I find myself listening to songs I have loved for years, letting their lyrics and familiar melodies soothe me, transport me to the tranquil trail right before sleep... yes, I am writing but in no time I shall be asleep.
Mind meanderings, how I visit these trails often, some are new to me, some trails I have known most of my days.
Right now my mind meanders to love of the romantic persuasion. That is certainly not a new topic of mine. I have wanted it for so long and tried to procure it this year.
I laugh at my efforts like an older man laughs at a younger man who is trying and not understanding that the best in life is not found when seeking, but when one lets go.
No, I am not in love. Do not misread.
But I am thinking about love and all that requires differently. I know myself in the realm of people so well, how to talk to new people, how to make inter-personal relationships work, but get me around a man I like and...
Gyidhalfhgftekmfbnabvsjnaskfnkjyei!
(That is the indiscernible sound my spirit makes. Yes, I just typed random letters on the keyboard, but they achieved the desired result. Ha.)
I don't let it throw me off balance nor do I get as dramatic about it all as I used to, even like I did several months ago. There is a wondrous thing about frame of reference, it gives one power and perspective.
But I just have not really done this and when there is any type of potential I begin thinking and I always seem to comb through some of the same thoughts:
Am I the man that you want/need, the one that will make your life better? And are YOU the man I want/need?
Will you challenge me and see the world with me and let us help each other see it differently together?
Will you help me understand what this love thing is about, why I keep writing musings about it and feel it calling, maybe feel you calling to me? (Yes, I have dated and I was in love, but it was 11 years ago and I am so different than I was back then that I cannot even wrap my heart around the concept anymore... so I feel like I am a newbie in terms of love.)
What kind of man do I want?
I know certain values I need and such, but do I want a chatterbox like me or a simple, quiet man? Or someone deliciously in the nuanced middle that I could never create in mere fantasy?
My friendship circle is a wealth of splendid friends... Who do I want to be the ONE that I tell it all (well, most... I think some should be simply my little playground), the ONE that sees the most, especially when my closest friendships are so intimate...
These are for me to learn and seek, hence the meanderings of the mind title...
I do know that I will not allow this search or possibility to derail me as some of the past have. I am happy and plan to stay that way. I like that colour on me. And as horrid and hilarious this year of looking and dating has been, at least I have done it. (Yes even in the dirty way. Winks. Wait my Mom reads this. Well, she would probably just say, "Good for you son, be safe." Thanks Mom and I was.) And I have demystified this process, it no longer makes me stop in my tracks and NEVER try. So that is a stunning victory.
Although I think I would be a great boyfriend, I am a bit of a perpetual blank stare about all of this... I want to ask some people, "How did you do this and not let it drive you mad?" Ha. (To clarify, I am mad like the Hatter, not in a scary way.)
Still, liking another person is such a funny, head-scratching, what the hell does that mean, I like it, do it again please, why does he make sense to me, really, did you say that, kiss me again and never stop, I wish the world smelled like you did wonder of the world.
And as odd as I am, as intense, as different, I am so GLAD that I am for I eat these experiences and I know that somewhere there will be one that gets it... and even if that does not happen, I at least am opening myself up to the possibility of it happening and that is a miracle unto itself.
Thanks for meandering with me,
Dustin
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