Chronicles of Dustin Ashley Beam

I stumbled into blog writing. It was fun and made me feel special - sharing my thoughts and dreams and hardships was cathartic. I feel like I have learned much in the past years and have written as honestly as I knew how to articulate. The past few months have been the hardest of my life and I have shared a bit of that with you, I have spoken with a counselor, I have started taking medication, I have made some progress. But, still there are times getting out of bed seems literally impossible. Times when the panic drowns me. So, I am simplifying my life and withdrawing from school, focusing on work and paying bills (something that I have not done in some time), and looking at my physical and mental health. It is time to discover why I am preventing myself from greatness and what factors are in me that I can change. I have no idea how to do this. But admitting that I am lost, feeling broken no matter what I do, that when I am happy I am merely waiting for the time that the happiness fad...

Turning a negative to a positive... Tonight is one of those nights I had a couple of months ago. Panic, hopelessness, dread. But, thank God it is not something that is the norm now, something that is in my design. But oh how I loathe these nights, they seem to taunt me so.

Every once in a while a role picks you. In all of my time in theatre, portraying Leaf Coneybear has been one of the highlights. I miss him already and have ONE more show left. He has been therapy and the show has been a charming playground for me. I will now coin the term "What Would Leaf Do?" and honestly think the world would be a better place if we all had that same motto. So here is to you Leaf Coneybear, my favorite role to play, my dear friend, who brought back the laughter in my life, whose originality speaks to my own and who makes me feel like William Finn just gets it. I love you Leaf!

I awoke after an odd and terrifying dream. I used that dream to write some of the novel. So scary can be turned into something good if I am creative. (I am putting that in my back pocket.) I have not written the blog for a while because I have been sifting through passages of my life and did not want to report the rollercoaster days and nights, I wanted to just let them unfold as they may. The best thing about experiencing a devastating depression and crippling panic is that it has allowed me to really be honest and see myself. And there is a lot to see. A LOT. Of course, Sandi Patty has released a project that mirrors my journey now. How does she do that? The concept I really like is that sometimes when we think we are on the edge of disaster, if we change the lens of perspective, perhaps it is the edge of the divine. Take it or leave it, the idea has been a blanket for me in these times of greeting myself and walking out of this lifelong cloud of uncertainty. Much love, Dustin

Today, in the breath of me There is lightness And stillness And whimsical offerings Of today Now, in the breath of me There is newness And abundance And possibility Of now Then, in the breath of me I start the new dance Letting go Trusting the steps will appear When they will The steps of the today, the now, the then

Dear Leaf Coneybear, Thanks for letting me play you in my upcoming production of "Spelling Bee". It is my hope that I capture your innocence and love of life, your beautiful simplicity and that is speaks to a portion of my heart that is difficult to find these days, that your joy awakens my own in the magic circle of theatre and the rehearsal process. I am so glad to meet you and look forward to becoming the best of friends, Dustin

I spent the weekend working at a toy store, watching great films with friends, watching more "Powerpuff Girls" episodes than a person should in one sitting, and playing with Oz, the wonder pup. I want to live in a bed right now. This week I am working 40 hours and Monday- Sunday. Whew. Talk about a change in schedule. Hopefully it will prove advantageous. I must say - "The Powerpuff Girls" are therapeutic. I am not happy today, not really sad, not panicky, just here. I will take that. Love, Dustin