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Bathing in the Why


I try not to venture to the musing screen when I am completely upset, but this time shall prove to be an exception.

I awoke with a migraine, an experience I do not often have so I am a complete wuss about it. (As opposed to the other times when I am the manliest man of men around)

I called into the Pier which is something I loathe doing since I need the money and want to show that I am not a piss ant bastard face adolescent. Now that was an evocative sentence.

Then I opened up a piece of mail from UALR wondering what it could say. To preface this, I have been on financial aid probation the past few terms due to withdrawing and last year failing two classes. I would like to say that I still have a 3.10 cummulative GPA. Anyway, the letter informed me that my aid was CANCELED due to the "D" in Spanish. I had misread that letter saying I must make a "C" in all classes. I thought I had to have a 2.0 GPA. So I can appeal this and shall letting them know that I made a 3.0 for the term and I only have two terms left and will take the classes I failed next term and there have been more than extenuating circumstances.

Then I checked my voicemail to hear my brother tell me that my Grandpa died around noon today.

What?

I knew that he was ill and in the hospital and Grandpa was ready to go, but (without trying to sound callous) I am tired of trying to find and live the joy at this time of the year and have someone I love get sick, have a surgery, check into a hospital, or die.

I was trying SO HARD to love this season (and I will not be defeated) but today the wind was knocked out of me, the sails are deflated, and I am bathing in the why, trying to recalibrate and start anew.

I will NOT lose my joy.
I will find a way to love this time of year once more.
I will miss my Grandpa and honour him as I live.
I will convince the appeal board to keep me in school. I am SO CLOSE and will not accept defeat.

Thanks for reading. I hope you find your joy and keep holding it in the dark times and let it wrap you in its light,
Dustin

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