Last year I missed Thanksgiving and Christmas because I wanted the day to myself (and Jer) and I was ill respectively.
And before that the holidays have been a difficult time for me. I have recorded that on several musings. However, even before deaths and illnesses I felt out of place at holidays.
Let me make this clear (I say that so often in my life that is certainly an "ism"): I have an exceptional family, I really do. I love them and I respect them. But when I am in a group setting, I sense other's energies. I can tell who is sad, who is upset, who feels uncomfortable, and years ago I adopted the "let's make everyone feel loved and entertained" guise. For years it appeared that I was having a grand ole time at the parties when I was actually just flitting around in this energy stupor. It has taken me much thought and breaking of the paradigm to feel comfortable in groups.
I did some research on children of alcoholics (I am one of those) and found this information rather pertinent:
"Tendency to react rather than to act. As children, ACoAs became anxious and hypervigilant. They remain so in their adult lives, constantly scanning the environment for potential catastrophes. Problem solving and stress management techniques are something they consider after the fact if at all."
It is fascinating how a child of an alcoholic (even one that is non-practicing) will revert to behaviours of seeking out an alcoholic to date, become one, or find a child of an alcoholic as a friend. The dynamic is strong and takes much work to break it. I have worked for years to do so, to break the unhealthy portions so i was a healthy individual and could enter relationships with a different mindset.
One of the last items was how to be an adult and not step into my family situations and revert back to the unhealthy me. I think that many people feel uncomfortable in a family setting, regardless of alcoholism or not. I just needed a hiatus from this and some get to know me and like me again time and then step back in, refreshed, aware, and anew.
Does anyone doubt that Dustin analyzes endlessly? It is a gift and a curse.
Last night I arrived at my Mother's for a surprise party for my brother Patrick. Today, he turns 40. Yay for him. A great guy is he!
I did something I have never done before and I wish I had thought of it a LONG time ago. I asked Brie to come with me. It was WONDERFUL to have someone there with me. It somehow changed the situation and made things better. I will invite Brie or Jer or someone I love there again, at least until I find a beau.
All this to say, I am back in the Beam/Darling clan. I was not panicked or ill at ease, I just had fun.
To my family who has wondered where I have been or why I was not there, I offer you this musing and tell you I love you, but I had to do some work on me to feel better and more comfortable in a group setting. I had to let go of the past baggage so I could be free.
I missed you guys. Merry Christmas. Now I know what family means, whether DNA or not, and I am glad to be there and smile and just be, relax and bond with the people that have known me through it all.
Love.
Repeat your sounding joy,
Dustin
PSfP: This is a deep musing even for me, but I needed to share this. I am drinking in the beauty of this Holiday and the camaraderie that can be experienced.
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