Skip to main content

This Man I Certainly Am




I am a man who has lived with a lot of fear in my life: fear of not being liked because I was a "skinny", gay nerd, fear of not being as competent a musician as I wanted, fear of not ever finding a group that understood me, fear of moving to Dallas for love, fear that I did not live life the "right" way and that I was so different that my life would not amount to what I felt my potential could be, fear of the whole New York scenario, fear that I would never figure out what career path to take, fear that if I left the acting career road I would have to lead a passionless existence, fear that after a slew of disappointing attempts at a real romantic connection I would be emotional melba toast when the right one entered my life, fear of consistency and normalcy, fear of exiting (even if temporarily) the beautiful landscape that is my daydreams and the eccentric painting of what my life could be to enter the world of the real, the palpable, and making my life more of a reality instead of a thought or far off goal.

I just walked around my house role-playing different scenarios (not in a "Dungeons and Dragons" way, just a talk out loud way) and crying, letting the fear fall from my tears.

I have these moments where life overwhelms me, where the fear rises up in me so passionately and with a vigor that is heavy, ominous, and of another plane of existence... a force with which to be reckoned.

I do not know when and where I became such a fearful man, seeing where the paths could go awry, all the potential pitfalls, but this man I certainly am.

I have been told before that I am fearless and I guess that just goes to show you that even for someone as external and open as I am, no one can know the FULL depths of you, unless you share that with them. Even then, there are private places, darker places where we do not want the light shown.

I think that somewhere along my way, I decided I wanted to shine the light on these places and discuss them, for in doing that it makes me feel less afraid and alone.

And I have learned that the fearful moments call you to a new place, a new creation, and breaking the paradigms is a messy process, akin to birth. There is pain but it gives way to the new.

So, today I am mulling over a lot of fears, a lot of the new in my life, and dealing with it openly and honestly, letting my tears heal and dance in the dance of this man I certainly am.

Love. Live a life where fear does not lead your way, but where you lead the fear where you want it. We are all powerful beyond measure,
Dustin

Comments

Sharon Downs said…
I'm reading this now after having heard Steve Hancock's wonderful ashtray story in the service this morning, and it has even more meaning for me now. I hope that story spoke to you as well.
March 7, 2010 at 2:17 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Leprechaun Loving Lush

Tonight I got snockered with some bombastic leprechauns, dabbled in the cuisine of Acadia, conversed with some drunk oddities, called and text people in quite a state of lowered inhibitions/let's talk about life and giggle, and discussed trivial matters (Is "Sweeney Todd" actually a good film, why do I like "Twilight", etc.) as if life depended on how I articulated my stance in these matters. What an odd, fun, new, out-of-the-comfort zone night for me. Gloriously uncomfortable and disgusting decadent. YAY. Every day I seem to be doing something I have never done before: from the tiny to the grand. It is an experiment and I am loving and loathing it, and all the intoxicating in-betweens. (Yes, not-so-clever pun intended.) I hope that everyone had a wonderful St. Patty's day! (oh my, that is like Sandi Patty, but not at all...) Love, The DABalicious Leprechaun Loving Lush
1 comment
Read more

And With This, Farewell

This blog has been a dear friend to me. I am not good at farewells, but truly this is anything but. I look at it like this - I love the phoenix, the symbolism of it all, the power of rebirth. Hence why I named my blog/musing screen after one. :-) So, I am leaving this particular blog to start another one, one that fits me NOW, the one that I can share in a new way. So this feels right. Thanks to those who have read my musings throughout the years. I hope you follow me to my new musing home entitled THE TWELVE THAT IS DUSTIN BAYLAN. Yes, I am changing the name, the story of that is on the new blog for you to read. Here is the link: http://dustinbaylan.wordpress.com/ Much love, much hope and joy again, much potential... Winks and smiles of the Cat that is Cheshire, Dustin Baylan
Post a Comment
Read more

Much Needed Silence

The past few days I have liked the darkness, the silence of my room. I have not come out much and have watched "Sleepless in Seattle" over and over and over and over. I started wondering why I want to be alone (I am not depressed at all) and started doing the roommate math. I have lived with 41 different people in my life. I have lived in 21 different living environments not including all the different times I moved around with my family as a kid. I have hit a wall where I just want ME time and a lot of it, no talking, no sharing, just alone time. In this much needed silence I find that I am a much simpler person than I once was, that I really love the quiet, and that it is time to live alone soon. I have done the roomie thing more than anyone I know and met some wonderful people, but I am overloaded with that experience. So, back to "Sleepless in Seattle" and my much needed silence. Dustin
Post a Comment
Read more