Chronicles of Dustin Ashley Beam

I missed this blog so I am coming back. I now have two blogs. I am too cool for school. Dustin Ashley Beam Baylan

This blog has been a dear friend to me. I am not good at farewells, but truly this is anything but. I look at it like this - I love the phoenix, the symbolism of it all, the power of rebirth. Hence why I named my blog/musing screen after one. :-) So, I am leaving this particular blog to start another one, one that fits me NOW, the one that I can share in a new way. So this feels right. Thanks to those who have read my musings throughout the years. I hope you follow me to my new musing home entitled THE TWELVE THAT IS DUSTIN BAYLAN. Yes, I am changing the name, the story of that is on the new blog for you to read. Here is the link: http://dustinbaylan.wordpress.com/ Much love, much hope and joy again, much potential... Winks and smiles of the Cat that is Cheshire, Dustin Baylan

I miss thee, my blog, my tapestry of musings... I shall return soon to thee, with a richer smile. Until then, you are not forgotten. Winks and smiles of the cat that is Cheshire, Dash

I stumbled into blog writing. It was fun and made me feel special - sharing my thoughts and dreams and hardships was cathartic. I feel like I have learned much in the past years and have written as honestly as I knew how to articulate. The past few months have been the hardest of my life and I have shared a bit of that with you, I have spoken with a counselor, I have started taking medication, I have made some progress. But, still there are times getting out of bed seems literally impossible. Times when the panic drowns me. So, I am simplifying my life and withdrawing from school, focusing on work and paying bills (something that I have not done in some time), and looking at my physical and mental health. It is time to discover why I am preventing myself from greatness and what factors are in me that I can change. I have no idea how to do this. But admitting that I am lost, feeling broken no matter what I do, that when I am happy I am merely waiting for the time that the happiness fad...

Turning a negative to a positive... Tonight is one of those nights I had a couple of months ago. Panic, hopelessness, dread. But, thank God it is not something that is the norm now, something that is in my design. But oh how I loathe these nights, they seem to taunt me so.

Every once in a while a role picks you. In all of my time in theatre, portraying Leaf Coneybear has been one of the highlights. I miss him already and have ONE more show left. He has been therapy and the show has been a charming playground for me. I will now coin the term "What Would Leaf Do?" and honestly think the world would be a better place if we all had that same motto. So here is to you Leaf Coneybear, my favorite role to play, my dear friend, who brought back the laughter in my life, whose originality speaks to my own and who makes me feel like William Finn just gets it. I love you Leaf!

I awoke after an odd and terrifying dream. I used that dream to write some of the novel. So scary can be turned into something good if I am creative. (I am putting that in my back pocket.) I have not written the blog for a while because I have been sifting through passages of my life and did not want to report the rollercoaster days and nights, I wanted to just let them unfold as they may. The best thing about experiencing a devastating depression and crippling panic is that it has allowed me to really be honest and see myself. And there is a lot to see. A LOT. Of course, Sandi Patty has released a project that mirrors my journey now. How does she do that? The concept I really like is that sometimes when we think we are on the edge of disaster, if we change the lens of perspective, perhaps it is the edge of the divine. Take it or leave it, the idea has been a blanket for me in these times of greeting myself and walking out of this lifelong cloud of uncertainty. Much love, Dustin