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The Duality that is Me


Tonight I attended "If You Sing It, They Will Come", a young artist presentation at the Arkansas Rep. It was my first time to step foot into the building ever since I concluded "Les Mis". I expected to see the show and congratulate the few friends I know in the cast and head home.

Instead, I was greeted with some other former castmates of "The Miz" and was hugged and loved. The crew (which are mostly year long interns and some full time staff) poured out of the backstage to say hello and tell me they missed me. The outpouring of "I miss you" and "You made my night" were in a word... overwhelming.

To Julia Nightingale, Becky, Elise, Jamie, Jesus, Duvall, Kelsie, Conly, Charlie, Gracie, Nicole, and my adorable Sam: Thanks for making me feel alive again. :-)

I have found that I tend to have a positive impact on people. In public I tend to be upbeat and ADORE telling stories, laughing, and meeting new folks. (Yes, I proudly said folks and it shall stand. "Folks" shows my Southern gentleman side, "shall" shows that I am intelligent and that my writing hearkens back to the days of yore... yore is a time in which I would have done well...)

However, I did not expect the adoration that was so generously heaped upon me tonight.

As previously reported, the past few weeks have been ones of pensiveness, change, resting, and being "Hermit Dustin" (not to be confused with Kermit Dustin who only comes out to play on special occasions... like Thursdays).

I am two distinctly different human beings. I possess duality.

Most people see the extroverted, talkative, joyous, eat- the- good- stuff -of- life me, but there is another human altogether that appears every so often and when he does he proudly and, sometimes defiantly, takes up residence in my heart.

This part of me is natural... everyone has lows, depression, quiet moments. I am no different. But, it is this part of me, this darkness, that I fight against. There is an acting concept that a teacher presented to me called "playing the opposite". In scene work, if one were portraying a person who is drunk, the inclination is to play drunk. One should do what one does in real life which is act as though you are not drunk and have no problem talking -- in fact, you play that opposite fervently.

I think that principle (as are various other acting devices) is applicable in real life. I have written about this before, but it is a prevalent theme in my journeys and I try to write these blogs from an open, real, and straightforward region in my psyche. I used to wear the mask often. I played what I thought would garner favour, attention, and love (or what I deemed love to be at that time). For many years I was confused, exhausted, and lonely.

Now, I am much more genuine and better equipped with the knowledge of who I am. I am still a work in progress and have come to believe that there is always something that is happening and that you never really receive complete emotional closure... when one thing is recalled (I like that concept more that lessons learned because I feel as though we already know these lessons, but merely forget them along the way) another concept whirls into your proverbial lap. I tend to not analyze as much (although I am an analysis man) and just be. It felt good to breathe deeply for the first time several years ago (I do not recall the specific instance) and say "Fuck what others think. Stop trying to please. Just be who you are in this moment and be serene." (That word, "serene" is onomatopoeic... so evocative.)

That still tickles me because it was a long time coming and because I get giggly when I talk to myself because, frankly, I really like my one-on-one convos, they are quite something if I do say so myself... and I did... to...uhh, myself. :-)

What is intriguing about this duality, this yin and yang of me is that they are two distinctly separate human beings but one acknowledges the other and they bow and dance letting the other one lead in his time. I am never apart from the other side, it is just its nap time. I used to be fearful of the darker (and when I say darker I don't always mean depressed, sometimes it is depression, but often it is restful, calm, recharging energy that is paramount to emotional health) portions. I thought that I had a depression problem (and goodness knows there were times I did) but at the truth of the matter, I feel things deeply. I know most artists do... this need to connect, to share, to absorb, to facilitate, to assimilate, to better, to heal... my interaction with the world around me and the constant awareness of what I am contributing is both one of my most defining traits/gifts and one of my Achille's heels. Life has a sense of humour, huh? That is true of most: your greatest can be your downfall.

I have started to embrace my darker portion and realize that he is a part of me too and when he appears perhaps I should just spiritually hug him, not look at him in horror and apathy.

If there are goals for my musings they are twofold:
1. For this to be a vessel in which I can share my truth.
2. To inspire others to be honest and know that no one is ever alone, we all feel connected to purpose and adrift in despair and all the grey therein. It is my hope that my stories help those who need a laugh, a moment of oddity, or the truth of my ongoing chapters.

Tonight brought the changing of the dance partners. Dark was bowing to light to let it lead for a while and to allow the darkness to subside and slumber in its chamber of respite.

Tonight, I cradle the two of me, my duality, my yin, my yang and sing a heartfelt lullaby:

"You are always loved, you are my joy, my sorrow, my rise and fall. You are my artistry and my humility, my periwinkle and crimson, my truthful companions. I am better for the two of you who make the one of me."

In the grace of duality,
Dustin

As a footnote, I have included some information I found about yin and yang. I found it captivating and purposeful.

"In Chinese philosophy, the concept of yin yang often referred to in the west as yin and yang is used to describe how seemingly opposing forces are bound together, intertwined, and interdependent in the natural world, giving rise to each other in turn. The relationship between yin and yang is often described in terms of sunlight playing over a mountain and in the valley. Yin (literally the 'shady place' or 'north slope') is the dark area occluded by the mountain's bulk, while yang (literally the 'sunny place' or 'south slope') is the brightly lit portion. As the sun moves across the sky, yin and yang gradually trade places with each other, revealing what was obscured and obscuring what was revealed. Yin is usually characterized as slow, soft, insubstantial, diffuse, cold, wet, and tranquil. It is generally associated with the feminine, birth and generation, and with the night. Yang, by contrast, is characterized as hard, fast, solid, dry, focused, hot, and aggressive. It is associated with masculinity and daytime...

Since yin and yang are created together in a single movement, they are bound together as parts of a mutual whole...The interaction of the two gives birth to things... Yin always contains the potential for yang, and yang for yin."

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