Chronicles of Dustin Ashley Beam

A few of us (Duvall, Brie, Jer, Jamie, and I) moved Duvall's room and each time we moved things, we took a shot. Fun. Hilarity. Ensued. High. Pitched. Laughs. Much. Needed. Frivolity. Tomorrow is the start of a new year. For some reason I do not like this particular holiday, I always feel much pressure. But I have some exciting things planned for me in 2010. Wow, a decade down, they seem to fly by now. What. A. Time. Ha. To. Tonight.

I find myself listening to songs I have loved for years, letting their lyrics and familiar melodies soothe me, transport me to the tranquil trail right before sleep... yes, I am writing but in no time I shall be asleep. Mind meanderings, how I visit these trails often, some are new to me, some trails I have known most of my days. Right now my mind meanders to love of the romantic persuasion. That is certainly not a new topic of mine. I have wanted it for so long and tried to procure it this year. I laugh at my efforts like an older man laughs at a younger man who is trying and not understanding that the best in life is not found when seeking, but when one lets go. No, I am not in love. Do not misread. But I am thinking about love and all that requires differently. I know myself in the realm of people so well, how to talk to new people, how to make inter-personal relationships work, but get me around a man I like and... Gyidhalfhgftekmfbnabvsjnaskfnkjyei! (That is the indiscernible ...

DISCLAIMER: It took me a few days to write another musing as the last one entitled "The Unbroken Thread" was such a spiritual writing. I truly feel if you want to really know much of me, who I am, my story, it is present in that blog. I honestly even toyed with not writing a blog again as I thought it was a beautiful button to the past few years and the journey my life has undergone. But I want to continue chronicling and sharing and I am thinking of some new approaches to the blog. I will still write the emotional analysis for that is my air, but I want to add some other items that are different. More on that later... END OF DISCLAIMER On Monday, we buried my Grandfather. It was obviously an emotional event, but since I have endured that particular circumstance when my Father died, it was not as traumatic as it could have been. I sang "The Old Rugged Cross" for the funeral. It is never easy sharing music at a funeral with the spectrum of emotions taking place...

Happy Christmas. It is upon us in this hour, this time, this day... after all the fuss, the frenetic pace, it smiles as it does each year finding us in some of the same places and in some different phases. I always flip through the rolodex of my life on this day, remembering the last 30 Christmases (well I guess I don't remember the first few that well) like they are all connected in one amazing thread charting my successes, my growth, my defeats, my darkness, and my light. Technically Christmas has not really begun. I have not done the ritual of heading to my Mom's and opening gifts and waltzing to see our Christmas film, but I have already been touched by Christmas. I write a lot, in this land of musings I have shared 257 writings with you, my friend, my reader spirits. Much has happened in these past two years, but let me simply write that I was not sure that I would ever enjoy Christmas again, ever really feel connected to it, no matter what I tried to do, I felt adrift ...

Last year I missed Thanksgiving and Christmas because I wanted the day to myself (and Jer) and I was ill respectively. And before that the holidays have been a difficult time for me. I have recorded that on several musings. However, even before deaths and illnesses I felt out of place at holidays. Let me make this clear (I say that so often in my life that is certainly an "ism"): I have an exceptional family, I really do. I love them and I respect them. But when I am in a group setting, I sense other's energies. I can tell who is sad, who is upset, who feels uncomfortable, and years ago I adopted the "let's make everyone feel loved and entertained" guise. For years it appeared that I was having a grand ole time at the parties when I was actually just flitting around in this energy stupor. It has taken me much thought and breaking of the paradigm to feel comfortable in groups. I did some research on children of alcoholics (I am one of those) and found...

Since this is only my third homage and I am talking about films again, one can see how much I adore the cinema. I love this time of year because there are many fine films that start coming out across our fine cinemas. It is the time of Oscar (not that the Winter months are the only times great films arrive, but there are traditionally a slew of them at this particular season). Going to see a film for me is spiritual in nature. I love EVERYTHING about it: purchasing the ticket, buying the gross food (although I wish that it were less expensive), and seeing the trailers: the new stories I will soon get to see and adore adding to my long list of favourites, and then (of course) the main event itself: my cinema story of wonder. And I get to experience it with strangers, people that share only this tale as their common thread. I really think the whole thing is beautiful, I do. On Christmas, I am viewing "Sherlock Holmes" with my Mama, Terry, Bran, Dee, and possibly Brie and...

