Saturday, January 10, 2009
I Want to Be Seen
I am happy for my Mom and my best friend who have found love.
I am content with who I am.
After years, it is a miracle that I love myself with all my shortcomings, beauty, and possibility.
Over the past few days I have never felt more single, alone, and left out of the coupling process.
I know there are far worse things and I will NOT settle or shun my value system.
But, there are times I lose my breath feeling so alone, that I seem to do all this by myself...
I have devoted these writings to positive aspects and growth and I know that, in the grand spectrum of it all, I have it easy. Therefore it is hard for me to write these thoughts, but if I do not they shall lurk about and fester.
I have heard the lovely comments from friends and family... that I am different and that it will take a special guy, but I am 30. I am not saying I am old (I think the opposite and view age as merely a number) but I feel left behind, that others are getting to experience a date, a kiss, cuddling, and even (Yes, wait for it) sex/making love.
I devote my writings to truth, wherever that elusive and nebulous entity is dwelling, I write it, I blog it, I sing it, I dance it, I share it... and I have to say:
I want to be seen by someone, really seen. A quote from the film "Practical Magic" sums it up perfectly:
Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there's a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man... Only that moon.
I am grateful for all that I have been so graciously given, but I yearn for interaction that levels me and makes me live the lyrics I have been writing, that makes me feel that, just once, I am in the circle of love, of abandonment, of newness, of flirtation, of a wonder I have never known.
Conveying my vulnerability this night of pensive longing,