Chronicles of Dustin Ashley Beam

This blog has been a dear friend to me. I am not good at farewells, but truly this is anything but. I look at it like this - I love the phoenix, the symbolism of it all, the power of rebirth. Hence why I named my blog/musing screen after one. :-) So, I am leaving this particular blog to start another one, one that fits me NOW, the one that I can share in a new way. So this feels right. Thanks to those who have read my musings throughout the years. I hope you follow me to my new musing home entitled THE TWELVE THAT IS DUSTIN BAYLAN. Yes, I am changing the name, the story of that is on the new blog for you to read. Here is the link: http://dustinbaylan.wordpress.com/ Much love, much hope and joy again, much potential... Winks and smiles of the Cat that is Cheshire, Dustin Baylan

I miss thee, my blog, my tapestry of musings... I shall return soon to thee, with a richer smile. Until then, you are not forgotten. Winks and smiles of the cat that is Cheshire, Dash

I stumbled into blog writing. It was fun and made me feel special - sharing my thoughts and dreams and hardships was cathartic. I feel like I have learned much in the past years and have written as honestly as I knew how to articulate. The past few months have been the hardest of my life and I have shared a bit of that with you, I have spoken with a counselor, I have started taking medication, I have made some progress. But, still there are times getting out of bed seems literally impossible. Times when the panic drowns me. So, I am simplifying my life and withdrawing from school, focusing on work and paying bills (something that I have not done in some time), and looking at my physical and mental health. It is time to discover why I am preventing myself from greatness and what factors are in me that I can change. I have no idea how to do this. But admitting that I am lost, feeling broken no matter what I do, that when I am happy I am merely waiting for the time that the happiness fad...

Turning a negative to a positive... Tonight is one of those nights I had a couple of months ago. Panic, hopelessness, dread. But, thank God it is not something that is the norm now, something that is in my design. But oh how I loathe these nights, they seem to taunt me so.

Every once in a while a role picks you. In all of my time in theatre, portraying Leaf Coneybear has been one of the highlights. I miss him already and have ONE more show left. He has been therapy and the show has been a charming playground for me. I will now coin the term "What Would Leaf Do?" and honestly think the world would be a better place if we all had that same motto. So here is to you Leaf Coneybear, my favorite role to play, my dear friend, who brought back the laughter in my life, whose originality speaks to my own and who makes me feel like William Finn just gets it. I love you Leaf!

I awoke after an odd and terrifying dream. I used that dream to write some of the novel. So scary can be turned into something good if I am creative. (I am putting that in my back pocket.) I have not written the blog for a while because I have been sifting through passages of my life and did not want to report the rollercoaster days and nights, I wanted to just let them unfold as they may. The best thing about experiencing a devastating depression and crippling panic is that it has allowed me to really be honest and see myself. And there is a lot to see. A LOT. Of course, Sandi Patty has released a project that mirrors my journey now. How does she do that? The concept I really like is that sometimes when we think we are on the edge of disaster, if we change the lens of perspective, perhaps it is the edge of the divine. Take it or leave it, the idea has been a blanket for me in these times of greeting myself and walking out of this lifelong cloud of uncertainty. Much love, Dustin

Today, in the breath of me There is lightness And stillness And whimsical offerings Of today Now, in the breath of me There is newness And abundance And possibility Of now Then, in the breath of me I start the new dance Letting go Trusting the steps will appear When they will The steps of the today, the now, the then

Dear Leaf Coneybear, Thanks for letting me play you in my upcoming production of "Spelling Bee". It is my hope that I capture your innocence and love of life, your beautiful simplicity and that is speaks to a portion of my heart that is difficult to find these days, that your joy awakens my own in the magic circle of theatre and the rehearsal process. I am so glad to meet you and look forward to becoming the best of friends, Dustin

