Chronicles of Dustin Ashley Beam

I have been trying to get rid of the emotions I had for the man I dated for almost four months, but tonight I realized: I don't have to let go of my feelings, I can cradle them inside for as long as I need. And the biggest epiphany was this: I loved him - it happened, it just was. I did not allow myself to admit that until tonight. I would have done anything for him... I just do not think that he was ready for what I had to offer. So, although I am not there yet, I know one day I will be grateful for this pain, grateful for the heartache that made me feel as though my soul was ripped apart, because it allowed me to know the depths I can love someone, to finally experience that place I had always imagined to be within me. I don't know what the future holds. I thought he could be "my one" and that is something I have waited for and dreamed about for so long that I did not want to see it go. To watch that dream die, that idea of what we could have been... but I never...

This blog - it is a funny little thing. Recently, I have been asking myself why I keep writing, what is the point? And do I feel it odd to share my thoughts and innermost feelings with, well, anyone that ventures onto this musing screen? Why write these musings at all, especially as of late when I have been so deep in the emotional trench of my life? The answer is simple - This blog, my musings help me articulate the moments of my days, the fears of my nights. And I for one think that the world would be a better place if we could all access our emotions and share them more readily. And in helping me, I do hope (and know because of some of the comments/emails I have received) that my words help someone else's road in a small way. Rarely do I plan a blog topic, but one occurred to me tonight on my ride home from seeing "Eclipse" (by far the best film of that franchise) and I need to think on it a bit before I write it - maybe later today or tomorrow. Let's just say t...

I am living in the new reality that it will be a long time before I feel like me again. That sucks. I never know the me I will be on any given moment. I was in the playroom with Quin and had to fight tears. I do not even really know why I was sad. It is like I am caught in some perpetual pregnancy or PMS or menopause - odd since I don't have those parts. Hee. But here I am, trying to get some things in order and trying to be a high-functioning man. Wow, the scope of what I want to do each day has changed to what I MUST do. I am in an odd, odd place of my journey indeed. I shall keep reporting what is afoot. Dustin

My schedule has flip-flopped. I have watched almost three Pixar films tonight alone. Sleep is elusive during the night right now. I love the night, I find solace and alone time. I hate the night, I feel alone and too quiet... Such a duality running around in my corner of the world right now. Just a short thought or two for you on this night turning into early morning, Dustin

Depression is such a powerful force of nature. It really is. I live hundreds of lives per day in my psyche. It is both exhausting and fascinating. I have felt very far away from myself the past few days, just really, really sad. But there are positive things to report. I have a new job at a toy store. I am making some decisions about my life. And right now I am watching "Ratatouille" and having a little Pixar marathon. I think they are geniuses. I am just living my life today, letting it take me wherever it may go. I hope that you have your own personal Pixar time or something of the like, Dustin

"I think if you focus on how you perceive things and their potential your potential you open surprise doors things may indeed seem hopeless at times but it is more likely that you haven't seen the right angle of it and noticed what might await you if you face it in a different mindset" My insightful friend Chris wrote this to me when I was frankly discussing my life. I like the idea of surprise doors and looking at the right angle of something. Everything can change based on perspective. For some time now I have lost perspective. Often, I can see the changes I need to make but then become so overwhelmed that I freeze and do not accomplish the goal. Patterns and deeply entrenched lessons are hard to change, hard to find the truth that you need to live. I dwell in my head and analyze to the point of destroying the good of a situation and circling around the scenario so much it is but an emotional blur. Honestly, at times it is exhausting to be me. I would not begin to...

Today I had more ups and downs than (insert some device, creature, adventure that has multiple ups and downs). But, I got angry... about how I have acted, how I have been treated, about the many hows of my life... and that anger fueled something in me. I felt a hint of me again. I do not know when, but there will be a day where I will be me again and proud of my actions and who I am. I do not know when, but I will be okay, I will get through this and I will be more mature, grounded, and aware and I say, "Let's begin".