Sunday, July 26, 2009
I just had a conversation with an online friend who does not believe that he could ever come out and tell the truth about being gay.
Goodness, how that journey has profoundly changed me. I am glad that I was AFFORDED the OPPORTUNITY to be gay, and that I learned to love myself more profoundly and thus love others more profoundly in the process.
As I was writing to him about the truths I have met during the last 14 years (it has been that long - wow), I was struck by the fact that if we believe, all is possible. Although I am out and am not in his particular lesson, I can learn from his present and from my past.
I told him:
YOU create YOU.
You may have forgotten Faith, but he has not forgotten you.
Somewhere most of us stop believing in something, which starts the trend to stop believing in somethings. We learn to discount, over-analyze, and do what we are taught.
But we create the world around us. And our ability to transform is limitless, if we believe that it is.
For example, I have talked to many men in the hopes of finding connection, but I have lost sight of why I wanted it in the first place. I have literally created a world in which I seek connection and have not given connection a chance to make it through my mad dash of trying. I am not undermining myself, I have had some little shits come my way, but I need to breathe and realize,
I can make or have all I want if I so choose.
So, in this musing, right here and now, I write that I choose to believe in me, my power, my potential, my faith, and that when life's brambles scratch us, it is not but a surface wound...
I do not love groups the way I used to,
I do not need the validation from the stage the way I once did,
I do not know what path to choose in my career,
I am tired of feeling powerless when Change rings the soul door bell,
I like being alone a lot,
I do not really want to entertain like I used to,
and you know what....
that is okay...
I derive strength from within,
I have garnered a lifetime's worth of applause in a mere thirty one years (what a blessing),
The path is new, but I am daring enough to take it or them,
I chose to look at myself as powerless, but now I see that changes happen and if they are difficult, I can choose to survey them at my leisure and how I see fit, and in some capacity I have drawn them to me... I am powerful and only I can make myself otherwise,
I have met a lifetime's worth of friends, family, co-workers, and potentials (again, what a blessing),
And it is fine if I leave the jester's cap at home.
I am calling myself into new routines, new possibilities, all deriving from my need to be organically Dustin Ashley Beam.
I am the artist of my perception, and although these concepts can be overwhelming and fatiguing, I can always breathe and take a nap.
If we are organically ourselves, we give others the courage to be as well.
Let that be my legacy, that I was (am) ME... for good, for bad, for odd, for change.