I spent the weekend working at a toy store, watching great films with friends, watching more "Powerpuff Girls" episodes than a person should in one sitting, and playing with Oz, the wonder pup. I want to live in a bed right now. This week I am working 40 hours and Monday- Sunday. Whew. Talk about a change in schedule. Hopefully it will prove advantageous. I must say - "The Powerpuff Girls" are therapeutic. I am not happy today, not really sad, not panicky, just here. I will take that. Love, Dustin

There once was a man who was lost Instead of Spring within there was frost For the Toy Express he was bound And it was there inside that he found The glint of new life and of peace The hope that drowning darkness would cease All on this simple Toy Express And in the distance he saw the Land of Success

My friend Patti asked me if I was doing okay. She was confused by my blog. One entry was upbeat and the next sad. I understand her confusion. What I am trying to do is report how I am in the moment... and right now that is a glorious mess. I had four really wonderful days where I was energetic and I danced about and was soaking in the joy. The past few days it has been me stuck in a bed again and sad, adrift. It is not nearly as bad as it was a month ago, but still so far from where I want to be. I work at the toy store in a few hours. That is my focus now. I am going to move out for a few months and weigh my options and attempt to finally make a home somewhere. Whew. Tonight I write from Regi and Jer's place. Oz is barking in his crate. I listen to Gavin Creel and just hope for a nice sleep. And to awake in a better place than I have found myself these past few days. But if not, I will take one step and then another. Oh depression, my how powerful. Dustin

Today was one of the best birthdays I have ever experienced. I love my friends and family. I love my presents. I love laser tag. I love board games. I love being a kid at heart. Today was an UP day. So far, 32 is looking damn good. Dustin

Today I have been happy all day. Very little panic. A real glimpse of me. I am a bit tipsy and at a party. What am I doing? Watching youtube clips of Sandi Patty. I am a different gay indeed. I get "liquored up" and watch performances of a Christian singer. I am indeed a wild man. Thank you to God, the world, for a FULL day where my heart was fully present, aware, beating with purpose. Such ups and downs have I endured for so long, it is nice to not feel as though I was on a rickety rollercoaster. Wow.

I do not know how long it will last, but right now (yes it is way too late/early to be awake) I am HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel wonderful. I am just playing with the bubbles of joy in the bathtub of my great night. To commemorate this, I am posting a picture with this blog. It is time to do that again. No matter what, I had this night and know that it CAN happen. I needed to feel and know that.

I have been trying to get rid of the emotions I had for the man I dated for almost four months, but tonight I realized: I don't have to let go of my feelings, I can cradle them inside for as long as I need. And the biggest epiphany was this: I loved him - it happened, it just was. I did not allow myself to admit that until tonight. I would have done anything for him... I just do not think that he was ready for what I had to offer. So, although I am not there yet, I know one day I will be grateful for this pain, grateful for the heartache that made me feel as though my soul was ripped apart, because it allowed me to know the depths I can love someone, to finally experience that place I had always imagined to be within me. I don't know what the future holds. I thought he could be "my one" and that is something I have waited for and dreamed about for so long that I did not want to see it go. To watch that dream die, that idea of what we could have been... but I never...

This blog - it is a funny little thing. Recently, I have been asking myself why I keep writing, what is the point? And do I feel it odd to share my thoughts and innermost feelings with, well, anyone that ventures onto this musing screen? Why write these musings at all, especially as of late when I have been so deep in the emotional trench of my life? The answer is simple - This blog, my musings help me articulate the moments of my days, the fears of my nights. And I for one think that the world would be a better place if we could all access our emotions and share them more readily. And in helping me, I do hope (and know because of some of the comments/emails I have received) that my words help someone else's road in a small way. Rarely do I plan a blog topic, but one occurred to me tonight on my ride home from seeing "Eclipse" (by far the best film of that franchise) and I need to think on it a bit before I write it - maybe later today or tomorrow. Let's just say t...