Tonight Jer and Brie came over to be with me. My facebook status about my grandfather's death received 15 condolences. Wow. It is nice to know so many care about my family and me. Brie made delicious pizza rolls and we gathered and watched the last disc of season four of "Friends". (To those who are OCD about the series as I am, it is disc 16 starting with "The One with All the Haste" to "The One with Ross's Wedding") Again I am more than grateful to the creators and actors of "Friends" for sharing stories that are therapy to me in my rough patches. Funny thing is: I slept through most of the viewing and would only wake up and laugh and agree with Phoebe's humour. I just NEEDED to be around my dear friends. Thank you to Jer for being there through it all and for being the definition of lifelong friendship, Thank you to Brie for being back in my life and for being amazing and such a chef. So in this Holiday season where I am de...

I try not to venture to the musing screen when I am completely upset, but this time shall prove to be an exception. I awoke with a migraine, an experience I do not often have so I am a complete wuss about it. (As opposed to the other times when I am the manliest man of men around) I called into the Pier which is something I loathe doing since I need the money and want to show that I am not a piss ant bastard face adolescent. Now that was an evocative sentence. Then I opened up a piece of mail from UALR wondering what it could say. To preface this, I have been on financial aid probation the past few terms due to withdrawing and last year failing two classes. I would like to say that I still have a 3.10 cummulative GPA. Anyway, the letter informed me that my aid was CANCELED due to the "D" in Spanish. I had misread that letter saying I must make a "C" in all classes. I thought I had to have a 2.0 GPA. So I can appeal this and shall letting them know that I ma...

Last year I wrote several Holiday homages about things that mattered to me in that particular season. I felt it fitting to carry on that idea and make it my first musing tradition. I hope you enjoy them once more. One of the greatest facets of the season are the films that have been made set in Christmas environment. I love putting the DVD on and escaping into the Holiday tales. One of my personal favourites is "The Family Stone". The story, the cast, the score are all phenomenal. I cannot stop laughing when I watch "Elf". It makes me want to visit the North Pole and wear tights (and this gay does not like the tights). "Rudolph" flings me back to the watercolour days of childhood and propels me to a simple time when Santa was real and I believed a reindeer with a shining nose would get the chance to guide Santa's sleigh on that silent night of promise, toys, and magic. You have not lived until you have seen "Pinky and the Brain's" ...

I feel so different, so full of thanks and the grace that life keeps affording me. It is beautiful to have a song in my heart at this time of the calendar year. I just want to hug everyone and give them some of the joy I possess; there is more than enough to go around. And since my bank account is deflated, that might just be what you get from me for Christmas: a hug. But I am really good at them. :-) When least anticipated, my unexpected hymn of grace entered in this heart who so deeply desired a Holiday hymn. Peace be unto you and may joy and warmth cuddle you in the cold and let you know you are loved, Dustin

How did I fall into this life, this story of beauty? I love tonight... Brie, Jer, Jamie, and I (and others) had a surprise party for Duvall. Just like anyone born on Christmas day, Duvall "got the shaft" (and not in the gay fun way) on his birthday. It was a blur and such fun trying to throw together this soiree. And Duvall was surprised and seemed to have a great time. I must say that I cannot recall when I have been this happy at this time of the year. I love my friends. I love my jobs. I am loved in many places. I love myself. I am happy about Christmas. I get to have fun nights with my friends. I love my house. I love my room. And I just love life and the blessings that keep falling into my hands, and am so grateful that I have lived long enough to know when something is precious and possess the awareness to cuddle with that particular moment, knowing that it is potentially fleeting and that I am living my truth RIGHT NOW. Such liberation I feel and to know it at this t...

