Friday, May 21, 2010
The Pieces of Me
If I am being completely and nakedly honest, I have not consistently felt happy and like me for years... the last time I really felt okay (I think) was when I was in NYC.
I have written, I have tried, I have worked, I have let people down, I have cried, I have condemned, I have searched and searched and searched.
Something broke me last week. It filled with me the aching hopelessness that is a vacuum to the spirit, is toxic, and devastating.
I will not go into those stories for they are far too numerous to recount and I have only begun to really process and see what needs to happen next to get me healthy and happy.
For years now I have felt guilty for feeling lost, depressed, adrift, fearful... I mean there are wonderful things I have happening in my life, great friends, talents abundant, just so much good. Yet often I feel detached from that. Certainly not all the time, but sometimes to often is a fair estimation.
I can see patterns from this blog (so helpful it has been) of being sad and then coming back with a fervor of changing myself yet still ending up in the same place.
Like a vicious and unending circle.
So I am not going to write that I am okay and that I am joyous and have a concrete plan of action.
What I will write is that for the first time I am really looking at myself and seeking help. I need an objective second party to help me mend the brokenness of me.
And in the past few days I have made strides in directions that I know to be right. Once again, I have made a career change, but this time I am sure that it is something that is me, something that is true.
And just seeing the broken pieces of me, like a shattered stained glass window and saying, "Well I thought I was going to be this picture with the pieces like this, but now I see that is not going to happen" lifts the burden a bit.
And that is okay.
But I am picking up the pieces for the first time and starting to look at who I can be, looking for help, being honest, setting realistic goals, looking at my past and how it colours me, but not letting it suffocate me.
Will I still over-analyze, obsess, take steps back? Yes, of course. And that is okay too. But I have really decided I want to walk a new path, I want to rebuild the window of me.
So since I have decided that, those pieces have started to look less like broken pieces and more like pieces of me, the pieces of a future and of opportunity, and of real hope.
I felt lead to share this.