I am living in the new reality that it will be a long time before I feel like me again. That sucks. I never know the me I will be on any given moment. I was in the playroom with Quin and had to fight tears. I do not even really know why I was sad. It is like I am caught in some perpetual pregnancy or PMS or menopause - odd since I don't have those parts. Hee. But here I am, trying to get some things in order and trying to be a high-functioning man. Wow, the scope of what I want to do each day has changed to what I MUST do. I am in an odd, odd place of my journey indeed. I shall keep reporting what is afoot. Dustin

My schedule has flip-flopped. I have watched almost three Pixar films tonight alone. Sleep is elusive during the night right now. I love the night, I find solace and alone time. I hate the night, I feel alone and too quiet... Such a duality running around in my corner of the world right now. Just a short thought or two for you on this night turning into early morning, Dustin

Depression is such a powerful force of nature. It really is. I live hundreds of lives per day in my psyche. It is both exhausting and fascinating. I have felt very far away from myself the past few days, just really, really sad. But there are positive things to report. I have a new job at a toy store. I am making some decisions about my life. And right now I am watching "Ratatouille" and having a little Pixar marathon. I think they are geniuses. I am just living my life today, letting it take me wherever it may go. I hope that you have your own personal Pixar time or something of the like, Dustin

"I think if you focus on how you perceive things and their potential your potential you open surprise doors things may indeed seem hopeless at times but it is more likely that you haven't seen the right angle of it and noticed what might await you if you face it in a different mindset" My insightful friend Chris wrote this to me when I was frankly discussing my life. I like the idea of surprise doors and looking at the right angle of something. Everything can change based on perspective. For some time now I have lost perspective. Often, I can see the changes I need to make but then become so overwhelmed that I freeze and do not accomplish the goal. Patterns and deeply entrenched lessons are hard to change, hard to find the truth that you need to live. I dwell in my head and analyze to the point of destroying the good of a situation and circling around the scenario so much it is but an emotional blur. Honestly, at times it is exhausting to be me. I would not begin to...

Today I had more ups and downs than (insert some device, creature, adventure that has multiple ups and downs). But, I got angry... about how I have acted, how I have been treated, about the many hows of my life... and that anger fueled something in me. I felt a hint of me again. I do not know when, but there will be a day where I will be me again and proud of my actions and who I am. I do not know when, but I will be okay, I will get through this and I will be more mature, grounded, and aware and I say, "Let's begin".

People are always saying that change is good, but sometimes I think it is like a brand that burns the skin, something from which you cannot escape and are forced to feel the searing of the flesh, hoping that it heals and that the scar is not horrid. And God love them, people are always saying "Keep the faith". If faith could be kept, I would have held onto him and never let go. But faith is not something that can be held with the hands, but something that visits you and is like a member of the family or a close friend. Right now mine is on a road trip and there is no telling when he is coming back. Rest assured, I will treat him nicely when he returns and let him have the bed this time (Last time I had a crick in the neck so he was placed on the couch) and I will even give him the fancy sheets. Right now I am healing from the burns of change, trying to see what to do with the scars, hoping that at least one of them turns out to be a lightning bolt and will at long last br...

Waking up to a panic attack is not something I would wish upon anyone, no matter how heinous. It has been days since I wrestled with panic, I was hoping the attacks were gone. Alas, not this morning. The good news? It was not as long and I was able to calm down quicker. Today, I am bound and determined to start mapping a new path towards joy, even if it is one windy path traversing all over this new map of my life. And a wise friend of mine (Regi) told me to let myself be sick and take some of the pressure away. So today I am just going to be me in the place where I am, not the place I want to be and see if that makes any difference. Dustin

Three weeks ago I had one of the worst nights in my life, a drive home that seemed like it lasted for nights upon nights, the black night echoing the darkness of my spirit. Still, three weeks later, I am writhing, struggling, saddened, feeling so far away from myself knowing I severed a connection - something I never do. Perspective in the past few weeks has lived in another space, apart from me. I pray for the day that it returns and that I believe what my friends and family have been saying, that I will indeed recover from this and start again. Of course, I already am, but these three weeks have been excruciating. Perhaps one day I can look back on them and see the lessons, right now I just want a good night's sleep. Much love, Dustin

