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This I Know





I am constantly amazed at the bend and liquidicity of life. (Yes, I know I just created a word. It is what I do.)

For the past couple of weeks, I was silent, depressed, pensive, still, and searching.

It was necessary. It was exactly what I needed.

This I KNOW...

Now, I have made the decision to change my major to psychology. I will ALWAYS sing and tell my stories through song, but I want to give in a different way. I want to have more stability that the musical theatre life affords. I have let go of the fear of failure. Many of my friends are not writers of song and fantasy, I am. I can consistently tell my tales, whether it be oddity in tune or communication of whimsical worlds...

To walk into a new world and change the course of one's life is "stop you in your tracks huh"... but I feel a sense of serenity I have NEVER felt.

To those whom have supported my musical theatre career, I am NOT leaving the stage. I am merely choosing to delve into something new, something that is so familiar to me, the journey of self.

It was amazing to me to look at courses at UALR and actually be excited again.

I want to be a child psychologist, but we shall see where that goes. Me in a class memorizing terms, not being able to rely on things I know, but bathing in the unfamiliar and new... Wow, scary, entrancing, and WOW.

Where this new path leads I know not, but just daring to step a new direction has brought me relief, tranquility, and newfound youth.

Just a few notes:

I sing because I am happy, because I am free, because it is me. I am a hero in those moments, I am Harry Potter, Superman, He-Man and all those stories I adore. Shit. How am I so blessed?

I think that Harry Potter and Rowling are brilliant. This sixth film is nothing short of spiritual... really.

I want to write that I love Jeremy, my dearest ally, my cohort in the ultimate odd couple and that I am so GLAD to have him back again. "Someday your (and hopefully my) prince will come". You are one of my greatest miracles, you are better than the best song I could ever sing. I KNOW that you know this, but I wanted to write it in the land of the musings of interwebby goodness.

I have been listening to recordings of me the past few years... What a treasure to have recorded these vocal diaries... and I have improved. Yikes!

I was in my car the other day and noted that there was an odd contraption in the driver's side door compartment. I opened it and discovered that it was my Dad's CDs. In it were one of his favourite singers, Caroll Roberson, his sponsor talking, an AA CD, and THREE of me. I began to cry as I realized that I will never get over his departure, but that he LOVED me and believed in my artistry more than I even knew, more than I used to believe in me.

He saw the elaborate oil painting when I saw but a white canvas.

This I KNOW...

So, the point of this is to say:

Hug those you love.

Sing because you can and it is ultimate way to be honest. I fervently believe that we were "meant" to sing as a language, that is the purest way to communicate.

(Aside: Anyone that thinks me conceited is both wrong and just a silly monkey trousers mayonnaisse sandwich for there will NEVER be a day I do not delight in that gift, that bliss, the fact that my chords share with the world the simplest and most brilliant joy I have yet to know.)

Write out your feelings, it helps.

If you path is not working, never lose hope. Others await, even ones you could NEVER have imagined.

(This is a Dustin one) I have been so lonely (romantically) for YEARS, but I realize after looking for it the past months that I am WHOLE alone, that it is an experience I so want, but that I have much to do and brilliance to achieve that has NOTHING to do with that... "and if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free..."

I am a phoenix, cerulean storm, crimson calm, orange oddity... Flight is my nature, Rebirth my refuge, Song my call to the world...

This I KNOW.

Always.
Myriad.
Sandi.
Harry.
Janet.
Jeremy.
Donald.
Oddity.
Song.
Grief.
Joy.
Story.
Heart.
Winks.
Smiles.
Musings.
Hugs.
Just.
Fear.
Traverse.
Mindful.
Beginning.
PHOENIX.

Tonight, in this NOW, I feel like ME again. "Glorious", I proclaim deliciously!

This I KNOW.
Dustin Ashley Beam

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