I am not sure how to begin other than to write that the past week has been all over the emotional spectrum. No, nothing horrible or amazing transpired. I just...
STOPPED.
Late last weekend and early this week, I was not in the best of sorts. I try to not use this tool as a venting mechanism for something about that seems "wrong" to me. (I rarely use that word, but since it is referring to myself I think I shall and find it applicable.)
I merely share this because something changed, something halted, something arose.
I am making some dramatic changes in my life and how I live it, how I occupy my time, and how I sort my priorities. It is not as if I have performed some heinous act, but I have vacillated between empowerment and depression for far too long.
It is funny... I was talking with a dear friend of mine about this blog and how writing it has helped and given back to me, a feeling that I cannot explain to others, it just is an entity all its own that I feel as though has such a calming and charming energy. (Aside: I know that I am the author of these entries. I am not talking the crazy dialogue.)
It has been a constant. That is a beautiful and treasured component in my world.
I needed some "vanishing" time the past few months, but one must attain a sense of balance, exploring the grey, and I think that I came to the black and white of situations.
It is time for more consistency, more accountability, and for new challenges, new modes of thought, and above all...
HOPE.
Such a powerful word.
In writing this, I realize that one can garner from this that I have been living in some hopeless vacuum of darkness and nothing could be further from the truth. In the past few months, I have learned that loving a child can redefine you. Quin levels me in a second. I have learned how to be content with the simplest of things, I have certainly plunged myself into the DVD cosmos of Friends, The West Wing, Battlestar Galactica, Powerpuff Girls, Batman, etc. and played around in those worlds that I treasure. Suffice it to say, the past few months have been far from burdened... levity, frivolity, and joy have graced my dance card.
This week I began rehearsal for a show in which I play a lovable cowboy named Billy Bob Johnson. I will be performing in "The Barber of Cactus canyon" for four months, my longest gig to date. I am using Woody from "Toy Story" as inspiration for the character. He is a delicious, quirky, and charming role and he gets the girl. How great is that?!
It is refreshing to be in a musical in which no character dies. Also of note is the fact that I am afforded the opportunity to play broad comedy and just have fun. "Sweeney", "Godspell", and "Les Mis" certainly facilitated great metamorphosis in my process as an actor and provided experiences I shall always cherish. "Cactus Canyon" is merely a return to the familiar, the slapstick, the children's theatre of it all...
And I am eating it up!
I finally secured a place to live and am E-L-A-T-E-D!!!! I will be living with the ever cool James (whom I refer to as a Cullen. If you met him/if you already know him, you would/you do understand the allusion) and a man I hardly know but look forward to knowing his story. The house is lovely and in Hillcrest and it feels damn good to know that I will finally have a place that is mine and a room to call my own.
I see some reoccurring themes in my life of being in the dredges and then waking from the emotional coma and deciding that I will change things. In many regards there has been follow through, but in some circumstances there has been disastrously little of it.
I do not promise that everything I set out to do will happen, but I believe the personal and internal acknowledgement of these detriments, these inadequacies, these lessons to sort out, these experiences to claim leads me to movement, to change, to growth.
Also, this time some of the demons that have plagued me have lost their power and, I dare say, their allure. I think that, as much as I do not like to admit it, there have been times I have enjoyed being in a lull, lounging in the darkness of me. Again, there are times for it, but I have overstayed my welcome in some arenas and it is time to move on....
I think that I have made some headway the past few days and plan to keep digging, keep really looking at who I am, and enjoying the process again.
Somewhere along the way, I lost some hope. I do not know when it happened, but happen it did. It is time to find it once more and create some new hope.
I have had a few beautiful days filled with cowboy hats, tight jeans that certainly show my gender (Wow, let me tell you... Billy Bob is certainly a boyee), peace of relocation, and reclaimed personal accountability.
I am bathing in these beginnings and feeling the necessary, sometimes resplendent, sometimes painful journey of putting the pieces (all of them this time, not just the easy ones) back together again.
Tonight I am happy. Tonight I am growing up. I shall keep you posted on the inevitable highs, lows, and all the in-betweens.
Much love to you tonight and always,
Dustin
Comments