Skip to main content

This Man I Certainly Am




I am a man who has lived with a lot of fear in my life: fear of not being liked because I was a "skinny", gay nerd, fear of not being as competent a musician as I wanted, fear of not ever finding a group that understood me, fear of moving to Dallas for love, fear that I did not live life the "right" way and that I was so different that my life would not amount to what I felt my potential could be, fear of the whole New York scenario, fear that I would never figure out what career path to take, fear that if I left the acting career road I would have to lead a passionless existence, fear that after a slew of disappointing attempts at a real romantic connection I would be emotional melba toast when the right one entered my life, fear of consistency and normalcy, fear of exiting (even if temporarily) the beautiful landscape that is my daydreams and the eccentric painting of what my life could be to enter the world of the real, the palpable, and making my life more of a reality instead of a thought or far off goal.

I just walked around my house role-playing different scenarios (not in a "Dungeons and Dragons" way, just a talk out loud way) and crying, letting the fear fall from my tears.

I have these moments where life overwhelms me, where the fear rises up in me so passionately and with a vigor that is heavy, ominous, and of another plane of existence... a force with which to be reckoned.

I do not know when and where I became such a fearful man, seeing where the paths could go awry, all the potential pitfalls, but this man I certainly am.

I have been told before that I am fearless and I guess that just goes to show you that even for someone as external and open as I am, no one can know the FULL depths of you, unless you share that with them. Even then, there are private places, darker places where we do not want the light shown.

I think that somewhere along my way, I decided I wanted to shine the light on these places and discuss them, for in doing that it makes me feel less afraid and alone.

And I have learned that the fearful moments call you to a new place, a new creation, and breaking the paradigms is a messy process, akin to birth. There is pain but it gives way to the new.

So, today I am mulling over a lot of fears, a lot of the new in my life, and dealing with it openly and honestly, letting my tears heal and dance in the dance of this man I certainly am.

Love. Live a life where fear does not lead your way, but where you lead the fear where you want it. We are all powerful beyond measure,
Dustin

Comments

Sharon Downs said…
I'm reading this now after having heard Steve Hancock's wonderful ashtray story in the service this morning, and it has even more meaning for me now. I hope that story spoke to you as well.

Popular posts from this blog

I Love the Clarks

I LOVE THE CLARKS!!!!!!!!!!!! (I used twelve exclamation marks/points to show the significance of the love and because twelve is my cosmic number.) It is that simple. Jay and Karen (and the illustrious Quin) allowed me to move into their lovely home under the proviso I would be out in a few days. Well that was October 18th and, look at your calendar folks, I am still here. I think that finally the light has bounced off of a nimbus cloud that I have not seen before and I might have a dwelling. But... I LOVE these two people. They just get me and leave me to my own devices. In this time where I have sequestered myself off into my own little respite lair, they have let me "do my own thing". And they are such lovely, talented, decent people. It has been my honour to get to know them more and their ultimate collaboration, THE Quin. He is the COOLEST child ever. I adore the boy. Tonight Jay, Karen, and I played a card game called Nerts. I am addicted and I saw new shades ...

Holiday Homage Part Six: THE Sam

This summer whilst doing "Sweeney", I met Sam Pettit. I was focused on bringing Anthony to life, so throughout the show and backstage I was serious, quiet, reflective.  This guy brought life to the backstage.  He is JOY.  There was a performance in which he could not "attend the tale" and the show was different, lacking somehow. He is a high school senior and has the lovable qualities of youth: exuberance, unparalleled energy, a need to learn, and... He is pleasantly himself. He has a real sense of who he is and that is a rarity in someone so young. He dares to be different, but in an organic way, not to rebel and for that I respect him.  He is more aware than some I know twice his age.   We have kept in touch throughout the months.  When I am pensive or dwelling in the darkness, he is a light of hilarity.   I do not know where Sam's course will lead him, but I am profoundly grateful that it lead him to me this summer. He is such a raw talent with the ability to...

The Kick Ass Brothers (And the Theatre Room I Am Going to Steal)

I just spent the day with my brothers, Bran Flakes and Patricio watching "Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood", "Sin City", and "Live Free or Die Hard" in Bran Flake's KICK ASS KICK ASS KICK ASS Theatre Room. (It deserves all three kick asses and then some actually.) It was a Testosterone Day and I made it all the way through. Can we say the same for Patricio? (Titty baby. Ha.) I think that was the first blog smack talk I have "thrown down". I had never seen "Sin City" or "Live Free or Die Hard". Both were excellent. I did not want to leave the nirvana that is the magic room of cinema wonder. So, thanks to Bran Flakes for hosting and for having the idea. And Patrick, let me know how that nipple is treating you. Here's to smack talk... How liberating! (Especially when I am in control of the forum!) Here's to a kick ass theatre room. And to even more kick ass brothers, Dustin