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Catharsis

I have been trying to get rid of the emotions I had for the man I dated for almost four months, but tonight I realized:

I don't have to let go of my feelings, I can cradle them inside for as long as I need.

And the biggest epiphany was this:

I loved him - it happened, it just was. I did not allow myself to admit that until tonight. I would have done anything for him... I just do not think that he was ready for what I had to offer.

So, although I am not there yet, I know one day I will be grateful for this pain, grateful for the heartache that made me feel as though my soul was ripped apart, because it allowed me to know the depths I can love someone, to finally experience that place I had always imagined to be within me.

I don't know what the future holds. I thought he could be "my one" and that is something I have waited for and dreamed about for so long that I did not want to see it go.

To watch that dream die, that idea of what we could have been...

but I never have to truly sever that connection. That is what has been killing me: thinking that I must break that bond. If we ever talk, it would be when he is ready and more aware, but I am connected to him for always because once I love it is never forgotten.

And while I still might get angry at some of the ways I was treated, at how actions that could have been so easily avoided made me have to leave, I will never forget that love that I felt and will always be proud of the man that I was and am... one that loves with all his heart and soul and dared to go after someone that he thought was his dream embodied.

Good for me, I am a brave man.

The turmoil I face is a representation of my love, and when I look at it that way it makes it a bit easier.

I have been asking for a month now, did I make the right decision and have heard many perspectives... but I needed to know it for myself. But this decision was/is about ME.

It was the HARDEST decision I have ever made to date, but I know it was right... at least for now. Who is to say what could happen? I certainly am not making predictions or waiting around, but I know that I have had the answer to that question in my heart and it merely needed to take its own time to reveal itself unto me.

So, I need to trust my instincts. This is my life and I determine how I live it. I really have made some poor decisions, avoided things I should not, but I have also lived a life of adventure and of passion.

But loving someone is never a poor decision.

It just is what it is.
I must learn to trust that the answers will come when I am ready to understand and live them. Tonight, I made a big stride in doing that.

But to you, the man whom I knew for such a short time, know that I loved you.

And to myself, good for you for being nakedly honest.

Dustin

Comments

froggergirl said…
Wasn't it Shakespeare that said, "Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all..."?
I think your acceptance of what you felt and not trying to destroy the past by denying it, is ___ I can't think of the right word, b/c it's so late, or early. "Positive" is too dull a word. So many times we, as humans, feel that we must deny recognizing what we experience in relationships because the relationship didn't take the course we had hoped, or our expectations weren't met, or we were just flat out hurt, and are broken-hearted. We blame the other person, we slander them or try to defame them in conversation to cover the pain or put a little salve on the wounds.
What you are doing is noble, in the sense that you are saying, "This is what it was. This was what I've learned about myself. This may not have fulfilled my dreams and hopes. But, I'm facing the pain. And accepting my current status."
I am very proud of you. I know I will use this epiphany of yours when I comfort my kids' break-ups to come. I know that will happen. We all walk through swamps like these.
Dear friend, by sharing you allow us to walk through the swamp with you, pulling you out of quicksand, when needed, holding hands for balance, and laughing at fear together.
(I hope this makes sense.)
Loving you,
Jen
June 30, 2010 at 2:45 AM
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