Saturday, January 10, 2009

I Want to Be Seen




I am happy for my Mom and my best friend who have found love.
I am content with who I am.
After years, it is a miracle that I love myself with all my shortcomings, beauty, and possibility.

Still...

Over the past few days I have never felt more single, alone, and left out of the coupling process.

I know there are far worse things and I will NOT settle or shun my value system.

But, there are times I lose my breath feeling so alone, that I seem to do all this by myself...
I have devoted these writings to positive aspects and growth and I know that, in the grand spectrum of it all, I have it easy. Therefore it is hard for me to write these thoughts, but if I do not they shall lurk about and fester.

So...

I have heard the lovely comments from friends and family... that I am different and that it will take a special guy, but I am 30. I am not saying I am old (I think the opposite and view age as merely a number) but I feel left behind, that others are getting to experience a date, a kiss, cuddling, and even (Yes, wait for it) sex/making love.

I devote my writings to truth, wherever that elusive and nebulous entity is dwelling, I write it, I blog it, I sing it, I dance it, I share it... and I have to say:

I want to be seen by someone, really seen. A quote from the film "Practical Magic" sums it up perfectly:

Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there's a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man... Only that moon.

I am grateful for all that I have been so graciously given, but I yearn for interaction that levels me and makes me live the lyrics I have been writing, that makes me feel that, just once, I am in the circle of love, of abandonment, of newness, of flirtation, of a wonder I have never known.

Conveying my vulnerability this night of pensive longing,
Dustin

3 comments:

fraktol said...

Some of us view you as lucky. Your time in Dallas is something I will probably never have.

On another different, but pertinent note, check out this link, I think you'll like it, if you haven't seen it already.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNxzFPTA1y4

Sincerely, Matthew

Erin said...

I love you Dustin! ::hugs::

Anonymous said...

For the love of Sandi, take this with a grain of salt…
I know-- first hand, that you have experienced love and… dare I say, sex. You’re at a point in your life, as am I, where you are feeling just a little un-loved. Just because you haven’t found that perfect person, (forbid there is such a thing…. How boring!) there’s no need for despair! And as for your writings, I think you devote a majority of your writing--not to truth, but to an ideal truth that you would like to adhere to. I say this not to be mean, but as a friend. Knowing you since 1991, I have seen patterns in your life that seemingly don’t go away.
I know…. Its hard to find someone who shares the same interests as you do, and that you can also connect with. That is what your looking for, right? I mean, someone who loves the theatre and song as much as you do? Someone who would be able to connect on a level that’s far above the physical / sexual level? Well, let me tell you, from my experience… it’s a “hit and miss” situation. The last meaningful relationship I had was 100% accidental! He was a guy that was a “friend of a friend,” and we got involved in a conversation that lasted about two months! My advice to you…? Get yourself out there. If you meet someone you like, let them know… you never know! You’re going to go through 99 “Duds” before you meet that perfect “Mystery Date!” Think about it, 1 out of 99 ain’t bad! Keep the faith, brother. -Signed, Eric Lee- with lot’s o’ love… and the best of intentions!