Skip to main content

So Many Somethings


It is my 16th anniversary of loving and hearing Sandi Patty. I am constantly reminded on this day of how the smallest of acts can produce staggering results. Had I not attended my cousin's dance recital, I might not know the voice that stirs and challenges me, the voice that is a part of my musical language.

Also, I am mindful of the fact I was exploring a riveting and beautiful new connection at this time last year. It ended so harshly and abruptly. One never knows how long the shelf life of a connection shall last. I have been blessed to know such TREMENDOUS people of character, integrity, and wit. When it comes to the gays, it has been, well, the antithesis (in areas of romance...)

I am exploring the trembling terrain of Fear, carefully passing the Past, deciphering the clues it is giving me, and trying to be PRESENT in the midst of this journey.

Much has been thrown my way in the past couple of weeks. It seems to be a recurring theme, nothing then so many somethings.

I saw my Dad's tombstone for the first time on Father's Day and was...

OVERWHELMED. There is something WRONG about him being gone. It will never feel right and staring at the stone with the dates of his birth and his death was... indescribable. I do not think I will ever have my full heart again. A part of me died with him. As I have chronicled this in-depth, I have found the joys of loving him, but sometimes... in the oddest of times, I just want to be a son again hugging his damn Dad. I want to talk to him about my life, my fears, and silly jokes.

I am broke and every money payment thingy is driving like gangbusters my way.

Somehow due to this theatrical experience, liking a guy and dealing with the past, money issues, sorting through my potential career, and about to turn 31....

I became disconnected from harmony, from my joy that is such a part of my identity.

Of course it will come back, this I know, but when it occurs it is scary. Again, fear and I have been waltzing our melancholy waltz to the tunes of the past and the cadence of the present.

In the past few months, I have made a range of choices: new, daring, poor, adolescent, mature, and whimsical... mostly heartfelt. It is funny how there are times you seem to really know yourself and times when you look in the mirror and think,

"Who the hell are you?"

Well, this is where I am right now, in this moment and I thought I would report it.

I will see you all soon,
Dustin

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Leprechaun Loving Lush

Tonight I got snockered with some bombastic leprechauns, dabbled in the cuisine of Acadia, conversed with some drunk oddities, called and text people in quite a state of lowered inhibitions/let's talk about life and giggle, and discussed trivial matters (Is "Sweeney Todd" actually a good film, why do I like "Twilight", etc.) as if life depended on how I articulated my stance in these matters. What an odd, fun, new, out-of-the-comfort zone night for me. Gloriously uncomfortable and disgusting decadent. YAY. Every day I seem to be doing something I have never done before: from the tiny to the grand. It is an experiment and I am loving and loathing it, and all the intoxicating in-betweens. (Yes, not-so-clever pun intended.) I hope that everyone had a wonderful St. Patty's day! (oh my, that is like Sandi Patty, but not at all...) Love, The DABalicious Leprechaun Loving Lush
1 comment
Read more

And With This, Farewell

This blog has been a dear friend to me. I am not good at farewells, but truly this is anything but. I look at it like this - I love the phoenix, the symbolism of it all, the power of rebirth. Hence why I named my blog/musing screen after one. :-) So, I am leaving this particular blog to start another one, one that fits me NOW, the one that I can share in a new way. So this feels right. Thanks to those who have read my musings throughout the years. I hope you follow me to my new musing home entitled THE TWELVE THAT IS DUSTIN BAYLAN. Yes, I am changing the name, the story of that is on the new blog for you to read. Here is the link: http://dustinbaylan.wordpress.com/ Much love, much hope and joy again, much potential... Winks and smiles of the Cat that is Cheshire, Dustin Baylan
Post a Comment
Read more

Much Needed Silence

The past few days I have liked the darkness, the silence of my room. I have not come out much and have watched "Sleepless in Seattle" over and over and over and over. I started wondering why I want to be alone (I am not depressed at all) and started doing the roommate math. I have lived with 41 different people in my life. I have lived in 21 different living environments not including all the different times I moved around with my family as a kid. I have hit a wall where I just want ME time and a lot of it, no talking, no sharing, just alone time. In this much needed silence I find that I am a much simpler person than I once was, that I really love the quiet, and that it is time to live alone soon. I have done the roomie thing more than anyone I know and met some wonderful people, but I am overloaded with that experience. So, back to "Sleepless in Seattle" and my much needed silence. Dustin
Post a Comment
Read more