Skip to main content

The Pieces of Me


If I am being completely and nakedly honest, I have not consistently felt happy and like me for years... the last time I really felt okay (I think) was when I was in NYC.

I have written, I have tried, I have worked, I have let people down, I have cried, I have condemned, I have searched and searched and searched.

Something broke me last week. It filled with me the aching hopelessness that is a vacuum to the spirit, is toxic, and devastating.

I will not go into those stories for they are far too numerous to recount and I have only begun to really process and see what needs to happen next to get me healthy and happy.

For years now I have felt guilty for feeling lost, depressed, adrift, fearful... I mean there are wonderful things I have happening in my life, great friends, talents abundant, just so much good. Yet often I feel detached from that. Certainly not all the time, but sometimes to often is a fair estimation.

I can see patterns from this blog (so helpful it has been) of being sad and then coming back with a fervor of changing myself yet still ending up in the same place.

Like a vicious and unending circle.

So I am not going to write that I am okay and that I am joyous and have a concrete plan of action.

What I will write is that for the first time I am really looking at myself and seeking help. I need an objective second party to help me mend the brokenness of me.

And in the past few days I have made strides in directions that I know to be right. Once again, I have made a career change, but this time I am sure that it is something that is me, something that is true.

That helps.

And just seeing the broken pieces of me, like a shattered stained glass window and saying, "Well I thought I was going to be this picture with the pieces like this, but now I see that is not going to happen" lifts the burden a bit.

And that is okay.

But I am picking up the pieces for the first time and starting to look at who I can be, looking for help, being honest, setting realistic goals, looking at my past and how it colours me, but not letting it suffocate me.

Will I still over-analyze, obsess, take steps back? Yes, of course. And that is okay too. But I have really decided I want to walk a new path, I want to rebuild the window of me.

So since I have decided that, those pieces have started to look less like broken pieces and more like pieces of me, the pieces of a future and of opportunity, and of real hope.

I felt lead to share this.

Always,
Dustin

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Loving the Squiggly

I was typing the other day and instead of hitting the ! key I hit the ~ key. Two odd altercations happened between two friends and me via facebook so I have deactivated my account for a bit. It was hurtful and unexpected. So when I hit the ~ key it made me smile and forget all that nonsense. ~ ~~~~~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~ ~~~~ ~~~~~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dustin
Post a Comment
Read more

And With This, Farewell

This blog has been a dear friend to me. I am not good at farewells, but truly this is anything but. I look at it like this - I love the phoenix, the symbolism of it all, the power of rebirth. Hence why I named my blog/musing screen after one. :-) So, I am leaving this particular blog to start another one, one that fits me NOW, the one that I can share in a new way. So this feels right. Thanks to those who have read my musings throughout the years. I hope you follow me to my new musing home entitled THE TWELVE THAT IS DUSTIN BAYLAN. Yes, I am changing the name, the story of that is on the new blog for you to read. Here is the link: http://dustinbaylan.wordpress.com/ Much love, much hope and joy again, much potential... Winks and smiles of the Cat that is Cheshire, Dustin Baylan
Post a Comment
Read more

Call to Action

This past Saturday I, with thousands of others across the country, attended a protest/rally of Proposition 8 and Act I (the adoption ban in Arkansas). My dear allies in this battle were Jay, Karen, their joyous son Quin, our mutual friend Greg, Amanda, Carter, Sarah Jane, Liz, and the brave Arkansans that showed up for the rally on the steps of our Capitol. It was bitterly cold and grey, but within I was ignited with passion and newfound purpose. As I listened to the stories of my fellow brothers and sisters, gay, straight, bisexual, transgendered, I was struck by the power of the many speaking as one. Then I began to visit my own story and was struck at how far I have come... to think back fourteen years ago when I had my brother tell my parents that I happened to be gay because I was so frightened as to what they would think, say, how they could ever love me, this abomination.... To now, a man standing with his friends and proclaiming "This is our right, What you have done is ...
3 comments
Read more