Thursday, June 25, 2009
I love the word MINDFUL. I overuse it, it is like a comfort food, my vocabulary tomato soup and grilled cheese. (Mmmmmm, let me take a moment there. Wait. Another. Moment. Better. Smiles.)
I strive to be mindful (and heartful) about events in life and in my heart/mind/daydreams. The past few months I have shared how I wanted to connect romantically with a man and some of the oddities that have transpired. Well the past couple of weeks I have been thinking about relationships, who I am in that context, what I bring to the table both in terms of strengths and past hindrances, and let me tell you it has been one wonky, intoxicating, eccentric, real, daring thrill ride. F* thrill rides. Ha. I am a one man thrill ride. (I love how true and dirty that reads. Well played Dustin, well played.)
I have certainly kept it in check, but it is FASCINATING to me that, as aware I am of self, that I have little technique for who I am in a relationship. I know that one should not change oneself for another, I do not mean to imply anything of the like... but it is a new technique, if you will... like when I walked into voice lessons. It is relationship voice lessons. And just like with that, one must remember to breathe.
I certainly do not want to come across as a drama queen (I loathe that term) or high maintenance as I have kept much of this process to myself, but it has been revealing to say the least. To meet portions of your psyche that were damaged YEARS ago and think, "Wow. That still is there. Learn from it."
I believe that which we fear we can bring to us and sometimes, if not kept in check, we can manifest in our lives. I WILL NOT be that man. So, it has been nice to revisit these experiences again with a fresh eye, a new heart, and see me for who I am now and where I could go.
I felt like sharing this for I feel that trying to connect with another person is gratifying, petrifying, and something that calls to all of us, in some form or fashion.
Life has called me to think about these things and really look at who I am and my past and see that it has been 11 years since I have really done anything in the course of romance. It is understandable I would be reticent, scared, and even resistant to the process.
But, this I can say:
I will be honest and communicate who I am and who I have been and share my story. Who knows what could happen, but at least I have been out there trying to make it happen again. For that, I say, "Yay me." (APPLAUSE PLEASE)
I wrote this last night. It was merely a pick-me-up if I get a little lost in this process, which tends to happen from time to time.
Always remember you are precious. You deserve all you desire in love's embrace. DO NOT SETTLE. Do not timidly accept the status quo. Be yourself. Love ALL of you. Let him see You: the child, the divine, the potential.
Thanks for reading.