It should come as no surprise to anyone that has read my musings that I believe in Karma, that I tend to do in-depth emotional analysis, that I believe in connection, and that sometimes I can feel overwhelmed by life.
Today, a song called "If I Should Lose My Way" by Linda Eder kept springing to the forefront of my thoughts and I found it on the glorious internet and listened to it several times. I used it as a closer in my "In Pursuit of the Dream" concert in 2002 (02/02/02) before heading to the nebulous Apple. (I find it numerically interesting that I felt the need to listen to it again on 07/07/07. Ha.)
I could write about the wondrous connections in my life and it would never do them justice. My friends and family make it all worthwhile. The fact that I never have a shortage of people to see, to love, to know is beyond anything one could dream.
Still, I find myself pausing. I find myself a bit deflated. I went from a very dark Fall to deciding I would try a smattering of newities this Spring. I put a lot of new energy and passion into the world in a variety of fashions and much of it has made that fascinating circle back to me.
Did I get what I expected? Not really, but it is certainly still valid and, well, what happened.
I feel strongly that I am being called in other directions on a myriad of fronts and need to survey a bit.
While I feel joyous I am living and much is coming my way, I also feel a deep need to have more of my life that is familiar. There have been lesson after lesson for quite some time now and I want to... just be.
What is funny is that I brought some of this to me. I issued an invitation to the world and said, "Bring me some joy, bring me some new, let's really live."
So there is no bullshitting around that and there are absolutely no complaints. That would be mocking the energy that has been encountered.
I am merely saying that some of what has come my way is so different and multi-layered and my reactions to it are so nuanced, hell, I do not even know what to make of it all.
So this song serves as a reminder to all that love me,
"I will be your friend
Through whatever life may send
And I know that you will be there too
If I should lose my way
Along this road we share
Please bring me home, come-what-may
If I should lose my way"
I do not feel that I have lost my way, but I do feel like I have procured a new emotional compass and I need to become acclimated to it...
In terms of career,
I have been given applause for so long now, beautiful validation...
I want to GIVE the applause, the validation to children, I want to give in a different way.
In terms of love,
I think the world is saying "not now". I poured myself into this "finding a date" process and discovered much about myself. I am amazed at the lack of self-awareness in some of those I have met, saddened by the stereotypical pitfalls of being a gay man, fueled to proclaim that I am thankful to my family for loving me so I do not possess many of the aforementioned pitfalls, and have become overloaded with the stimulus of all the online dating sites, hookup sites (yes, I ventured on there to see what it was all about and not be so damn afraid of that word and what it means.)
I feel as though I put on some sort of cloak and visited places I never have before. I have been more casual that I have been in the past and I feel that was a good thing. I did it a little backwards. (yes, there is an obvious pun there) I have spent years really coming to grips with being a man who happens to be gay, how to be out, but not in someone's face, how to be classy about it, how to let it be a facet and not rule me... but I did not really deal with the "sexuality" portion of it. I will not get into that in such a public forum, but let me say it has been interesting, scary, and liberating.
But I think I am ready to just be me again and not really looking for that. Honestly, if it never happens for me I am okay being single. As for the hooking up thing, it has happened and is still not really who I am. It really does very little for me. I want a communication, not just skin.
In terms of gatherings, of friends,
I do not delight in the mass gatherings of people like I used to, in fact the swirling energies make me fatigued. I am more of a one on one or a small group gathered for commonality man now.
One amazingly positive facet I can glean from my story the past few months: I do not need the validation I once did. I like me, no matter what. Once you realize that you alone create that, this incessant need for approval loses its power. I have changed much and it makes sense that the people with whom I associate would change and be whittled down. Whew, life. :-)
So, I am trying to set some new boundaries in my life.
Who is important to me?
How do I find a way to consistently see him/her?
How do I create an environment that fosters the muse so I can finish my book and CD?
What career path do I want and need to take?
How do I let go of this fear about never finding someone when I know I am okay, more than okay, by myself?
A lot to do.
A lot to write.
A lot to sing.
A lot to say.
A lot to be.
Here are the lyrics to the song.
If you read this, I thank you and know I will be there for you, come what may.
I might get lost, but I know I have my friends to bring me back... and sometimes getting lost is the best part of the journey.
Dustin
As we turn our lives
Down this complicated road
If you need a hand to hold
I promise you
I will be your friend
Through whatever life may send
And I know that you will be there too
If I should lose my way
Along this road we share
Please bring me home, come-what-may
If I should lose my way
When the wild wind blows
And the rain begins to fall
I will find you through it all
And comfort you
But as we move on
Should you turn and find me gone
Then just rest awhile, I'll be along If I should lose my way
Along this road we share
Please wait for me, come-what-may
If I should lose my way
Day after day,
Never let the sun go down
'Till love is found once more
If I should lose my way
Along this road we share
Please look for me, come-what-may
If I should lose my way
Please look for me...
If I should lose my way
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