I am breathing a bit better. I passed Spanish (barely) with a D. While that may not look like a feat to many, those who know me and the odd journey of that class will know it was a victory. Then I made higher grades in every other class than I thought. I made an A in a History class. Amen! I made another A in Theatre. And I made a B in History of Non-Western Music. I find it funny that my grades this term are A DAB for that is what I am, A DAB of brilliance and spirit! It feels wonderful to know that I am a student again, meaning I am investing and attending and trying my best to learn. I recently discovered I would be graduating a FULL TERM earlier. I will be finished with UALR in the Fall of 2010. I am going to make out with that piece of paper indeed. It has been such a long, odd, draining, invigorating, eye-opening adventure getting a degree. From the early days at UALR to AMDA and back to UALR through the sicknesses and deaths and depressions... I feel as though I am o...

Every year I see a trailer that makes me excited a new year is coming to the cinema. Yes, film is entrenched in my DNA it is. 2010 will be Tim Burton's "Alice in Wonderland". It just looks so damn amazing! Love it and cannot wait to live this cinematic re-imagining of a beloved world. The visuals and casting are impeccable. I am SO excited for March of 2010! I. Just. Love. The. Cinema.

I do not know what will happen this term in the nebulous world of grading. So funny that we do place such emphasis on letters. Really? Uh huh. I finished my finals today and am so tired it is scary. But, I had the weekly meeting of the Fictive Kinship Guild. We ate, drank, and bonded. As Jer put it so eloquently, these nights "make me whole". Such. Wonderful. People. Period. Just so you know what defines fictive kinship: "Fictive kinship is the process of giving someone a kinship title and treating them in many ways as if they had the actual kinship relationship implied by the title. People with this relationship are known as fictive kin. Fictive kinship is also known as relatedness. Fictive kinship is seen by most current anthropologists as working alongside (or within) but not replacing traditional kinship." I have waited my whole life for these nights of eating and bonding. Although I know a plethora (thank you fifth grade GT for that word) of friends and ...

I am a walking blur due to the past few days. Make up tests. Final studying times. Papers written. Working. Trying to get my voice back after being ill. That bums me out. When I can't sing I feel like I am a quasi-human, like Quasimodo but not as obsessed with the bells and gypsy women. :-) I have much to share, new thoughts, stories, oddities, the good and bad. There is just SO MUCH and my mind is mush right now. I need to process and reflect a bit more before I put quill to ink to parchment of the internet musing variety. Happy Holidays to all! Dustin

Last night Duvall, Jacob, and I put up the Christmas tree and decorated it with lights and ornaments. Christmas is still a hard time for me; I feel alone sometimes and miss the magic I once felt as a child. It has been years since I had a tree. Last year Jay and Karen had a tree, but that was not home. And the years before that Mom and I were too bummed to have a full-fledged tree... And before that, I lived with my brother and it was not home. Even before that, I was in NYC and would visit Bryant but it was not MY tree, MY home. So, for the first time in years there is a tree that is mine at the home of the Red Door. I do not know if Christmas of 2009 will be magical, but somewhere, faintly, in a new and also familiar place, I feel that Christmas magic is closer to me than it has been in several years. As I write this, I am sitting on the couch, resting, the lights are off and the tree lights dance about my dwelling. It feels like home, it feels right, and for the first time in a ...

Me. Again. Nice. Whew. Yes. Uh-huh. That. Is. How. I. Like. It. Indeed. Dustin.

I am inviting the joy back into my life even though I may not feel it as passionately as I would like, but the only way for it to return is to usher it in valiantly. In the grand scheme, there are no worries... But I have been bogged down by the demons of faithless nights, chiming in with their hopeless refrain... And I listened to them. I bought their lies... their myths of a life less than I can live. I know better than to listen to that nonsense. But we all have those times when what they say rings true, when we need to be enveloped in the negative blanket and purge the soul. I am sure I will have these moments again. Moments that take me away from my joy and leave me feeling stranded, but I will always find my light and return to the center of my inner child. It is who I am. So I don this internet quill to say, "Joy is on the mend." Dustin It feels good, FYI.

