So Many Somethings

It is my 16th anniversary of loving and hearing Sandi Patty. I am constantly reminded on this day of how the smallest of acts can produce staggering results. Had I not attended my cousin's dance recital, I might not know the voice that stirs and challenges me, the voice that is a part of my musical language.

Also, I am mindful of the fact I was exploring a riveting and beautiful new connection at this time last year. It ended so harshly and abruptly. One never knows how long the shelf life of a connection shall last. I have been blessed to know such TREMENDOUS people of character, integrity, and wit. When it comes to the gays, it has been, well, the antithesis (in areas of romance...)

I am exploring the trembling terrain of Fear, carefully passing the Past, deciphering the clues it is giving me, and trying to be PRESENT in the midst of this journey.

Much has been thrown my way in the past couple of weeks. It seems to be a recurring theme, nothing then so many somethings.

I saw my Dad's tombstone for the first time on Father's Day and was...

OVERWHELMED. There is something WRONG about him being gone. It will never feel right and staring at the stone with the dates of his birth and his death was... indescribable. I do not think I will ever have my full heart again. A part of me died with him. As I have chronicled this in-depth, I have found the joys of loving him, but sometimes... in the oddest of times, I just want to be a son again hugging his damn Dad. I want to talk to him about my life, my fears, and silly jokes.

I am broke and every money payment thingy is driving like gangbusters my way.

Somehow due to this theatrical experience, liking a guy and dealing with the past, money issues, sorting through my potential career, and about to turn 31....

I became disconnected from harmony, from my joy that is such a part of my identity.

Of course it will come back, this I know, but when it occurs it is scary. Again, fear and I have been waltzing our melancholy waltz to the tunes of the past and the cadence of the present.

In the past few months, I have made a range of choices: new, daring, poor, adolescent, mature, and whimsical... mostly heartfelt. It is funny how there are times you seem to really know yourself and times when you look in the mirror and think,

"Who the hell are you?"

Well, this is where I am right now, in this moment and I thought I would report it.

I will see you all soon,
Dustin

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The Kick Ass Brothers (And the Theatre Room I Am Going to Steal)

I just spent the day with my brothers, Bran Flakes and Patricio watching "Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood", "Sin City", and "Live Free or Die Hard" in Bran Flake's KICK ASS KICK ASS KICK ASS Theatre Room. (It deserves all three kick asses and then some actually.) It was a Testosterone Day and I made it all the way through. Can we say the same for Patricio? (Titty baby. Ha.) I think that was the first blog smack talk I have "thrown down". I had never seen "Sin City" or "Live Free or Die Hard". Both were excellent. I did not want to leave the nirvana that is the magic room of cinema wonder. So, thanks to Bran Flakes for hosting and for having the idea. And Patrick, let me know how that nipple is treating you. Here's to smack talk... How liberating! (Especially when I am in control of the forum!) Here's to a kick ass theatre room. And to even more kick ass brothers, Dustin

Call to Action

This past Saturday I, with thousands of others across the country, attended a protest/rally of Proposition 8 and Act I (the adoption ban in Arkansas). My dear allies in this battle were Jay, Karen, their joyous son Quin, our mutual friend Greg, Amanda, Carter, Sarah Jane, Liz, and the brave Arkansans that showed up for the rally on the steps of our Capitol. It was bitterly cold and grey, but within I was ignited with passion and newfound purpose. As I listened to the stories of my fellow brothers and sisters, gay, straight, bisexual, transgendered, I was struck by the power of the many speaking as one. Then I began to visit my own story and was struck at how far I have come... to think back fourteen years ago when I had my brother tell my parents that I happened to be gay because I was so frightened as to what they would think, say, how they could ever love me, this abomination.... To now, a man standing with his friends and proclaiming "This is our right, What you have done is ...

In the Colouring of How I Present the Gifts

The death of my Father has coloured the choices I make, the way I live, and the values I hold dear. Sometimes, I am surprised the extent to which it has affected me. I equate it to a new room on the house: this room of grief. For several months both my Mother and I lived in only that room and throughout this process we have ventured back into the rest of the home and, finally, back in to the world. But, from time to time we visit the room again and take a nap, meditate, knowing that room is forever a part of us. I believe that when one experiences a deep shifting to one end of the emotional spectrum, both sides actually strengthen and grow. For quite sometime although there have been some thrilling and touching moments, I think my heart was used to dwelling in the darker end. But.... In the past few days I have had the privilege of performing in a capable production of Sweeney Todd . I portray Anthony, a love-struck sailor. It has been three years since I have performed in a mus...

Chronicles of Dustin Ashley Beam

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