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This Man I Certainly Am




I am a man who has lived with a lot of fear in my life: fear of not being liked because I was a "skinny", gay nerd, fear of not being as competent a musician as I wanted, fear of not ever finding a group that understood me, fear of moving to Dallas for love, fear that I did not live life the "right" way and that I was so different that my life would not amount to what I felt my potential could be, fear of the whole New York scenario, fear that I would never figure out what career path to take, fear that if I left the acting career road I would have to lead a passionless existence, fear that after a slew of disappointing attempts at a real romantic connection I would be emotional melba toast when the right one entered my life, fear of consistency and normalcy, fear of exiting (even if temporarily) the beautiful landscape that is my daydreams and the eccentric painting of what my life could be to enter the world of the real, the palpable, and making my life more of a reality instead of a thought or far off goal.

I just walked around my house role-playing different scenarios (not in a "Dungeons and Dragons" way, just a talk out loud way) and crying, letting the fear fall from my tears.

I have these moments where life overwhelms me, where the fear rises up in me so passionately and with a vigor that is heavy, ominous, and of another plane of existence... a force with which to be reckoned.

I do not know when and where I became such a fearful man, seeing where the paths could go awry, all the potential pitfalls, but this man I certainly am.

I have been told before that I am fearless and I guess that just goes to show you that even for someone as external and open as I am, no one can know the FULL depths of you, unless you share that with them. Even then, there are private places, darker places where we do not want the light shown.

I think that somewhere along my way, I decided I wanted to shine the light on these places and discuss them, for in doing that it makes me feel less afraid and alone.

And I have learned that the fearful moments call you to a new place, a new creation, and breaking the paradigms is a messy process, akin to birth. There is pain but it gives way to the new.

So, today I am mulling over a lot of fears, a lot of the new in my life, and dealing with it openly and honestly, letting my tears heal and dance in the dance of this man I certainly am.

Love. Live a life where fear does not lead your way, but where you lead the fear where you want it. We are all powerful beyond measure,
Dustin

Comments

Sharon Downs said…
I'm reading this now after having heard Steve Hancock's wonderful ashtray story in the service this morning, and it has even more meaning for me now. I hope that story spoke to you as well.
March 7, 2010 at 2:17 PM
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