This week or so I have been dunked into a well of sadness, stillness, and illness. I have been in the world of the absolute stop. I don't know why or what compelled my psyche and body to embark on this strange expedition, but embark it did and... THUD... I have stopped. What a horrible week honestly. I try to find the good and there is of course, but it was a horrid week all the way around. I have so much catch up to do. No matter what I do, this time of year makes me stop... Makes me feel like the hollow man. Dustin

I miss you. This day hurts me still. I miss you. I always, always will.

Have you ever lived a life that never happened? When you wanted something so intensely, from such a visceral place that you felt it in your bones and it was as if it left some imprint on your very skin? Well, today, I awoke aching for a reality that never really happened but one that took place in my heart all the same, dwelling in this middle ground of reality and hope, my mind in the land of fact, my heart in the land of another realm just as real... Today I ache for the world I never had the chance to see with the mind, Dustin

I am humbled to be back at two places where people love me: my dear church family at 2nd Pres and at the land of the crazy retail, Pier 1. I have new eyes when I work there now. I am so grateful to be seen, to be heard, to be cherished. They are wonderful people and I like that I am singing and living in that grand circle that is my life. I have been all over the place the past few days due to new beginnings, yet another potential that did not pan out, and starting to really plan and think about the longevity and course of my life. Do I want kids? Do I want a husband? How do I want my life to proceed? (Well, we all know those plans are never how it unfurls, but it is nice to think about and dream...) The last week or so has seen the burgeoning of new traditions that I love: the cooking nights with wonderful food and fun with friends, some small gatherings at the house with great company... I am really discovering who I am and what I like to do NOW. And it is wonderful. There are ti...

Nights like this, friends, good food, smiles, drinks, are the nights I am living my film life. I feel the swell of cellos and the rise of utter joy. How I love this perfection. And I created a drink, the RazDab. Love to you all, Dustin

After a week where I felt horrible and laid around in bed and was murky emotionally, it feels wonderful to breathe again and see the sunlight bathing in my windows. I planned a party a while ago for tonight and am having to get ready for it. When I was little, if I missed school in the latter portions of the week I was not allowed any "fun time" in the weekend. I still think of that and certainly was not a good school boy this week. But, I think that I welcome the diversion and the camaraderie. It is nice to be writing again. It is an odd day or week or passage of time when I do not write or sing and I have done precious little of that this week. But, I guess that just means that there will be a tsunami of Muse Activity forthcoming. Much love. I missed you and myself, Dustin

There are things that I do not really want to talk about right now, but that are causing me distress and heartache. I am not even exactly sure why they are, they just are. Funny how one day you can feel all joyous and then the next day you are lounging around in the proverbial rock bottom. I have been sick this week and hate that when I am trying to get much accomplished. Anyway, I just wanted to write a smidge and share that I am not really happy in this moment and just want to cry or hit something. Much love to you and the spectrum that is life, from the splendid to the crappy, Dustin

i should be tired, but all I can do is smile. After years of trying different techniques, to do lists, and letting the overwhelms drain my effervescence, I did something new. I just DID instead of over-analyzing. A slew of little things that add up to me feeling dancey shakey that ass like it is the money maker it is. (Wait, my Mama reads this now... oh well, she is smiling if she is reading this so no harm, no foul.) I started today at 715 am and "finished" it at 1145 pm. Whew. Sometimes it merely takes a simple, seemingly insignificant paradigm shift to make ALL the difference. I feel as though I might fall unconscious at any moment but I also feel that I have shed years of weight, of failures, of things with which I needn't burden myself any longer. This year I have devoured the new and it has proven worthwhile and launched me throughout the emotional spectrum. As a person who tries to understand where I am emotionally, colour me surprised that, out of the blue, t...

Tonight Duvall, Jer, Megan, Jamie, and I ate a meal together. The first three and I grocery shopped together and made steak, salad, bread, and baked potatoes together. Jamie brought a Mmm mmm dessert. It was like a family talking, cooking, and eating together. It was thrilling and joyous. Then, Brie came over. Jamie went home. Duvall went to work. We talked, drank and watched (wait for it) "Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors" and then Duvall came home and watched the end with us. He then read a schoolbook with so many double entendres it is impossible that it was not meant intentionally. He read it aloud in two of the funniest voices EVER. We laughed and laughed and giggled and reveled in each others joy and company. Tonight was one of the best nights I have ever lived, period. And it was simple, true, and full of just being ourselves. THESE are my favourite times, the ones that heal and propel me forward and make me blessed to be alive and who I am, where I ...