I sent out a text today saying I felt like a loser and that I loved those who received this. The amount of love I received in return to that text was astounding. In this time, this mire of my life where I feel so very lost, there is one thing on which I can stand firm, knowing that there is solid ground. That is the love of my friends/family - they are supportive, honest, eloquent, witty, and true. Right now when I think so little of myself and am trying to get life together one step at a time, they make me realize I had to have done something right along the way to amass such people of character and integrity. So I write this for them today, thanking them for being my solid ground in a time where I feel like I am in emotional quicksand. Much love now and always, Dustin

I don't want to jinx it, but today there was little to no panic. Panic has invaded my dreams, my life, my hopes for MONTHS now and I was starting to believe that I would live a life that contained that poison for the rest of my days. How the mind and heart work are fascinating. But somehow today I felt okay. And okay I will graciously take. I do not pretend that I am ready to jump back into my old life, but perhaps this horrendous chain of events has occurred to prepare me for a new life, one that is different than I could have ever anticipated. I do not know, but I am so thankful to breathe today, a deep and full breath that shows signs that my heart will mend, that I am not a broken fragment to be written off into oblivion. And while this might sound dramatic, if you have ever gone through an atrocious breakup and felt as though your whole life was caving in around you, then you know what I mean. When showering is an epic event, when you feel there is NO HOPE, that you have co...

Sitting on another couch, shackled again. Trying to get up and do something, anything. Here in this city I love and cannot leave the confines of the apartment. "Friends" plays in the background as it always does. I love that show and hate it at the same time, it is the never-ending soundtrack of my life, caught on loop taunting me. When just getting off the couch is a battle, you know you have a long way to go. So, I am admitting it - I have a LONG WAY to go. Dustin

I am more depressed than I have ever been. I have sought counseling and am taking anti-depressants. Perhaps it is odd to share this with the world, but I just wanted to shatter the stigma and be honest. I went on an impromptu road trip to Chicago and am glad that I made the trek. There have been a few moments in which I recognize myself again, in which I feel as though I am waking from the coma I have been in for far too long. Nothing, no one, no place should ever make you feel limited, small, insignificant - ever. I am holding onto this and trying to sort through the pieces of me, trying to get past the panic, and just take small steps and revel in the fact I took them. I want to be proud of myself again and the only way to do this is to try again. Love, Dustin

If I am being completely and nakedly honest, I have not consistently felt happy and like me for years... the last time I really felt okay (I think) was when I was in NYC. I have written, I have tried, I have worked, I have let people down, I have cried, I have condemned, I have searched and searched and searched. Something broke me last week. It filled with me the aching hopelessness that is a vacuum to the spirit, is toxic, and devastating. I will not go into those stories for they are far too numerous to recount and I have only begun to really process and see what needs to happen next to get me healthy and happy. For years now I have felt guilty for feeling lost, depressed, adrift, fearful... I mean there are wonderful things I have happening in my life, great friends, talents abundant, just so much good. Yet often I feel detached from that. Certainly not all the time, but sometimes to often is a fair estimation. I can see patterns from this blog (so helpful it has been) of being s...

Patterns emerging Known within but never uttered Now I choose to share I have felt finished broken wasted so far away from the me I thought I wanted Troubling indeed But in the past three I have changed the steps I take Not jumping into the same cycle Not quite okay But resolute Perspective was lost And although it is not quite found I am holding honesty's hand for the first time in a long, long time Looking at me Not blaming Smiling and saying, It's time to try something new Consistency is attainable You are merely strangers And need someone to acquaint you Looking now... So today, I will hold honesty's hand And try to do the same tomorrow But today, I held honesty's hand And that makes me okay Today

I cannot believe that I am writing what is to be my 300th blog. Tonight as I was cleaning blinds in my old bathroom, it happened. Clarity. For the past few weeks I feel like I have been walking in someone else's skin, breathing heavy air, just... so far away from the me I like to be. As I get older, I have come to believe that there is little worse than the sense of hopelessness. In many regards my heart has felt hopeless about where to go for work, what to do with my life, etc. I am still researching several options, but I must admit that I feel weary. Every time I write something like that a litany of the how my life is greats pours over me. My Mother made a strong point the other day. I was calling her to discuss how I feel and what I need to do to feel more in touch with me and all that philosophical magic. She said that most of my life I have been tossed about in some way... from illnesses to being made fun of to moving around all the time to money problems to trying a car...

