October has been my favourite month for a number of years. There is something magical about it. I love the smell of Autumn and the possibilities it carries. I love changing leaves, colder temperatures, sweaters, and the sense of pensive energy. It is as if the world is saying, "Just breathe a little. Reflect. Pause. Be."
And I need those words now.
I think that the changes that have happened the past few years (which have been chronicled) have been difficult and to an excess of which I certainly would not have opted. The other day I had one of those cleansing deep cries. In the midst of that emotional downpour, I realized a couple of things:
1. I have been angry about My Mom moving on... but often where there is anger, there is deeply entrenched fear. Admission is the first step to healing. I feel as if I am being abandoned in some sense... that all my close family is coupled and I am the lone single one. Also, it means having to say goodbye to the last place my Dad lived and that seems like another death in some sense.
2. If you flip it around and look for the "good"... It is the world/fate/lessons to be learned telling me that it is time to usher in the new. And it is being presented in a bold way. Time to move out, live on your own again, be your own person.
I have experienced some glorious events in the past few years and some tumultuous ones. I think that I am shell-shocked right now.
I loathe goodbyes. I always have. They are a necessity to moving on. If I never had to say goodbye, then I would not be doing anything new, not daring to move out into the vast unknown.
But just like muscle memory, there is emotional memory... I have to breathe in and relax. Not every goodbye is a 10 on the emotional Richter scale. Sometimes it seems that my heart has suffered trauma and when I have to bid something/someone adieu I return to that trauma of saying goodbye to New York and the loss of that dream (that is what I thought at the time: I no longer believe that), the death of Dad (and entire book, song cycle, play, etc. could be devoted to that topic alone), and now feeling as if I am losing my Mom.
It is an overwhelming place to be when your heart and mind are in opposition to one another. I know that my Mom will continue to love me and be my friend, but in some way, I feel like an orphan. Maybe it is because she is just a cool roomie and the course our relationship took the past couple of years. But I return to that old adage, "If you truly love something, you must let it go."
That sounds/reads weird because it is about my Mother, but we have always had a bond of epic proportions. I want nothing else than for her to be happy...
I also try to be positive on this blog, and write about the splendor of life, it's promise, it's glory, it's lessons, it's indescribable magic... However, sometimes you just feel weary from the journey. Fatigued from lessons, craving a break from the change, wishing that you did not feel so alone...
Now let me make this clear: even as I write that, my psyche splinters: I am sad and weary, but will NEVER succumb to the negativity or sadness. I KNOW that I will be okay, more than okay. I just wanted to write the truth of it all.
As much as I am a positive person and love meeting new people and experiencing EVERYTHING I can, I possess a tremendous amount of darkness due to the past, my sensitivities, my insecurities. I am proud that I have fought against most of that and am a healthier human, but sometimes you want to scream:
Enough is enough world!!!
I do not know exactly what I believe about "everything happens for a reason" and that ideology. I do know that it is time to move on and that the hardships that I have endured the past few years have made me stronger and that it is time to delight in a new season of my life.
For all of this I am grateful because it means I am living and growing.
Cheers for growing pains! (Not the series in the eighties, but the actual emotional growing pains to which I refer!)
Here's to making the last week of the beauty of "Les Mis" count, moving into a new home, bathing in the perfect month that is October, continuing to create in story and song, and welcoming the new chapters of my life...
Pensively,
Dustin
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