It is rare that I cannot contain my angst or negativity, but today was one of those days. Between school and assignments, projects, and tests and working again in busy retail and singing at the church, I just UGHHHed today. In my Theatre class, I wrote a musical idea... just the lyrics and was needing help from my group to finish it and couple it with music. Everyone's muse seems to be napping and I do not want the brunt of this project on my shoulders alone. Let me make this clear: My group is fun and they can all sing! So we got some work accomplished, but I was a bit snippy and "Let's get this going or not do it at all". Ever have one of those weeks where adult life stuff keeps barreling down on you like a freight train of lunacy? That has been my week. No complaints at all. I am grateful that I have ideas and friends and jobs and an active imagination and a shrewd mind, but it can be taxing. So this musing serves as an indicator light (if you will) of where...

I feel as though I am in a whirlwind of mischievous mayhem. Somehow, in the midst of the chaos there is truth and sense. Life is just plain ole funny. Winks at you the reader of this musing, Dustin

Remember this night Dustin. "Something has changed within me, Something is not the same." This is the first musing I have written solely for me to document a night I will always cherish regardless of the whethers, whys, and who knows. Good night. Smiling. Me

Although I am not always a fan of singing choral literature, I must say that tonight's performance with the Cathedral of St. Andrew's choir was marvelous. It affirmed the life-giving quality of music and its ability to bring the masses together. It is the lost musical language of the ancients I feel. I am grateful that I was asked to participate and lend my voice to the evening and the event. It was gratifying and transcendental. Colour me blessed and humbled that I keep being afforded these opportunities. Life is in the here and now and I am rolling around in the brilliance of the falling leaves of music, the autumn of notes. Much love, Dustin

The Rep Young Artists Show, "Follie Holidays" was extraordinary, charming, funny, and heartfelt. I was taken aback at how much I loved the production. Go see it. I started back at the Pier and there are many changes that I like. For one, they have some of the quirkiest products. I wanted to buy ten or so items and had to tell myself, "You just started working because you are broke. Do not let the Wicker and Candles beguile your financial senses." It was a busy and fun first day back. I am heading there in just a bit to do it all over again. The past few days my spirit and mind and body have flipped course from pensive land to the manic pinwheel-like energy world. I tend to go through my moments and seasons, but I am loving the newfound exuberance, muse, joy, and laughter. I cannot stop laughing. I love it. The past couple of nights are the FIRST times I have felt like this is home. Duvall and his charm and roommate extraordinaire gifts of comedy, being re...

"Clue", both the game and the film. Drinking of the vodka and other goodies. Pals coming over to frolic and play. I love to play. Off to my adult recess of the night. Tag, you're it. C-ya l8tr, Dustin

It is what I am doing right now... Swirling. My energy has been resting the past few days, needing a moment to recuperate from all the new. But it has reappeared and is ready to eat the day, devour the morsels that are there to taste and quench the spirit. I cannot begin to describe how gratifying it is to be writing my little novel again. It is speaking to me in little snippets of several chapters and some dialogue. Far from perfect or the finished product, but it is nice to be a conduit for that world. I have missed it and was starting to doubt if I was going to write it again. I am determined to write it and tell that tale, whatever it may become. It keeps taking odd twists and turns, but I would imagine that is to be expected. I feel that it is a living entity and I have to be in the right frame of muse to create and mold the words, expressions, plots, and locales of this epic story. I am struggling with money and dental bills again. Yuk. But I am back at the church and r...

Two tests. A paper. A musical to write. A job to start. A Requiem to perform. A show to see. A novel beginning finally. A company to create. Lyrics waiting to be breathed upon, shown the light of the new day. Posing for photos, looking dapper. Walking to do. Exploring much of the world I know, the world I create, and the world I fear ... officially... commencing. DAB

Sometimes a long walk in my beautiful neighborhood does the trick. The moon and I communicated with only a momentary glance. These are the nights I will remember and the nights I love.