Have you ever lived one of those days where small issues keep arising? Singularly they would but barely phase you, but the onslaught of them leaves you fatigued. There were multiple situations like that over and over and over today. And on a survey, I was basically labeled a racist for waiting on a Caucasian woman before I waited on an African American woman, that I did this on purpose. What? Never, ever would I do that. I despise days like these where you are constantly encountering the trivial of the world, not even real problems - they really have no lasting power and no merit... they take up space - Today my spirit is deflated and irritated. I just want to have a meal with Jer and watch some delightful film or sitcom and escape the reality of this stupid Thursday. And venting session musing concluded, Dustin

I sit here writing this in the playroom at Jay and Karen's. Quin is off to bed and the nightly ritual of toggling off brushing teeth and stories has commenced. I worked today and met Jay and Quin for dinner and came over here to bond. I miss this place, it did feel like home to me. My life is so great, but I must admit that sometimes I feel homeless. I love where I live (although I am moving this weekend - something that does not come easily for me honestly), but I do not really feel a sense of belonging like when I lived with my Mom or with Jay and Karen. I do hope that changes. I am so lucky to have the love in my life that I do, but I sometimes long for the home I have in my heart to come to fruition. I admit that maybe that is a naive creation, I do not think so, but I will admit it could be. Sometimes what I thought life would be is dramatically different than what it actually is. But, tonight, I sing a song from the depths of me ushering in a home, a place where I KNOW I b...

Today after a slew of not-feeling-like-me days, I feel like me. And I must confess: I like me. Winks, Dustin

Interesting item of life that I have discovered is that when I am living a full life and SO MUCH is happening, I do not write as often. The past few days especially could have been full of lessons, thoughts, fears, wow - I truly ran the gamut, but I was far too busy and exhausted to write any musings. But tonight I rehearsed with my Mama and sang our duet for my forthcoming concert. It is such a JOY to sing with her. I have been stressed about this event for it had to come together quickly and I have been trying to learn music and get all the necessary details sorted out. WHEW. But tonight I just sang and shared and am anticipating this Sunday night greatly. Finally, five of my little babies get to see the light of day (really it will be the dark of night, but that just sounds scary). These original songs are my heart and I cannot believe that I am getting to perform them at last. This is one of those nights in which I am living in these moments so grateful to have music as my li...

Life is good. Tiring, but good. The good kinda tiring. I feel like my writing "voice" is changing a bit. It is hard to define, but when I venture onto my musing highway, the car does not move like it once did. Not good or bad, just the change that arises with new experience. It is nice to be dancing in the good, learning and enjoying and growing. I have much to report soon and deep thoughts to share and meander, but for now, I am... GOOD. Dustin

I stumbled upon this picture of my Mother on facebook. Yes, my Mother has become a part of that world. This is a photo of her on her wedding day. She looks radiant and exquisite. I sang at the wedding and remember being overcome when I saw her - she looked perfect. It just goes to show you that you never know when the love of your heart will grace your life. Mama is so in love and so happy and I am thrilled to be her son and to have a man named Terry as my StepPapa! Look at her, my Mama Darling. She is so beautiful, my favourite person in the world. Love to her and to you always, Dustin

Right now, this very moment I am surrounded by the best that my life has to offer. I am so happy, so blessed. I am HOME. Home is most assuredly a person, not a place. I love my life, Dustin

