Tuesday, June 23, 2009
So Many Somethings
It is my 16th anniversary of loving and hearing Sandi Patty. I am constantly reminded on this day of how the smallest of acts can produce staggering results. Had I not attended my cousin's dance recital, I might not know the voice that stirs and challenges me, the voice that is a part of my musical language.
Also, I am mindful of the fact I was exploring a riveting and beautiful new connection at this time last year. It ended so harshly and abruptly. One never knows how long the shelf life of a connection shall last. I have been blessed to know such TREMENDOUS people of character, integrity, and wit. When it comes to the gays, it has been, well, the antithesis (in areas of romance...)
I am exploring the trembling terrain of Fear, carefully passing the Past, deciphering the clues it is giving me, and trying to be PRESENT in the midst of this journey.
Much has been thrown my way in the past couple of weeks. It seems to be a recurring theme, nothing then so many somethings.
I saw my Dad's tombstone for the first time on Father's Day and was...
OVERWHELMED. There is something WRONG about him being gone. It will never feel right and staring at the stone with the dates of his birth and his death was... indescribable. I do not think I will ever have my full heart again. A part of me died with him. As I have chronicled this in-depth, I have found the joys of loving him, but sometimes... in the oddest of times, I just want to be a son again hugging his damn Dad. I want to talk to him about my life, my fears, and silly jokes.
I am broke and every money payment thingy is driving like gangbusters my way.
Somehow due to this theatrical experience, liking a guy and dealing with the past, money issues, sorting through my potential career, and about to turn 31....
I became disconnected from harmony, from my joy that is such a part of my identity.
Of course it will come back, this I know, but when it occurs it is scary. Again, fear and I have been waltzing our melancholy waltz to the tunes of the past and the cadence of the present.
In the past few months, I have made a range of choices: new, daring, poor, adolescent, mature, and whimsical... mostly heartfelt. It is funny how there are times you seem to really know yourself and times when you look in the mirror and think,
"Who the hell are you?"
Well, this is where I am right now, in this moment and I thought I would report it.
I will see you all soon,