Skip to main content

This I Know





I am constantly amazed at the bend and liquidicity of life. (Yes, I know I just created a word. It is what I do.)

For the past couple of weeks, I was silent, depressed, pensive, still, and searching.

It was necessary. It was exactly what I needed.

This I KNOW...

Now, I have made the decision to change my major to psychology. I will ALWAYS sing and tell my stories through song, but I want to give in a different way. I want to have more stability that the musical theatre life affords. I have let go of the fear of failure. Many of my friends are not writers of song and fantasy, I am. I can consistently tell my tales, whether it be oddity in tune or communication of whimsical worlds...

To walk into a new world and change the course of one's life is "stop you in your tracks huh"... but I feel a sense of serenity I have NEVER felt.

To those whom have supported my musical theatre career, I am NOT leaving the stage. I am merely choosing to delve into something new, something that is so familiar to me, the journey of self.

It was amazing to me to look at courses at UALR and actually be excited again.

I want to be a child psychologist, but we shall see where that goes. Me in a class memorizing terms, not being able to rely on things I know, but bathing in the unfamiliar and new... Wow, scary, entrancing, and WOW.

Where this new path leads I know not, but just daring to step a new direction has brought me relief, tranquility, and newfound youth.

Just a few notes:

I sing because I am happy, because I am free, because it is me. I am a hero in those moments, I am Harry Potter, Superman, He-Man and all those stories I adore. Shit. How am I so blessed?

I think that Harry Potter and Rowling are brilliant. This sixth film is nothing short of spiritual... really.

I want to write that I love Jeremy, my dearest ally, my cohort in the ultimate odd couple and that I am so GLAD to have him back again. "Someday your (and hopefully my) prince will come". You are one of my greatest miracles, you are better than the best song I could ever sing. I KNOW that you know this, but I wanted to write it in the land of the musings of interwebby goodness.

I have been listening to recordings of me the past few years... What a treasure to have recorded these vocal diaries... and I have improved. Yikes!

I was in my car the other day and noted that there was an odd contraption in the driver's side door compartment. I opened it and discovered that it was my Dad's CDs. In it were one of his favourite singers, Caroll Roberson, his sponsor talking, an AA CD, and THREE of me. I began to cry as I realized that I will never get over his departure, but that he LOVED me and believed in my artistry more than I even knew, more than I used to believe in me.

He saw the elaborate oil painting when I saw but a white canvas.

This I KNOW...

So, the point of this is to say:

Hug those you love.

Sing because you can and it is ultimate way to be honest. I fervently believe that we were "meant" to sing as a language, that is the purest way to communicate.

(Aside: Anyone that thinks me conceited is both wrong and just a silly monkey trousers mayonnaisse sandwich for there will NEVER be a day I do not delight in that gift, that bliss, the fact that my chords share with the world the simplest and most brilliant joy I have yet to know.)

Write out your feelings, it helps.

If you path is not working, never lose hope. Others await, even ones you could NEVER have imagined.

(This is a Dustin one) I have been so lonely (romantically) for YEARS, but I realize after looking for it the past months that I am WHOLE alone, that it is an experience I so want, but that I have much to do and brilliance to achieve that has NOTHING to do with that... "and if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free..."

I am a phoenix, cerulean storm, crimson calm, orange oddity... Flight is my nature, Rebirth my refuge, Song my call to the world...

This I KNOW.

Always.
Myriad.
Sandi.
Harry.
Janet.
Jeremy.
Donald.
Oddity.
Song.
Grief.
Joy.
Story.
Heart.
Winks.
Smiles.
Musings.
Hugs.
Just.
Fear.
Traverse.
Mindful.
Beginning.
PHOENIX.

Tonight, in this NOW, I feel like ME again. "Glorious", I proclaim deliciously!

This I KNOW.
Dustin Ashley Beam

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Kick Ass Brothers (And the Theatre Room I Am Going to Steal)

I just spent the day with my brothers, Bran Flakes and Patricio watching "Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood", "Sin City", and "Live Free or Die Hard" in Bran Flake's KICK ASS KICK ASS KICK ASS Theatre Room. (It deserves all three kick asses and then some actually.) It was a Testosterone Day and I made it all the way through. Can we say the same for Patricio? (Titty baby. Ha.) I think that was the first blog smack talk I have "thrown down". I had never seen "Sin City" or "Live Free or Die Hard". Both were excellent. I did not want to leave the nirvana that is the magic room of cinema wonder. So, thanks to Bran Flakes for hosting and for having the idea. And Patrick, let me know how that nipple is treating you. Here's to smack talk... How liberating! (Especially when I am in control of the forum!) Here's to a kick ass theatre room. And to even more kick ass brothers, Dustin
1 comment
Read more

Call to Action

This past Saturday I, with thousands of others across the country, attended a protest/rally of Proposition 8 and Act I (the adoption ban in Arkansas). My dear allies in this battle were Jay, Karen, their joyous son Quin, our mutual friend Greg, Amanda, Carter, Sarah Jane, Liz, and the brave Arkansans that showed up for the rally on the steps of our Capitol. It was bitterly cold and grey, but within I was ignited with passion and newfound purpose. As I listened to the stories of my fellow brothers and sisters, gay, straight, bisexual, transgendered, I was struck by the power of the many speaking as one. Then I began to visit my own story and was struck at how far I have come... to think back fourteen years ago when I had my brother tell my parents that I happened to be gay because I was so frightened as to what they would think, say, how they could ever love me, this abomination.... To now, a man standing with his friends and proclaiming "This is our right, What you have done is ...
3 comments
Read more

In the Colouring of How I Present the Gifts

The death of my Father has coloured the choices I make, the way I live, and the values I hold dear. Sometimes, I am surprised the extent to which it has affected me. I equate it to a new room on the house: this room of grief. For several months both my Mother and I lived in only that room and throughout this process we have ventured back into the rest of the home and, finally, back in to the world. But, from time to time we visit the room again and take a nap, meditate, knowing that room is forever a part of us. I believe that when one experiences a deep shifting to one end of the emotional spectrum, both sides actually strengthen and grow. For quite sometime although there have been some thrilling and touching moments, I think my heart was used to dwelling in the darker end. But.... In the past few days I have had the privilege of performing in a capable production of Sweeney Todd . I portray Anthony, a love-struck sailor. It has been three years since I have performed in a mus...
4 comments
Read more