Time, so funny... How is that some years whisk by while others meander at the pace of a lethargic turtle? I bid adieu to March, I barely even knew you. I simply cannot believe that a quarter of 2010 is finished. Where did it go? Oh to be a child again when an hour seemed like an eternity of imaginative everything! Much love to you on this, the last day of March, Dustin

A quick li'l musing: What a difference a day can make in terms of emotional status. Yesterday, I sang at 2nd Pres. It was not a great voice day for me so I had to make some last minute decisions about my voice and what to do. Through technique and sheer force of will, it turned out beautifully. I used all my frustration and angst and let that colour the song. I am so grateful I have enough training, talent, and ability to make something like that happen. Singing is therapy. Then I attended a show called "The Little Dog Laughed" and it was one of the best productions I have viewed at the Weekend Theater. Wonderful direction, sublime acting, superb set and tech, and a thoroughly well-conceived show. Theatre is therapy. I then rested a bit and watched "Arrested Development". Good tv is therapy. And I wrote a letter to the Benster and shared some thoughts with him. Sometimes I have to write things out in order to make sure I say it the way I desire and make s...

Right now I want to escape from myself and just scream, a scream that has never been heard before quite like this - brimming with frustration, fear, annoyance, confusion, and rage. So, since I cannot really do that at this hour, I came to you, my friendly musing therapy realm. SSSCCCRRREEEEAAAAAMMMMM!!!!!! UUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! DDDDDAAAAMMMMNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!! Hmm, that did help a bit. That's all, Dustin

I spent last night writing another song with Jonathan Trotter called "And He Said to Himself", a song about being who you are even when the world is telling you otherwise. I am just so happy about it, about writing again, about finishing a project that is one of the deepest passions I have known, and proud of myself for never letting go or losing the faith that these songs, these very personal tales of my spirit, would indeed see the light of day. It really is a lifelong dream of mine to do this and share much of who I am and my journeys thus far in this collection of music. I am grateful to Jonathan for facilitating this dream and bringing my ideas to life and intertwining those ideas with his gifts, his storytelling and music abilities. He really does astound me. And I am indebted to the other collaborators who helped me through this adventure thus far. Hell, I am not even recording yet and am like a contented child brimming over with passion for this opportunity. People...

Hmmm how to filter and still tell a story? Well here goes: I started the morning with delicious activities (YAY), then was at Hallmark for 8 hours. I was quite fatigued, but would have it no other way. What a lovely start of the day and it is wonderful to work in a place that I like and that brings out the good of me... During my workday I received a phone call from Brie that she was stopping by the house and cleaning my sheets and doing all of my laundry at her place in her real washer and dryer. WHAT?!?!? The washer and dryer combo at my place is the size of a toaster so it makes getting caught up on laundry a labour of due diligence. So I drove to Brie's after work and arrived to be served a mouth-watering meal. Yes, she served it to me! I remarked that I had somehow stepped into an alternate reality where I had a wife, after a day of work she made me a meal and did SEVERAL loads of my laundry folding all of it neatly in laundry baskets. Who does this? Brie does this I pr...

Due to the past couple weeks, I have been hyped up and not getting much sleep. But last night I fell asleep on the couch in my clothes while watching "Arrested Development". First, that show is hysterical and I love when you find something new that you adore. Second, I spent the day with Jonathan and he wrote a new tune. Third, I sang our original tune, "You Got Lonely" for auditions. It went well although having to be in the same space with all these people who are auditioning makes me quite nervous. Fourth, I feel like I really needed the sleep. I slept 15 hours... Somebody was a tired man. Tonight is our dear pal Lillian's last Fictive as she is heading back to Utah after her run in "Glorious" at the Rep. I will miss her. I just received my bill for PART of my stay in the ER - more than 2000 dollars! In a word, GREAT. Other than that, I am rested and looking forward to tonight and hugging, eating, drinking, and bonding. I hope you are well and t...

