My dear friend Catherine (MEOW) shared this forthcoming quote with me today and it made me pause and bathe in its truth and power. I hope that you are moved by it as well. Sometimes you know you were "supposed" to hear/read something right at the particular moment that you did. This is one of those "soul moments". Partake in it as you wish and let us all remember to cuddle with our spirited light, for it is of us, just as the darkness, but affords us our palpable joys. "Our biggest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, or gorgeous or talented or fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. You playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of G...

glee /gli/ –noun 1. open delight or pleasure; exultant joy; exultation. 2. an unaccompanied part song for three or more voices, popular esp. in the 18th century. The past couple of days have: been remarkable, been unfamiliar, been emotional, ushered in a new era of spirituality. I spoke with God again, really spoke. I cried. I thanked. I do not know what I believe entirely, but I do know that I believe in something and that thanking the world, cosmos, God, whatever one wants to label it... feels... good. I feel like I am returning to a place in my heart I thought I would never see again. Much is on my mind and heart about connection, who I am, what I want, listening to heart and head alike, and feeling like life is perfectly bizarre and hysterical. Tonight I watched two shows that brought me to a plane of hope, of gratitude, and of inspiration... SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE I think that dancers are art embodied and it was a visual and soul delight to watch the talented top 20 danc...

I try to share on this blog and give details into my life. It is cathartic, fun, whimsical, and just damn good times for me. It is no secret that I have been deeply entrenched in Operation: Sexify and that it has produced interesting and sitcom-esque moments at times. Suffice it to say I have been on a date, albeit an odd night, and have not just one, but two more forthcoming in rapid succession. I am nervous and excited. I had just about decided I was going to take a break from talking with the gays in a romantic capacity for I was fatigued and... BAM! It happens. Karma in all her glory and distinct comedic timing. Brilliant, nebulous, and sometimes a little bitch. (ha) Dustin is going on a date!!!! Skippity skipptiy flippity floppity hoppity... I spoke til the wee hours of the morning with a man that was so unexpected it is hard to articulate. As I have encountered this circumstance a few times before (oh the men with whom I have conversed on Operation: Sexify missions... th...

I feel pleasantly overwhelmed by a tale with inordinate amounts of heart and truth. This tale is "Up", fashioned by the expert hands of the Pixar genius. Wow, the film moved me. Beautiful. Quirky. Bold. It was a BQB experience. Ha. What a love story. A story that shows that no matter one's age, there are commonalities, frailties, and the ability to hope, to honour the past and usher in a new adventure. You owe it to yourself to attend the tale (like "Sweeney" in no way). And I want to provide a musing shout-out to Michael Giacchino who has scored not only this beauty, but also The "Trek", "Ratatouille", "The Incredibles", "Family Stone", and more. I am a fan of his work and his rich, honest music. I feel so cinemappous, a mixture of cinema, happy, and joyous... from entering into a fictional world that stirred me to action and admiration for the real one. Wow. Yay. Up. Michael. Film. Magic. Up. Am. I.

Swimming with a child who possesses no fear and is a little daredevil... Being with my sister, KQ... Watching Quinster deliver his eccentric diving board monologues... Eating Italian food... Listening to a new person who is articulate talking about subjects in which I know little... Eating popcorn at Rave and seeing my "Trek"... AGAIN... These are the small and the significant, the moments that let my spirit breathe in the blessings, the truth, the life in which I continue to delight and smile to the sky thinking, "I did something right." At peace, Dustin

I sit on my bed at this late/early hour (depending on one's point of view) feeling like I am not in my own heart, like I cannot align with the ME I am right now. There have been other times in my life I have felt murky and as though I could not fully digest what was happening in my consciousness... New York being one of them. What I do know is this: I am a bit new peopled out. I crave companionship with those I know I love and that love me. Even in the weirdest, most challenging times of my life, I know I can call on these few, these kindred spirits, my family... For you, I write this musing: For Karen, my graceful, talented, conflicted, most honest eyes ever friend. I am not close to my DNA sister, but you are a part of me, always. There are people that come into our lives that make us happy because we realize we must be doing something right to have become their friend. You are that person. This I promise you... I will always love you sis! And you are the most talented perso...

I have been SO ill this week and down in spirit due to some life matters, but even in that fog, I have come to some peaceful and surprising decisions about my life. At times I have felt like a stranger in the fog, to myself, to life, to joy, but I welcomed the unfamiliar and have grown from the process. Really. I keep writing it and saying it, but even in the chaos there is beauty if you look for it and when you do indeed discover the wonder, it is that much sweeter. I have no voice, have missed rehearsals and have to go and run the show tonight feeling like I could fall over at any moment. There is something both intrinsically sad and hysterical about that. Oh how life is mischievous making those too often dance hand-in-hand. I am thankful for much and that needs to be noted. The people that are in my life are nothing short of grace and frivolity embodied. I am making myself go to the theatre tomorrow and see "Up" as I am no longer contagious and I feel like I am a par...