This Seesaw of Silly (Always)

I sit on my bed at this late/early hour (depending on one's point of view) feeling like I am not in my own heart, like I cannot align with the ME I am right now.

There have been other times in my life I have felt murky and as though I could not fully digest what was happening in my consciousness... New York being one of them.

What I do know is this:

I am a bit new peopled out. I crave companionship with those I know I love and that love me. Even in the weirdest, most challenging times of my life, I know I can call on these few, these kindred spirits, my family...

For you, I write this musing:

For Karen, my graceful, talented, conflicted, most honest eyes ever friend. I am not close to my DNA sister, but you are a part of me, always. There are people that come into our lives that make us happy because we realize we must be doing something right to have become their friend. You are that person. This I promise you... I will always love you sis! And you are the most talented person I have ever known. What you do astounds me. Your voice, your honesty, your technique, your storytelling ability, your emotional nakedness. Oh, and you ARE funny. :-)

For Jeremy, who is one of the only people on the planet who makes me feel calm and that I know loves me without the jester's cap. My constant, my love, my perfection. My heart aches for you right now and you are in my thoughts. I never want to be far from your side, I want it all for you, I want you to smile like you did when we were children. You are EVERYTHING to me and without you life would be dull and, well, not a life I would want. You are my perfect essay and multiple choice, checklist friend, you fulfill all criterion, you answer every question, you know it all, you love it all, you share and witness my life. There is no greater blessing than that.

For Jay, who taught me how to be funny on the stage... how to live up there, who is a wonderful man, a brother, a ball of eccentricity that never ceases to amaze, who has one of the most interesting speaking voices on the planet, whose note at the end of "Soliloquy" makes me want to hit him in the face... with admiration... how I long to do "Forum" with you, my partner in oddity.

For Brandon, the brother who astounds me with his quiet power, his intelligence, his silly humour... who reads this blog and has loved me when I was a little shit. I delight in the man you are and am SO PROUD of you! I love that we now share commonalities. I know I used this for Dad, but it is applicable: I do believe I have been changed for the better because I knew you... I have been changed for good. Together, we are unlimited.

For Patrick, my brother who walks with the mischievous muse of comedy. How thrilled am I that the world is noticing how funny you are! I wish you much success for it is not only deserved, but about time the world threw you a bone. Ha, I said "bone". You have such a tender and forgiving spirit. I am a honoured to share DNA with you. Your heart and talent know no boundaries. For a long time I was the one that people saw and heard and that was a shame. I am glad that you are having your time to shine in the spotlight.

For Megan, my dear friend that brings out a feisty, raw, bitchy me that I needed to see and love. You are unlike any other dynamic I have known in friendship. Thanks for just being my friend, for making me food when I was sick, for the numerous nights of sitting in bed and watching films and "Friends" with me. I hope you discover your passion and niche and that life settles for you. Thanks for bringing Edward into my life and for making me feel appreciated every time I see you. You are a wonderful woman and I look forward to seeing our friendship grow, "day by day". I had to do it, I just did. :-)

For Quin, who continues to be a beacon of hope to the fractured portions of my past, who shows me that each day can be a glorious sandbox, who is the cutest damn kid I have ever known, and who honours me with his love. Quinster, it is one of my strongest and most passionate prayers that our bond will continue to grow as you mature. I cannot wait to see your story unfurl and I desire to be in several chapters. Cinco!

For Jojo, who just lives it the right way, who is the most attentive listener, most emotionally honest, delicious specimen of a woman. I respect the way you share, the way you love, the way you learn, and your ability to actively change people's lives. I have NEVER met someone that is as commanding as you are about watching life and articulating the joy and struggle of lessons learned, who in the midst of things channels sensitivity and comical truth. You are a force with which to be reckoned and such a powerful creation. :-)

For Dad, it has been too long since last I hugged you and I wish that could change. It is strange, but I do not think of you as dead... just that you live differently and actually more abundantly in my spirit. For you I lift my voice and sing, always.

and

For Mom, my joy. It is back to the way it should be again. Talking, laughing, loving, sharing, knowing. You make it all make sense. You are the reason I sing. You are my storyteller, my eccentric Yoda, my Phoebe. I love you more than singing with Sandi Patty, sitting and talking with my "Friends" in Central Perk, receiving my Hogwarts letter, drinking Doctor Pepper, having some sailor fun, and finishing my novel. (Funny how I can say that now, huh?) The best parts of me I inherited from you. I now know that you have found the love of your life and I am so... so... overjoyed by that. You deserve it all. You are an original spirit that has every right to be jaded, but has somehow managed to learn from the tragedies and emerge a butterfly with wings that angels themselves want. You are my favourite woman, now and forever.

For all of you, my loves, my lives, my joys, my hearts, I sing:

Always
You are my always,
my friends,
my joys,
I am never far away,
No matter distance or time,
You walk with me,
Hand in hand,
Heart to heart,
I breathe with you
Through the tears
and the charms...
You help me create,
You are my muses,
my collaborators
On this Crazy Canvas,
This Seesaw of Silly