Writing has not come naturally for me the past several weeks. I have to make myself write musings and that is something foreign to me. But, today the muse caressed my cheek and said, "Let's start again my friend. I am back." During the second service I wrote a new lyric to a song about my Dad called "For You". Although I love the "Have You Checked Your Oil Today?" concept and still might use it, I just knew it was not right, not what I wanted to say anymore. Funny how that happens in the course of writing songs for a project. I also wrote an idea for my Mom song, "I Love You More Than...", and am excited that the particular idea is flying once more. Writing is my form of flying, a talent I have always wished I possessed and now do in my own Dustin/peculiar way. I just love creating, it makes me feel more alive than I know how to articulate. So, this week is all about finishing the CD and tweaking the concert and re-entering the world th...

Sometimes you just fall into a night of perfection: good friends, lively talks, new connections, a surprise text from a man you adore, delicious drinks, and blissful happenings. Tonight is one of those nights that I am glad to be alive, glad to be the me I am, and grateful to be able to converse and bond. Simple. Bliss. Attained... Dustin

There is so much going on in my life that is new and exciting and scary that I just cannot seem to get my feet on the ground; I cannot find my emotional anchor. It is a good thing, but still it makes me feel a tad askew. This is where I am in this moment, this day, living in the unknown and potential paths. Dustin

Today I started feeling like myself again, not just a shell person with enormous pain in regions of my body I did not know existed. (Aside: I apparently failed anatomy. Wait, I never took anatomy. Ha.) I am happy and experiencing feelings I have not in a long time and some I have never known. It feels good. I am glad to be me and to be alive, to be finding my health again after a wayward week. I just want to smile and dance a little. Will you take my hand and let me lead? Dustin PSfP: I love the picture I have posted. I think that there should be more places where men can dance like this - not just a gay bar, but a place where we can wear crowns and waltz. Come on people, let's create such a place.

Do you ever have the inkling that you are on the verge of something significant, something that will alter the course of things? I cannot quite put my finger on it, but I am in that place right now. A series of chapters of me are resolving, giving rise to the new chapters, the new skin of my different days, my dreams revolving to shed light on the opportunities I could not notice... Until Now.

As I write this, I am sitting on the couch in my living room, still in my regular clothes, and am anything but sleepy. I do not quite feel like myself right now. Pain redefined itself for me this week. I awoke on Tuesday and felt horrific agony in my lower right back. Withing a few minutes I knew that something was wrong. Long story short - I went to the UAMS ER and was diagnosed with kidney stones. I have since been informed from a close friend (who happens to be a doctor) that pain experienced from kidney stones is inexplicable. I was scared for the pain did not seem to stop. Also, it goes to show that one never knows where one's day is going to traverse. As advanced as we have become, we are fragile creatures living our lives and in an instant the balance of that life can change direction. I am grateful to my friends who were there and a special thank you to Brie for diagnosing me and for handling my garbled and odd phone call with grace, to Duvall for being there and t...

Recently I have noticed that I like to equate life activities with water. I bathe in the why, I drink in the delights, I swim in the joy, etc. Well this last week brought about a lot of bathing, drinking, and swimming in the new of my life somehow connecting to the old. It was quite a week for me. I have much to do right now but wanted to take a moment and write at least a partial update of where I am in the now. I love this time of year when I feel anything is possible and Spring is just around the bend (river). Dustin

If you would have told me a couple of years ago that I would be back at Hallmark and writing songs with Jonathan Trotter I would have looked at you perplexed. But I could not be happier about both. My first day of Hallmark was glorious and I love the store and the product (of course). Then tonight Jonathan came over and we wrote a song entitled "You Got Lonely". Why? Because that's what we do. And I must say that I adore the lyric and singing it is freedom itself. I am so surprised and thrilled Jonathan Trotter is back in my life. He really is a talent and his artistic sensibilities speak to my own and make me a better songwriter, singer, and artist. I have been planning my CD for a while and, out of the blue, a new, unplanned song was born on this night in March. I simply cannot sleep. Creation is the best feeling! I cannot wait to start the recording process of this CD. Now there are eight tunes almost completely written. Yay and yay and smiles and kicks and songs ...